Jobs as Relationships: Healing in New Employment

This is just a short reflection, following up on my two recent posts about returning to a ‘day job’ and what I’ve learned from the experience. The other posts have focused on how I’ve shifted my mindset to a positive one, and what that has meant both for my energy and for my business as I continue to pursue my dreams.

This post is a little different. It’s about the healing I’ve experienced by finding a positive job environment.

A toxic work situation can be truly devastating. You can lose your energy to negativity, as well as sacrificing your time and ability.

I wrote last about the importance on focusing on positivity. But a key detail is that if you feel negative in a situation, you need to figure out whether this negativity is internal or external. When I went back to work, the bad energy was within me, and was a reaction to feeling like I wasn’t in control of my situation, and holding onto the idea that the situation was a bad one. This was in spite of the overwhelming positivity surrounding me, and the opportunities my new work had already started to bring me.

This is very different from previous work experiences, where the negativity surrounded me and my best efforts couldn’t compete with the external damage of my situation.

If you are in a negative work situation, you have to find a way to safely leave. It’s like a damaging relationship. You can feel the effects of emotional abuse in your work setting that damage all aspects of your life and dreams.

Like the feeling of leaving a negative relationship, when I walked away from my previous employment, I spent a long while feeling the backlash of ‘never again’ and believing any day job would have the same power to harm me.

My new job has been incredibly healing. The culture of my coworkers is supportive and affirming. The employee culture prioritizes our needs, from the simple (adequate breaks) to the profound—the office is going through a domestic violence prevention training to help all members of the team recognize and prevent abuse. I NEVER would have imagined this was possible! I feel cared for, known, and valued. My work is building me up, instead of tearing me down.

If you feel unsatisfied with your current path, take a bit of time and reflect on where this dissatisfaction is coming from. Are you in a situation that is damaging you? Or is there something you can shift within yourself, consciously moving from the negative to the positive, that can change the way you relate to your surroundings to find the positive?

I would love to hear your experiences with both the positives and negatives of employment. What’s your journey? Reach out—let’s share what we’ve learned. 

Finding the Positive

As I wrote in my last blog post, Changes Personal Transformation, I recently underwent a massive change in my path: I have returned to full-time work at a ‘day job’ and experienced all the mental turbulence of choosing that lifestyle after these past months of thinking my path was fundamentally meant to be about creating a business around life coaching.

I almost destructed this opportunity because I was stuck in a negative mentality, chasing my tail and feeling like I was sliding backward instead of pursuing my dream.

Two key ideas have taken shape based on this experience:

• Focus on the positive
• Recognize the difference between the path and the goal

The Positive

First: the positive. I was so stuck in a mentality that the job offer meant betraying my dreams that I almost walked away from the job. I felt like I either had to quit the day job or I had to quit my coaching business and give up on my dreams.

That trapped, either/or mentality, stopped me from seeing the positive in my situation.

The day job provided a sense of security that shored up the rest of my time and mental energy. I had been worrying about rent, bills, and the fundamental truth that you can’t reasonably have a kid without health insurance.

The job lifted those worries from my mind. I knew the basics were taken care of. I was freed to be creative and compassionate because I wasn’t trapped in anxiety and insecurity.

The day job also provided a new and positive community. This was difficult for me to see for a little while, when I was trapped in a mentality that the job meant a betrayal of my own values. But when I really looked around at my situation, I began to see positive coworkers, compassionate management, and a real sense of community. The job was a good place to be.

Recognizing the Difference Between the Path and the Goal

Knowing your dream is essential to effectively pursuing it. I knew my dream was to help people reach their full potential. I knew that with 100% conviction. That is my goal.

But that doesn’t have to be every aspect of my daily path.

The job has clarified my purpose. It’s been a catalyst to boil down what I want into short-term steps. This process hasn’t been about paring down or weakening my dreams—it’s been about finding the perfect fit. By focusing and reframing the choices in my immediate path, I’ve discovered what I actually wanted.

This has moved me away from pursuing a stereotypical coaching business model to examining my skills and desires to create the dream I actually want.

How I got there

Interestingly, I couldn’t pull myself into positive thinking on my own. I knew I needed to get there—I’ve advised so many people to do this, after all! But somehow I couldn’t see what was good about my situation.

It took a combination of personal friends and the treasured advice of a life/business coach of my own to see the value of the path I’d found.

The biggest message I received, once they helped me get there, is that you can’t see opportunity if you’re focused on negatives.

Finding the positive has meant that this transformation has been an enormous positive for both my business and my immediate path. I know I’m right where I need to be. And thank goodness for that. 

Embracing Change

I remember when my son was half-way through pre-kindergarten. With tears streaming down his face, he clung to me in fear one night at bedtime. When I asked him what was wrong, he explained he didn't want to go to kindergarten the next school year. He shared that he was afraid he wouldn't be ready. I tried to explain to him that when the time came, he would be ready. He still had a lot of time before then.


My words of comfort and reassurance were met with his explosive was met with his explosive sob, "Nooo, I won't!"

So often, we - like my young son - fight changes we cannot halt. We make our journey more stressful and less enjoyable than it need be. When I have found myself struggling to accept the shifts that are a part of life, I have found the following helpful.

Calm Your Mind

I don't know about you, but when I first encounter a major change, my mind is racing. "How am I going to get through this?" "What am I going to do?" "I like things the way the are! Why does it have to change?" Only a few of the thoughts that can be find tearing up the race course of your mind.

