Face Value

Sometimes I think my cat, Seamus, came into my life to be my teacher. I know it sounds crazy, but I have found to such wisdom in examining our interactions and watching his behavior. This week Seamus held class yet once again.

A while back I shared in my post, Seamus - Professor of Patience, the long journey of building a our relationship. And while we are close and share a ritual of bonding each night before I fall asleep, each day with Seamus is different. Some days, I don't see him all day. He retreats to one of the bedrooms and plays the hermit. Other days, he will sit at my side while I work at my desk and occasionally push his nose against my hand to tell me he wants me to stop typing and live him love. At night he will occasionally stretch out on my chest and knead my night clothes. A lot of nights, he sits primly on my chest with a posture that stretches him tall and issues a royal indict commanding me to lovingly stroke his fur.

 I'm never sure what version of Seamus I am going to get. And truthfully, as I realized the other night when the regal Seamus was perched on me, it doesn't matter. If I worry about his motivations . . . if I stress about why he doesn't want to spend time with me, I would be able to enjoy spending time with him as much as I do.

And that's when it hit me! I don't extend that courtesy to the human beings in my life. I fuss at their intentions. Make assumptions about them, usually the worst case assumptions. And then I take that assumed intention personally, growing irritated and offended.

So what would it take for me to take for me to take people at face value - to accept them where they are in that moment. No judgement, no feeling hurt or let down. Just a plain, simple, "OK, this is where you are right now. It doesn't change how I perceive you." It reminded me of two of the concepts shared in the book The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Don't Take Things Personally

Fate isn't out to us. And, more often than not, how another person interacts with us has nothing to do with us. Their reactions are based on their life at that moment; the way they look at their world and the beliefs from which they operate.

When Seamus doesn't want to interact in his most affection manner, It doesn't have anything to do with me. Most of the time, when he is in that mood, I haven't seen much of him that day. His mood could be based on how the change in weather is affecting his joints. Or perhaps Rudy, my other cat, or Lila, my dog, have played too aggressively and now Seamus is over-stimulated.

The fact is I don't know what motivates the swing in Seamus' mood. And I absolutely don't know what is going on in an other human's life that drives their behaviors. Many of these people I don't see every day or even every week. Even those I see every day, I don't spend twenty-four hours a day with them. I don't know everything that is going on with them. So, tell me, how is taking their reactions to me personally rational?

Don't Make Assumptions

Everyday we make assumptions about events, people, and the world. Too often we take those assumptions and run with them as if they were proven facts. We respond to people assuming the worst of intent from them.

I could assume on those days when Seamus would rather hide behind my bed that curl up on my lap while I relax on the couch that he is relapsing into who he was when he first moved in with us. Or I could assume he hates me. Everyday we make those assumptions about the people in our lives.

These assumptions drive our behaviors and give rise to misunderstandings. And in the end lead us to further take things personally, creating a viscous cycle.


So perhaps, it would be a good idea to take our friends, our families and all the people in our lives at face value. Perhaps if we did, our relationships would be very different in a very positive way.

The Sky's the Limit . . . Or Is It?

Picture Courtesy of darapoznar.com

     When we were kids, the world was a wondrous place. A bountiful cornucopia of possibilities. Nothing was impossible. There were fairies and princesses and knights in shining armour. Dragons awaited our slaying. And magic was as commonplace as mashed potatoes for dinner.

     Somewhere along the lines our world became tarnished. It was harder to see the knight slaying a fire breathing dragon in the clouds that floated across the deep blue summer sky. We began to doubt ourselves, our potential. We punished ourselves repeatedly for our mistakes.

     Even the way we view each other shifted. Gone was the easy openness of our younger selves. Fear and doubt replaced love. We created systems for judging others and even ourselves.

       And our world shrank in depth and width. The rich colors faded to grayscale. Our potential was now limited. Lucky for us, it doesn't have to stay this way.

Our perceptions are a product of our beliefs about the world, how it functions, and how the creations within it operate. These perceptions then drive our behaviors. They dictate how we treat others. They tell us what we can achieve and determine if we are considered to be good or bad.

In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz tells the story of a human who fell asleep in a cave. And while this person slept, they had an amazing dream that revealed to them them the true nature of mankind. They came to realize that each and everyone of us are made up of the stars; that we are light; and that we each possess the miraculous divine nature of life.

This story shares a deep truth. We possess the limitless potential of creation. We are each stars in our own right. Even the scientists at physicscentral.com agree. Humans are made up of stardust.

Seeing people for the incredible collection of stardust that they are leads us to a deeper value of each other. It pulls out a depth of compassion that we often fail to show ourselves, let alone the panhandler standing on the street corner. It restores our potential.

Watch Your Attitude!

     "Watch your attitude!"

     I don't know how many times I have said those words to my son in my sturnest mom voice. Usually it's when he has decided he doesn't want to do a particular school project. A project that doesn't stimulate his interest. Or one that makes him use skills that aren't a part of his particular set of strengths.

