I remember the first time I desperately wanted to be good enough for my dad, to be the perfect daughter. I was in first grade and my family and I were traveling in our green Pinto. Sitting in the backseat, I listened intently to my parents conversation. I remember my dad telling my mom, “Children should be seen and not heard."
In my six year-old mind, that was vital clue. The perfect daughter doesn't talk a lot. I took the words to heart. A seed was planted and taking root.
Throughout my life I've struggled with feeling inadequate. And periods of significant change have often amplified those feelings of uncertainty.
I recently left my job of thirteen and a half years to follow my dreams. And while this is a change I wanted, the deep sense of responsibility - providing my son, meeting my own standards of success, paying my bills - has been enough to put me back in my parents' green Pinto.
Working through my doubt to find the path to peace, I've learned several valuable lessons.
Identify the Measuring Stick.
Sometimes I find I'm the one holding the ruler. I'm comparing myself, my performance to a standard of success that I've selected. Other times, like the little girl in her parents' hatchback, someone else holds the yard stick that has been selected. The problem is, when you don't hold the yard stick, you can't clearly see the benchmarks. I had no clue all the details that made up my father's image of an ideal daughter. I only had bits and pieces of the picture.
Is the Measured Stick Reasonable?
Are the benchmarks something you can actually achieve? Are the measures objective or subjective? It is one thing to compare yourself to a measure that is reasonable and objective. It is something completely different to compare your success to something that is subjective.
This summer my son and I have embarked on a quest to improve the quality of the food we eat. When we've attempted this in the past, we left the objective, the measure, broad and subjective. It's hard to know if you're eating good enough when the measure is so vague. What is a high quality diet for some, may not measure up for others. Additionally, there are some many aspects to a nutritionally high quality diet that trying to learn, remember and live by them all in a single swoop is daunting at best.
So we started this journey with a single step that we thought would have the most impact for my son. We decided to eliminate artificial color from our diet. And while it may not sound like much, this turned out to be a very big change. There is artificial coloring in more foods than you might think.
Shift Your Focus to Those Things You Can Control.
There are some parts of the equation that are outside of your control. You can't own those things. But there are many more things you do control. Focusing on those things increases your personal power and ability to influence the world around you.
I may not be able to control what ingredients food manufactures use in their products. I do, however, have complete control over what products I choose to purchase. I may not be able to establish how others measure my worth, but I do have the freedom to determine how I judge my character.
#Change; #Self-Esteem; #Self-Worth; #Success
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