You will have to calm my mind - the sense of panic and impending doom. Deep breathing exercises and walks in nature are often a good place to start the process. Then start looking through your past, reviewing all the times you have successfully navigated other transitions. Much like the process I shared in Building Triumph from Triumph. 

Gradually, the fear, the panic subside and you can start working through the process.

Determine Your Ability to Control

When change comes into our lives uninvited, one of the biggest things I wrestle with is the lack of control I feel. Over time, I have learned that nothing is completely out of my control. Understanding the Spheres of Control, helps break the situation down so I can see how I can affect some control.

First, take a look at what things in the situation are under your control.

For example, when I was struggling with the fact that I was suddenly a single mother, I found there was plenty I could control. My choices dictated how my money was spent. I could control where we lived. I determined who my son and I befriended.

Next, figure out what you can influence.

I can't control when my son sees his father or how much he sees him; however, I can influence the situation. I can't dictate the terms of our divorce, but I can influence the outcome by advocating for myself and what I feel to be in my son's best interest.

Finally, look at what you can't control or influence. One of the biggest pieces of the equation I couldn't control was my ex-husband. His behaviors and attitudes were completely under his own control. These I had to let go of.

Take It A Step at A Time

Once you know what you can control or influence, start breaking it to a step-by-step course of action. Start with those things that you control and then move on to those things you can influence.

One of the biggest acts of reclaiming my control was to sit down with my son and created a spending plan. Our plan ensured our bills were payed and built in some room for play. We experienced a huge triumph when we saved up and were able to take a weekend trip to the Oregon beach.

Embrace the Change

I know this own is easier said than done, but it is possible. Every change has silver linings, start by looking for them. The ones you notice at first will most likely be small. Just make sure to acknowledge them and keep looking for the good.

When we first moved into our own apartment, I was terrified. I didn't know what would happen next. And I knew that just after leaving is when a victim of domestic violence is at the highest risk. Gradually I began to feel a sense of freedom. When ever I doubted I had made the right choice, I would get in touch with those feelings and bask in that wonderful, hard earned freedom. Now, three years out, I would have to say that becoming a single mother has been one of the best things to happen. Not just for me, but also for my son.


My son is now in the seventh grade. And over the years, these battles have become less intense and fewer in number. He is learning to to trust himself. He's built a track record of successfully navigating change. A few weeks ago, he gleefully shared with me how he's looking forward to going into high school in two years. My son has learned to embrace change.

Building Triumph Out of Triumph

     Last week in my post, Watch Your Attitude!, I shared how my son, when faced with something new that was challenging would forget past triumphs as he struggled with the new learning experience. So often, our response to a new challenge, a change we have to work through is similar to his. All we can see is a change we don't like. The difficulties and unknown dominate our vision. We feel defeated and hopeless.

     The truth is we have a wealth of experience to draw from when we step into the unknown. If we pause and take the time to look over the course of our life, we find our past has given us the gift of deep wisdom. No, the challenges of the past aren't exactly like what we are going through at the moment. But if we look objectively, we most likely will find pieces of strength and knowledge that can help guide us through our current situation.

     With all this in our back pocket, why would we want to reinvent the wheel? So how do we tap into the wealth of our past?

Name Your Triumph

    Before you can glean the wisdom of your past, you have to acknowledge where you have succeed. What is the back story of your triumph?

     For me, as I embark on this new phase of my life, I can look back to my own personal triumph of earning by bachelors degree while working full time and parenting a very active preschooler. At this point in my life, I was still married to my son's father. And while that might make it seem like it would simplify things, his rotating work schedule made childcare and support during the times I needed to do homework very challenging.

Identify Your Motivation

     List the details that motivated you to take action in the past. What got you moving? What kept you moving? What is similar between now and then? Are there other motivational emotions that can help you take action?

     Prior to enrolling, my son's father had spent the previous several years with a chronic illness. We didn't know if he would ever get better of if the mystery would end up costing him his life. Many of the potential causes were fatal.

     I remember sitting in my office one afternoon, contemplating what kind of a future my son and I would have should something happen to his father. I realized that while I had a good job at the time, the likelihood of getting hired into a comparable position outside of my of current employer weren't good with the education I had at the time. My desire to be able to take care of myself and my son with or without his father's income was my driving force.

Prepare for Action

     Breakdown what you did to prepare for action. What questions did you need to answer? What resources did you know you needed? What support components did you need?

     When I looked at my situation and realized needed to complete my bachelors degree, I started by making a list of questions I need to answer. Was there a college that would accept all of my credits from my associates degree? What major would support my career best? How long would it take to graduate? Was there a way to go to school and still work during the day? Could I get financial aid? On times when I was in class and my son was in school, who would watch my son? As I answered those questions, a plan started to evolve.

     As I started out on my current adventure, the some of the motivations are similar. I want a better life for my son and I. I want the flexibility to be there for him. I also am driven by my own personal need to pursue something that resonates with what I feel is my own personal calling.

List Your Resources

     Any change, any goal you set out to achieve will require resources. What resources did your past triumph require? What resources did you already have? Do you still have those resources? Can they help you in your current situation? What other resources do you still need?

     When I went back to school, I needed someone who could help me by watching my son while I was in class. His god-mother was more than willing to pitch in. I needed financial aid to be able to pay for school. The financial aid office helped me fill out all of the necessary paperwork.

     Now, the resources I need are different. I need guidance on how to market my business. I need to find places to hold workshops. I have friends who have good connections and are willing to share them with me to support my businesses growth.

Outline Your Action Steps

     What steps did you take to accomplish your goal or work through your challenge? What order did you take them in? What went well? What helped it to go well?  What could have gone better? What would have helped it go better?