     It's a conversation that starts with a belligerent, "I can't!"  And even if he doesn't actually do it, you can hear him stamp his foot in defiance. Followed by a"Macy's New Year's Parade" of excuses. "It's too hard! I don't understand! It's too boring! It's stupid!" And then culminates in crocodile tears.

     And ultimately, he's right! He can't. As long as he holds a position of limitations, he absolutely cannot do the project!

     Our attitudes aren't a simple little emotion we feel. They are a learned way of perceiving things in our lives. It impacts how we view others, situations, or things. Or in my son's case his homework. And are made up of three components.

Emotional Component

     The emotional element represents how we feel about whatever our attitude is directed at. In my son's case he is feeling frustration and fear. Frustration at trying to do something over and over that hasn't yet clicked in his brain. Fear that he may never really understand it.

Cognitive Component

     This is comprised of our beliefs and thoughts about the subject that is drawing our response. My son's view of the assignment at hand, is driven by a belief that because that this concept is taking so long to learn that he will never master it. He's mind doesn't remember all the other challenging lessons that his brain conquered.

Behavioral Component

     Our emotions, thoughts and beliefs about the situation ultimately drive our behaviors. For my son, you hear it in his tone of voice. See it in the hand on the hips; the scrunching of the face; and ultimately the tears flowing down his face.

     Changing our attitude is more than changing how we feel about the situation. If we are to change our attitude, we have to take the time to understand what makes up the surge of emotions that are flooding us. We have to stop and identify what beliefs are driving our perspective. Are they true? Are they beliefs we created or did we learn them from others? Do they help us or are they holding us back? And if they aren't true, we have to determine what is the truth.

     With my son, we talk about feelings and about his view of reality. We look at all the challenges he's conquered. We discuss how he isn't the only one to have to tackle something he doesn't want to do. We examine the benefits of doing the assignment. In the end, we finish the assignment, and if I am lucky he learns more than just the academic lesson. He learns that he can!

That's Not How I See It

Perspective is one of the most powerful forces in our lives. It is the driving force behind our outcomes. Its power to shape was brought home to me this summer when I visited The High Desert Museum with my son and a friend of mine. 

Amid the exhibits on wildlife, Native American history, and mining camps was the Miller Family Ranch and Sawmill. A trip into the past, back about one hundred years.

There were period style housing for the family and the staff of the ranch and sawmill. My son pumped water from a well using a hand pump. And chickens pecked the ground in front of the barn.

My friend and I struck up a conversation with one of the “ranch hands." He was a friendly chap who was very adept at staying in character.

During the course of the conversation, he asked were we had come from. My friend replied that she was from Bend. He expressed his surprise, “That's quite a trip, twelve hours by wagon! " When I responded that I was visiting from Portland, he was completely astounded. “Why you must be exhausted! Making that journey by wagon would have taken twenty-four hours."

My friend and I laughed as we walked away. The perspective on travel had shifted so much in the past hundred years. What she and I took so easily for granted not too long ago was an unreasonable extravagance for a simple day of fun.

Our point of view is shaped by many things. It is influenced by our cultural background, family, religion, community and life experiences. It shapes so much of our lives - what opinions we hold; how we make decisions; the actions we take.

For that ranch hand, our choice to visit the ranch seemed unfathomable. His perspective was based on life experiences that did not include automobiles and airplanes. He was operating from a mindset of limits that questioned why we would make that trip. For us it was a simple fifteen minute trip through beautiful country. We were living in a space of possibility. Why not invest the time?

Sometimes our perspective supports and encourages our success. Other times, it gets in our way and holds us back. In those instances we may have to alter our paradigm in order to move ahead. It's nice to know that we have the power to do that.

In her article, “The Power of Perspective," Mary Sherman, LCSW, CEAP provides five steps for changing our perspective.

1. Be aware of your perspective. It's easy to adapt a perspective early in life that is based on a limited amount of experience or is based on the experiences of those around us without questioning if it is valid for you where you are now in your life. Take a look at how you view the world. Do you view it from a place of limitations and lack? Or do you see the possibilities, the options and abundance? What have you based your paradigm on?
2. Look for options. Is this the only way to view the situation? Is the way you view your world helping you to be successful? Fulfilled? Happy? Does it allow you to see yourself and those in your life in a positive life? How do other people view life? How is that effecting their life?
3. Try different perspectives on for size. Try looking at the situation from a different angel. Does this new point of view provide you with more options? Does it make things look less daunting? Is it helpful to you?
4. Consciously choose to apply your new perspective. Every day you have the opportunity to choose how you will view your life. Find ways to reinforce your new perspective. I keep a large piece of paper on my wall where I list all the things for which I am grateful. Every morning that list is one of the things I see.
5. Stay aware and conscious of your perspective. Often our perspectives are a long-time habit. Life has a way of slipping in a few curve balls in on you. It takes perseverance to continuously maintain your new outlook.

Your power lives in your choices. What will you choose?

#Outlook, #Paradigm, #Perspective, #Point of View