     I started with finding a school that matched my needs. Next I figured out how many nights I would be in school. I ask my son's god-mother if she would be able to watch my son when I was in class and his dad was at work. Once she had agreed, I applied to school and filled out the financial aid paperwork. I developed a childcare schedule. I even took the time to explain what was going on to my son. When classes started, I took each class week by week; assignment by assignment. I collaborated with classmates. I kept at it until the day I walked across the stage and was handed my diploma.

     Overall things went very well. I earned good grades. I graduated with honors. While I academically excelled, I could have done a better job in building relationships that would have expanded my personal and professional network. That is a lesson that I can apply to my current situation.

Support Continuous Motivation

     Working through change and achieving goals is not an easy, short road to travel. It takes persistence, determination, and a lot of hard work. Your past experiences will have been no different. What did you do to stay motivated? How did you take care of yourself emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Can you utilize those strategies this time?

     When I was going to school, one of my most useful strategies to stay motivated was to celebrating my successes. I celebrated the smallest of victories. After every report card came out, I would call my mother as I drove to pick up my son and share my success. I also worked my homework schedule so that my family and I could still have time for fun. We took vacations. We had friends over for a Super Bowl party.

     All of these things are strategies I can employ now. The biggest difference is that while earning my degree, the academic structure automatically supplied the benchmarks. As I build my business, I am the one who will have to establish the benchmarks myself.

Look for Additional Lessons

     Scan back through your triumph in your mind. What other lessons did you learn as you worked through the situation? Will any of those lessons help you now?

     Looking through my own past situation, I realize that I am very successful when I have a plan. When things are broken down into clear steps I can take. My long time success depends on my ability to do this for my self, for my business.

Find an Accountability Partner

     Accountability partners offer you an external source of motivation. There are many different individuals who can play this role for you such as teachers, parents, peers and life coaches.

     In college, my professor and teammates were my accountability partners. Going forward I will need to identify someone who can fill that role.

     We each possess a vast wealth of knowledge and wisdom. Those treasures help us succeed in all of our subsequent challenges and triumphs. I have created a tool to help you discover the wisdom of your past triumphs.

Prepare Ahead of Time

The leaves are bursting with the colors of fall. Brilliant reds, burgundies, golds and oranges exploding on the hills around my home. There is a crispness to the air, even on the warm days of the season. Grey and drizzling overcast skies hide the summer sunshine and heat. And the darkness clings to the earth, staying later each morning and creeping earlier each evening.

Last weekend seeing the light shine from inside my apartment shine on the outside around the edges of my front door, I had a stark reminder of the changing seasons and the prep work I needed to finish before we move too far into fall. It takes so much more energy to keep the house warm when the temperatures drop and the off-again-on-again drizzle turns into a continuous downpour. No sense in using more than I have to.

So I made a quick trip to the local hardware store to buy supplies. I picked up weatherizing strip to seal up the front door. I bought plastic to cover our windows and the large sliding glass door in the kitchen. Once home I locked my two cats and my dog in a bedroom and put up the weatherizing strip. Right now, it is still too warm to seal up the windows, but as the weather turns more consistently cold, I will continue preparing my home for the inevitable transition from fall to winter.

Just like I know this winter is ultimately coming, I know other changes will weave their way into my life. I may not know exactly when. I may have no clue what the specifics of the change will be. But I know that as I move through the days, weeks and months of my life somewhere in there I will go through at least one change.

Working through transition requires a good deal of energy as well. It is harder to find a place of calm. More challenging to focus on what needs to be done next. It's a process that is exponentially more difficult when we don't prepare for it.

I know, I know, you're thinking, "How can I prepare for a big shift in my life when I don't even know what that shift will be?"

I'm not suggesting we prepare for the specifics of an undetermined situation. I am, however, saying, there are things we can do to "winterize" ourselves for whatever comes our way. Below are a few that come to mind.

Establish Practices that Help You Center

The turmoil of change can leave you feeling like everything is up in the air. Nothing seems to fit into place any more. And focus is a thing of the past. In moments like these having, a well established ritual to fall back on can be a god-send. While there are many practices that can help, breathing exercises and meditation practices are two excellent tools to help you cope. If they are already a regular part of your life, you will more naturally use them throughout the process.

Build a Network of Support

There may be times when you need a shoulder to cry on. Someone to give you a pep talk. A friend to hold your hand as you walk through a particularly dark period in your life. When you are struggling to see the sunshine in your life, it is challenging to reach out to people you don't know and build strong relationships. Building them before a life transition is in full swing helps to add stability to a time in your life that may seem anything but stable.

Develop Your Own, Individual Interests

Our hobbies and other interests can provide a momentary distractions from those things that stress us. They build positive emotions. They are also helpful in connecting us to others.  When we are in less than positive frame of mind, finding things that make us feel good, that shifts our focus from the stresses of our lives is a lot more challenging.


Its far easier to put these in place when your not in the midst of a major change in your life. I would recommend putting as many in place as a consistent part of your life, keeping in mind that depending on the situation you are currently in, not all of them may be possible.

Worse before It Gets Better

I absolutely love the end result of a deep house cleaning project. I don't mind the work. Sorting possessions - keep, toss donate. Sucking up all the dust and pet fur out of the carpet with the vacuum. Scrubbing and cleaning everything in sight. The crisp cleanness, the lack of clutter, I absolutely love it!

But in the middle, of the cleaning, just when it feels like I should be almost done, everything looks worse than when I started. The piles and clutter have multiplied exponentially. It is one of the most frustrating feelings. At that moment, I feel so overwhelmed.

When going through life transitions - whether it is a change of my own choosing or not - too often part way through we begin to feel just like that. We've been focusing on what we can control. We are keeping ourselves focused and positive. Yet it feels like everything has become even worse than we started.

Here are some tips I've found useful in getting through the frustration.

1. Stop for A Moment and Breath. When we begin to feel overwhelmed, taking a moment to focus on our breathing can help us to clear our mind. This short break can allow us to regain our drive and motivation. It will also help reduce any sense of stress we may be experiencing.
2. Divide the Task into Smaller Chunks. We  most like mapped out a plan in our minds or on paper that we are following. When things begin to feel overwhelming, further driving the plan into even smaller pieces allows us to see progress quickly. This helps to shift us emotionally back to seeing the positive.
3. Celebrate the Victories No Matter How Small. By celebrating our victories - even the smallest ones - help build emotional momentum. This is essential in carrying us through to see the change to the end. 
4. Finally, Don't Give Up. It is possible to triumph if only we don't give up. 

So, we buckle down; keep breathing; make the process manageable and never give up. And in the end, we end up with a crisp clean space, so to speak.

Counting Your Blessings

     Around the world and throughout most cultures, giving thanks for our blessings, for the abundance of the harvest is an important tradition. From the American Thanksgiving, to the Homowo Festival in Ghana; these rituals call us to be grateful for the bounty of the harvest.

     To me, the prevalence of these rituals suggests a deep intrinsic understanding that gratitude is an essential component of human life. Our ancestors may have believed that its importance was tied to honoring and pleasing the gods. In our contemporary world, psychologist have linked gratitude to our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. The counseling center at the University of Massachusetts - Dartmouth  lists a multitude of benefits people gain through expressing gratitude on a regular basis.

     In the midst of an overwhelming change, the platitudes you often hear encourage you to, "count your blessing." It can be difficult to listen to such words of encouragement. It is even more difficult to apply it to your life - even if it is one of the most important things you can do at that time.

     When my son and I left behind the abuse of our old home, I found myself in a difficult period of change. I was suddenly a single mother. I was responsible for all of my own expenses as well being pressured by my former husband to pay several of his. Money was tight. We had a limited circle of support. And while having the weight of constantly walking on egg shells taken off of my shoulders was a wondrous relief and very welcome, the stress of all the new responsibilities; the sense of isolation made it so difficult to see much of anything to be grateful for.

     I repeated my story over and over - to myself; to the few friends I was just starting to make - focusing on the hurt, the wounds, the fresh scars. I felt myself spiraling into an abyss of anger and bitterness. The days were dark and the nights long.

     I finally came to a point where I had to change my approach or risk loosing hope; risk losing the

I think it's time I add another page to continue my wall!

potential this new situation represented.

     On the door of my closet, I taped up a large sheet of white flip-chart paper. I titled it "My Gratitude Wall."  On it I started writing all of the things for which I was grateful. At first I added the obvious. I was thankful for my son. My achievements. My friends.

     Gradually, the items shifted to less obvious things. I was grateful for the beauty I was beginning to see in myself. I was thankful for my strengths - things I had downplayed for most of my life. I began to show appreciation for the dreams I was starting to bring into reality.

     As a child, we often sung a hymn about gratitude in Sunday morning church services.

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

     I found gratitude was my ticket to a brighter future. Gratitude hasn't changed the past. It doesn't mean my pain wasn't real. It let me see there was more to the place I was in than I could initially see. It has taken time, but it has led me to a place where I could thrive!

Drawing Your Own Map through Change

     Right now, I'm sitting in the middle of a huge change. This summer I left my nine-to-five to focus full time on my coaching business. And while this change is one I wanted, one I had chosen, it came with bundled with the chaos of finding myself in uncharted waters.

     I never realized how much my drive and motivation were dependent upon the structure my old job provided. Without that structure, without the security of the known, it has felt like I've lost my focus.

     Working through this transition I'm finding several things helpful.

     First, I used the known to organize what was becoming known to me. I started by organizing what I did know into manageable chunks. For me, this meant organizing the tasks I know I need to accomplish. There was my business. My family. My church. My volunteer work.

     Second, I started the process of prioritizing my action items. Some items I had a good idea of their importance. Other items I has no idea. I left them without a priority knowing that as my knowledge grew things might have to be adjusted.

     Finally, I created a space that provided me a way to escape the crazy clutter of uncertainty that sometimes filled my mind. I filled it with figurines that I find peaceful. I added in rocks that held deep personal meaning for me. I have a small obelisk, an ancient Egyptian symbol for a ray of sunshine. And in the middle, a tree. One tiny connection to the forest that take my breath away any ease my stress.

     Working through this change where nothing feels the same, I'm finding that lessons from the past are helping me unlock the future.

Changing of the Colors - Turning of the Seasons

     The other day while driving home from a friend's a breathtaking tree caught my eye. Its leaves painted like a Monet. A blend of rosy pinks, rusty oranges and vibrant burgundies had been dotted over once deep green leaves in staccato brush strokes.

     As beautiful as it was, the sight of it left me feeling wistful. The summer had been an extravaganza of swimming, hanging with friends, and new beginnings. I longed to stay in that time and place. I was content in the swirl of activities. I was loving the whether. I didn't want too see the temperatures to drop. The skies to turn gray, and raindrops falling day after day from the sky. But I was powerless to stop the turning of the colors - the changing of the seasons.

     Like the changing of the seasons, our lives are continually changing. We have spaces in our lives that feel like summer vacation. They're playful and laid back; full of adventures and sunny, warm skies.

     Before we know it, the first yellow leaf comes blowing into our lap as we relax on our porch. And we find ourselves facing a choice. Do we embrace the incoming season? Or do we fight it and struggle to keep summer going?

     As hard as it may be, embracing the new seasons of our lives is the path to personal growth, setting our potential free, and finding our way back to summertime fun.

Start with Gratitude

     The summers of our lives give us so many wonderful experiences. We feel comfortable, content. Summer is casual and playful.

     As we move through the seasons of our lives, we carry forward the blissful memories of summer's warmth. Those memories are restorative. They carry us through the cold miserable days filled with dreary gray clouds and rain.

     Express gratitude for the gifts brought to us by the summers of our lives.

Look for the Benefits of Fall

     While we all love the summertime playfulness, fall has its own beauty to offer. The changing colors of leaves. The crunch of a crisp apple. Haunted houses and Halloween parties.

     Similarly a new season in our lives has benefits to offer us. Looking for the upside can help ease the transition. It gives us hope and an edge of excitement.

Check Your Toolbox

     As we move from summer to fall, we often bring out our sweaters and scarves. We check to see if last year's boots will still work for this year.

     And like we do in preparing for nature's season changes, we need to do the same for the shifting seasons of our lives. What have we done that has helped us successfully navigate other changes? How have we nourished ourselves emotionally and spiritually? What tools have we learned that will be helpful?

     The wheel of time continually turns. Summer fades into fall; fall moves into winter; winter blossoms into spring; and spring gives birth to summer. So our lives are always shifting, changing. Joys, lessons, and tools from our past blend together with new experiences and challenges to unlock new skills and potential within ourselves.

Creating Positive Change

There are many areas of my life where I have been incredibly successful at creating positive change. When I had reached the end of my rope with working retail, I went back to school and earned my associate degree. I have earned both my bachelors and masters degrees while working full time, raising my son and managing a household.

The one area I've struggled to make lasting positive change is in my diet. It's been a source of frustration for me. I've been on and off Weight Watchers more than once. Over tried so many things and still the charges don't last. How can I have so much success in so many areas of my life and yet seemingly fail in this one area. I know why I want to succeed. There's improved health, look better, feel better, more confidence just to name a few. And they're all things I want. Yet I still continue to yo-yo. Grrr! So completely annoying!

This summer I've started to really look at the differences between the times when I've successfully created change and when I've failed to create sustainable change. I've found several important distinctions.

Know What You're Adding to Your Life

Looking back at my success, I realized that my focus was on what I was gaining. When I went back to school to further my education, I was excited about the knowledge I was gaining; the doors it would open for me; the increased earning potential I would enjoy.

When I've attempted to change my eating habits and lose weight, my focus was on what I was giving up. All the unhealthy foods I loved so much: doughy white bread, candy bars, rice pudding. Yummy! I haven't focused on the new delicious recipes I will try. Haven't considered the improved health or the increased level of positive emotions.

Break It into Smaller Chunks

My most successful changes have all been ones that have been broken into smaller steps. In pursuant my education, I didn't try to take all the required classes at once. I didn't try to do all the assignments in one fell swoop. I took it one step at a time and focused on each step one at a time.

Those changes that have been more difficult, where succeed was never fully attained, have not been broken into steps. Changing the way I eat has always been an attempt at a complete overhaul. Eliminate the junk. Eat healthy. Drink water. Exercise - agh!

Trying to make a big change all at once is incredibly difficult. It can leave you feeling overwhelmed and wanting to give up. Give yourself a chance at success and break it into manageable sized steps.

Repeat What's Worked in Past

Take the time to look at your past success. Look for what helped you succeed. Were there specific actions you took that helped create your success? How did you control your focus? What kind of support played a part of your success? Who was a piece of your success equation?

Answering questions like those can help piece together a picture of what helps you succeed. Identify those things that help you and use them to build more success.

A Journey through the Mountains

Earlier this week, a friend and I took our sons to the coast for a last hurrah before summer ended and school began. We headed out from Portland with an active six year-old and a bored twelve year-old.

The ninety minute drive was a long and tedious ride for the six year-old in the back seat of my car. The road twisted and turned as it wound through the Coastal Mountain Range of the Pacific Northwest.

Before we reached the beach, we stopped to visit the Tillamook Cheese Factory. Up on the observation deck we watched cheese being sliced and packaged. Afterwards we enjoyed some of their extra creamy ice cream. Five different flavors.

As we left and were heading out to play in the sand, the youngest exclaimed with heart felt consternation, “I sure hope we don't have to go through any mountains to get to the beach!"

The sentiment of my young friend rang true for me. When I had reached the stage in my marriage where I was feeling desperate to escape from the emotional roller coaster of abuse, desperate to feel safe, I was at a point where I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. I didn't want to fight any longer. I remember wishing someone or something would come waltzing into my life and rescue me. I longed to be free!

Like my young friend, I wanted, wanted so much, to get to that final destination. However I definitely did not want to go through “anymore mountains." 

The mountains where fraught with fear and uncertainty. I'd have to admit my marriage was a failure. Acknowledge that I was a victim of domestic violence. Face being a single mother and figure out my finances so I could support my son and I.

I absolutely did not want to go through the mountains! I didn't want to, but I had to. I had to make that hard choice, travel that difficult road regardless of how I felt.

Whether figurative or literal a journey through the mountains can't be done without some planning and preparation.

Reach Out for Support
As I started to prepare to take my son and leave my husband, I started by reaching out to my friends and family. Despite the shame I felt, I spoke out and shared the truth about my marriage. I reached out to community resources that support women in crisis.

Once in my new community, I continued reaching out and building that network of support. It's a practice I continue to this day.

Grab the Map and Start Planning
Getting through the mountains doesn't happen by accident. And usually there isn't a night in shining armor that sweeps in and rescues us. More often we have to grab the map and start planning our route.

For me this meant figuring out what resources I had that would allow me to finance my move. It called for me to to pull those resources together. I had to research school logistics for my son; and what neighborhood we would call home. I mapped out a budget to manage my finances.

I can't say what planning you may need to do. You may want to consider these questions:
What resources do you have that could help you along the way?
What resources might you need?
What information might you need?
What steps need to be taken to reach your destination?

Feel Your Emotions but Don't Let Them Hold You Back
As you start your journey through the mountains, your emotions will run the gambit. It's important to acknowledge the feelings. Sit with them and feel them. Your emotions may give you clues to where you may need to adjust your plan,  just don't allow them to hold you back.

On the first day in our new home, the fear was palpable. As I moved through the process, there were moments of doubt and guilt. I felt each emotion, looked to see if I need to adjust course or if I should stay the course.

Luckily for my little friend, the final road to the beach didn't involve mountains. But should your path require the assent, embrace the journey.

If you are imminent danger, please reach out immediately to crisis resources in your community.

#Change; #Plan; #Prepare; #Endurance

When Will I Ever Be Good Enough

I remember the first time I desperately wanted to be good enough for my dad, to be the perfect daughter. I was in first grade and my family and I were traveling in our green Pinto. Sitting in the backseat, I listened intently to my parents conversation. I remember my dad telling my mom, “Children should be seen and not heard." 

In my six year-old mind, that was vital clue. The perfect daughter doesn't talk a lot. I took the words to heart. A seed was planted and taking root.

Throughout my life I've struggled with feeling inadequate. And periods of significant change have often amplified those feelings of uncertainty.

I recently left my job of thirteen and a half years to follow my dreams. And while this is a change I wanted, the deep sense of responsibility - providing my son, meeting my own standards of success, paying my bills - has been enough to put me back in my parents' green Pinto.

Working through my doubt to find the path to peace, I've learned several valuable lessons.

Identify the Measuring Stick. 

Sometimes I find I'm the one holding the ruler. I'm comparing myself, my performance to a standard of success that I've selected. Other times, like the little girl in her parents' hatchback, someone else holds the yard stick that has been selected. The problem is, when you don't hold the yard stick, you can't clearly see the benchmarks. I had no clue all the details that made up my father's image of an ideal daughter. I only had bits and pieces of the picture.

Is the Measured Stick Reasonable? 

Are the benchmarks something you can actually achieve? Are the measures objective or subjective? It is one thing to compare yourself to a measure that is reasonable and objective. It is something completely different to compare your success to something that is subjective. 

This summer my son and I have embarked on a quest to improve the quality of the food we eat. When we've attempted this in the past, we left the objective, the measure, broad and subjective. It's hard to know if you're eating good enough when the measure is so vague. What is a high quality diet for some, may not measure up for others. Additionally, there are some many aspects to a nutritionally high quality diet that trying to learn, remember and live by them all in a single swoop is daunting at best. 

So we started this journey with a single step that we thought would have the most impact for my son. We decided to eliminate artificial color from our diet. And while it may not sound like much, this turned out to be a very big change. There is artificial coloring in more foods than you might think.

Shift Your Focus to Those Things You Can Control. 

There are some parts of the equation that are outside of your control. You can't own those things. But there are many more things you do control.  Focusing on those things increases your personal power and ability to influence the world around you. 

I may not be able to control what ingredients food manufactures use in their products. I do, however, have complete control over what products I choose to purchase. I may not be able to establish how others measure my worth, but I do have the freedom to determine how I judge my character.

#Change; #Self-Esteem; #Self-Worth; #Success

A Horse Named Crumble

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

 The first time I went horseback ridding, I spent the entire hour long ride eating the dust of the two horses ahead of me.

My son's horse was much faster and stayed close to our guide's horse. Probably why he was named Swift.

My horse, on the other hand, plodded along at his own pace - slow. I nudged. I prodded. I cajoled. Crumble would speed up for a pinch. Then he slowed back down. Even at a trot, he was much slower than the rest.

Stepping over the uneven terrain, he picked each step with care, testing the ground beneath his hoof before letting it hold all of his weight and mine.

Gradually I released my urge to drive ahead, to rush through the experience. In that moment, I saw the beauty of nature all around me. I saw trees that had survived a wildfire. Their bark altered by the smoke and flames, yet still they thrived. I noticed the little flowers and the brook we crossed. It was a glorious ride.

Sometimes the ride of life is similar. Our impatience with change drives us to try to push through it faster. And we find ourselves frustrated, unable to affect the ultimate pace.

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

In those moments, we can learn from a horse named Crumble.

1. Be intentional. Change can be tricky. Being sure-footed requires being completely present in the here and now. Take the time to make sure each step is true to you. 
2. Be patient. I know how hard this one can be. I'm known for my go-go-go, focused, driven nature, which doesn't leave much room for patience. But I'm learning its value. Major life transitions place you squarely in uncharted territory. It takes time to figure things out. To find a way to embrace the change and let it enhance the core of your being. Being patient is one way you can show yourself the love and respect you deserve.
3. Enjoy the ride. Yes, the path may be rocky and uneven. It may seem to be filled with hurt. But sometimes, if you take the time to look up from the journey, you will find that even though the scenery has changed and every thing is different, there still is beauty.

Someday, the path you're on now will come to an end. You'll find you're not exactly who you were when you started. But you will have survived and even learned to thrive!

#change, #intentionalliving, #patience

Tested by Fire

Driving over the Cascade Mountains this summer to visit a friend in Bend, Oregon, I was struck by the scenery. The area is no stranger to wildfires. And the trees told the story of the massive transition under way.

In one area the intensity of the fire's heat had been too much. Now timber toothpicks of burnt, dead trees were scattered across the terrain. Nothing living seemed to remain.

In another area, I was in awe of the tenacity the trees displayed. It was as if they had willed themselves to survive no matter the price. The trees in this section stood tall, proud and very much alive. And while their branches bore plenteous deep green needles, these trees bore the scars of what they had endured. Deep black wounds cut through the bark. A palpable reminder of what they had endured and how they had been changed.

Major life changes have a way of ripping through the forest of our lives like a wildfire. Ripping apart the basic assumptions we hold that shape our life paradigm. I find it to be one of the most terrifying parts of the change process. Rift with uncertainty, the questioning, the doubting leave us wondering if the forest of our souls will be left filled with the dead toothpicks of our beliefs and faith. But this process doesn't have to spell the end of our faith or the destruction of our core being.

I am just emerging from one such wildfire. After having left an abusive relationship, I found myself questioning many of my basic assumptions. My life had taught me that while the divine universal force that had created me was perfect, who I had been created to be was so flawed that I was not acceptable as I was. I needed to suppress my truth and play the role of the acceptable daughter and wife.

It has been a frightening process. Not only were the basic tenets of my life burning up in this wildfire of change, but my own concept of who I was was being challenged. The parts of me whom I had spent a lifetime viewing as demons to be destroyed were staring me unabashedly in the eye. So who was I, what did I believe, and how did these two impact my spirituality.

As the fire abated, I found a new woman staring back at me in the mirror. I discovered the strength and beauty in the true me. I had discovered that my demons weren't an evil within me, waiting for a chance to destroy me. They were my truth - the original, perfect creation I was born to be. And while I may be a mother, a teacher, a lesbian, and an avid champion of the limitless potential we each possess. I learned I was lovable as I am.

The wildfires that invade our forests each summer serve to clean out the underbrush that left unattended would undermine the health of the forest. Likewise these significant transitions can serve to clean out the assumptions that clutter our lives and keep us from our truth.

In the end, we will stand tall, proud and very much alive. The bark on our trunk may be changed forever, but our truth can now shine through.

#change, #questioningassumptions, #growth

OMG! I've Grown a Tomato!

Photo courtesy appalationseeds.com

Every spring, the avid gardeners among us - a group to which I definitely don't belong - rush out to the local garden shop to load up on seeds. Dreams of a lush garden dancing in the twinkle of their eyes. They come home with their packages ready to begin the work of unleashing those seeds' potential.

Now, I don't know about you, but those dried out, little particles in the seed packets look dead to me. Even plantphys.info says that if you took them to a laboratory and ran tests to measure biological process on those seeds, you would have a hard time getting any readings that showed signs of life. So how is it that these Sleeping Beauties can produce such wonderful things like tomatoes? How is it that they hold so much untapped potential?

I have to admit anything about unleashing potential automatically peeks my interest. So I put on my researcher hat and started digging. I learned how mother nature - sometimes with the gardener's help and sometimes without - makes this magic happen.

Seeds are either in a dormant or semi-dormant state until something comes along and triggers germination. Some seeds need light to start the process. Others require moisture. While some are even more complex. If the conditions aren't right germination can't start. If the conditions change unfavorably, a plant may not achieve its full potential.

Some seeds have chemical inhibitors that block or delay germination. Until those chemicals work themselves out of the seed's system, all the perfect conditions in the world won't shift that seed from potential to fruit.

Once the conditions are right; the inhibitors gone, the transformation can begin. A process that requires some pretty significant change. First the seed has to swell with moisture. This activates the necessary enzymes and causes the skin of the seed to crack so that the first root can break through into the soil. Next a shoot grows up to the surface where it can bask in the nurturing light of the sun. The dried out seed is no more, replaced by a plant start.

Our lives are often like those dried seeds. Sometimes it's hard to imagine the potential we hold. Those

Photo courtesy hgtv.com

around us may question it. We might even doubt it. Yet it still exists.

Just like those seeds, we require the right conditions in order to flourish. Sometimes our attitudes and our paradigms inhibit our growth. We may have to let go of our preconceived ideas of how things should be and what our lives should look like so that we can grow roots and sprouts that will nourish and support us.

Yet when we open ourselves to the possess; when we surrender to change and trust - magic will happen. And you too will shout, "OMG! I've grown a tomato!"

#potential, #transformation, #change

Hiking into the Darkness

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

A few weeks ago, my son and I found ourselves staring down 150 stairs into the mouth of the Lava River Cave. We stood there staring into the darkness with just a single propane lantern as we prepared to hike one mile into the earth. I'll have to admit that despite the fact that the whole expedition had been my idea, I felt more than just a little trepidation.

Despite the anxious feelings and the fact that the stairs didn't look incredibly stable. We headed into the dark. I tried to reassure myself. I love to walk and have walked farther than a mile. It can't be that bad. We have a lamp with us; what could go wrong?

As my eyes tried to cut the darkness to see what lay ahead of us, it seemed like our lantern wasn't helping to illuminate even one step ahead of us. Some of the steps were well worn wooden steps. Some were metal mesh that allowed a glimps into the depths below. The handrail wobbled as I griped it, heading deeper into the caves. With each step I fought back tears of fear.

A deep sense of relief overwhelmed me as my son and I reached the cave floor. The lantern still barely lit the step in front of us, but we were off of the stairs. As we moved ahead, we were amazed at how perfectly round the cave was. It was as if a machine had hollowed out the lava tube. I was lulled into thinking the rest of the hike would be easy-peasy; thirty minutes tops and we would be back in the sunshine enjoying a picnic lunch.

Our eyes began to adjust to the darkness Our lamp seemed to putting out more light than it had been. We

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

could see the beauty around us. Moisture ran down the walls. Here and there, the water pooled into little puddles. Sand filled the cracks between the rocks on the floor of the cave.

We walked farther and farther into the cave. Sometimes our foot slipped on the uneven floor. Around bends, through narrow passages, occasionally having to walk stooped over to move ahead. Often we were all alone, no other hiking parties's lights in view. No other human voices bouncing off of the cave walls.

It was a very long one mile hike. More than once my son, his voice quivering in fear, begged to turn around and end our adventure. It took some cajoling to convince him to continue. A couple of times, I had to sing silly songs just to distract him.

When we reached the sand gardens, we thought we were almost to the end only to have to go around more turns and twists to follow.

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

As we continued the distance between the floor of the cave and the ceiling narrowed. And we found ourselves at the end. There was such elation. We had conquered our fears, our doubts and the darkness of the cave! We celebrated with a selfie.

We turned to head back. We found the trail back to the stairs was much steeper than it had seemed when we were hiking in.

There were times when I found myself out of breath. As I struggled to catch my breath, I found myself fearing I would have and asthma attack.

We had no way of knowing how much fuel our lantern still had. It had taken at least an hour to reach the end of the cave. I hoped we would make it back before we were enveloped in total darkness. If our lamp went out, how would we get back to the surface?

Our leg were tired. And our stomachs growled loudly with hunger. Finally we reached the bottom of the steps to the surface. I dreaded climbing the steps. One hundred and fifty steps to reach the sunlight. One hundred and fifty steps to left my weary steps. One hundred and fifty steps until it was all over. I could see the light.

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

Reflecting back now, I recognize five important lessons that can help when facing a transition.

1. Feel the emotions that the process brings up; just don't let it stop your forward movement. For me the emotions of fear were strongest going down the stairs.  I even considered turning back before reaching the bottom. I allowed myself to feel the fear, but kept going anyway.
2. Give your eyes time to adjust. When we entered the darkness of the cave, it took our eyes time to adjust to the deep darkness. Similarly, when we enter a new situation, it takes our hearts and mind a bit of time to catch up to our new reality. Things are no longer the way we expect them to be. We feel like we're walking in bleak utter darkness. With time, if we let it, our perspective will shift and we can begin to see the beauty - all be it different beauty - in our new surroundings.
3. Don't let other's feelings of doubt and fear hold you back. Had I followed my son's urging, we would have never reached the sign that says, "Go no further." We would have missed seeing a lot of wonderful things created by Mother Nature.
4. Trust yourself, your well of resources is much deeper than you think. There were moments during that hike when I didn't think we would make it out. Pushing forward, I learned I had more strength and courage than I realized.
5. Prepare ahead of time. I didn't have any concept how physically intense the hike would be. I headed into the cave without my asthma inhaler. The middle of a transition is not the place where you want to be trying to establish routines that nourish and sustain you. Establish and maintain rituals and create support networks before you ever need them.

Like many of the difficult changes I've gone through in my life, I wouldn't trade my hike into the darkness for anything.

#change, #transition, #choice

Walking into the Stormy Sea of Transition

Stormy Sea by Alexlinde on deviantART

Transitions great and small are a part of our lives. And what may seem insurmountable today may well look insignificant tomorrow.

For my son, halfway through pre-K, the transition to kindergarten was the most terrifying thing he could imagine. He did not possess a frame of reference that would allow him to understand that in a few short months, he would be ready for that change. All he knew was that he was being asked to walk into the raging, boundlessness of the ocean. He had no way to know if the waters would part and he would walk across on dry land or if he would rise above the waves to walk on top. He saw waves. Big, powerful, swallow-you-up waves. And he was expected to walk into them and potentially drown.

Likewise, when I took my son and left an abusive marriage, I had no window into the future. I had no way to imagine a life with emotional security or financial stability. While I kept looking at the past and focusing on the parts of it I dreaded giving up, I knew I didn't like the alternative I was facing. And so, like my son, I choose to walk into the tumultuous, stormy sea.

There were dark days when it felt like the riptide would pull me under. There were days when the storm was less intense and I could float and bask in the sense of personal safety that was now a part of my life. 

As the days past, there was no magical parting of the waters. There was no abracadabra moment where I found myself walking on top of the waves. I needed to build my own raft. I had to make choices that allowed me to move from struggling, to surviving, to eventually thriving.

The choices you are facing as you work to build your own raft may very well be different. And while it most likely doesn't feel like you are wise enough or smart enough, trust that you are. 

Start by figuring out what you need most to begin to calm the storm. For me, I realized that if I was to maintain my independence, I needed to solidify my finances. I had a job, but I didn't have a spending plan and found that I kept running short. I sat down with my son, who was ten at the time, and created a plan. Having him play a role in the process ended up being a major part of our success.

Just taking one step will create a buoy to help keep you a float and start to shift the control back to you. So what is that first step for you? 

#change, #transitions, #choice