Changes Personal Transformation

It’s been a long while since my last post here on the blog. A lot of that has had to do with yet another significant transition in my life, and processing my reactions and perceptions of what this would mean. 

For a long while, I’ve been pushing toward a vision of how my life should be and what it should look like. I saw myself pursuing my dream as an entrepreneur, dedicating myself to living out the belief that everyone has limitless potential, and being 100% committed to helping people unlock that potential.

Somehow I got caught up with thinking that that belief and dream needed me to honor it by being full-time employed in that space.

I’ve thrown a lot of my energy into building this business, and have developed such amazing relationships and seen life changing breakthroughs with clients. It’s been incredibly rewarding in a powerful, affirming way. But my pursuit of this full-time meant that I was chasing a specific way of meeting my goal, my dream. I was always trying to find new people and was farther than I wanted to be from being in a place where I could relax into a situation that felt secure and effective.

I was so focused on how I was going to achieve my dream that I wasn’t honoring its full intention. And, like so many others, I wasn’t secure in the basics of finances to feel truly free to pursue what I love.

One day several months back, reality came crashing down on me. I realized that my savings were depleted. My rent was due, and anxiety about health insurance for myself and my child was reaching a near-overwhelming place.

And like so many stories I’ve heard others share about how out of nowhere, an unexpected answer landed in their laps, hours after finding myself sitting in  this dark place, I received a phone call offering me a very good temp-to-hire position.

I had to grit my teeth and go back to a ‘day job’ and let go of the idea of pursuing life coaching full time.

I have quite a lot to say about what this meant for my mental state and what this meant for my image of myself and my dedication to my goals. I went through a month of feeling like I was forced onto a path I didn’t want. In fact, for a long while I wasn’t able to see just how happy and empowering the job was making me.

I’ll be writing more in upcoming posts, but what this change has actually meant is that I have clarified the difference between the path and the goal. I’ve come to realize that I don’t have to sacrifice any of my deep desires so long as I stay focused on why I’m pursuing the end goal, and clarifying the ways this can really be achieved.

So the short story is that I have found ‘day job’ employment that is empowering and positive. AND that I’ll be continuing my coaching work, but in a slightly different way. I will continue to meet one-on-one as a coach, but will start prioritizing groups and workshops (online and off), which will allow me to continue fostering personal transformation.

I’m going to keep choosing my dream, focusing on what made it the dream in the first place.

I hope you keep pursuing your dreams as well.

Prepare Ahead of Time

The leaves are bursting with the colors of fall. Brilliant reds, burgundies, golds and oranges exploding on the hills around my home. There is a crispness to the air, even on the warm days of the season. Grey and drizzling overcast skies hide the summer sunshine and heat. And the darkness clings to the earth, staying later each morning and creeping earlier each evening.

Last weekend seeing the light shine from inside my apartment shine on the outside around the edges of my front door, I had a stark reminder of the changing seasons and the prep work I needed to finish before we move too far into fall. It takes so much more energy to keep the house warm when the temperatures drop and the off-again-on-again drizzle turns into a continuous downpour. No sense in using more than I have to.

So I made a quick trip to the local hardware store to buy supplies. I picked up weatherizing strip to seal up the front door. I bought plastic to cover our windows and the large sliding glass door in the kitchen. Once home I locked my two cats and my dog in a bedroom and put up the weatherizing strip. Right now, it is still too warm to seal up the windows, but as the weather turns more consistently cold, I will continue preparing my home for the inevitable transition from fall to winter.

Just like I know this winter is ultimately coming, I know other changes will weave their way into my life. I may not know exactly when. I may have no clue what the specifics of the change will be. But I know that as I move through the days, weeks and months of my life somewhere in there I will go through at least one change.

Working through transition requires a good deal of energy as well. It is harder to find a place of calm. More challenging to focus on what needs to be done next. It's a process that is exponentially more difficult when we don't prepare for it.

I know, I know, you're thinking, "How can I prepare for a big shift in my life when I don't even know what that shift will be?"

I'm not suggesting we prepare for the specifics of an undetermined situation. I am, however, saying, there are things we can do to "winterize" ourselves for whatever comes our way. Below are a few that come to mind.

Establish Practices that Help You Center

The turmoil of change can leave you feeling like everything is up in the air. Nothing seems to fit into place any more. And focus is a thing of the past. In moments like these having, a well established ritual to fall back on can be a god-send. While there are many practices that can help, breathing exercises and meditation practices are two excellent tools to help you cope. If they are already a regular part of your life, you will more naturally use them throughout the process.

Build a Network of Support

There may be times when you need a shoulder to cry on. Someone to give you a pep talk. A friend to hold your hand as you walk through a particularly dark period in your life. When you are struggling to see the sunshine in your life, it is challenging to reach out to people you don't know and build strong relationships. Building them before a life transition is in full swing helps to add stability to a time in your life that may seem anything but stable.

Develop Your Own, Individual Interests

Our hobbies and other interests can provide a momentary distractions from those things that stress us. They build positive emotions. They are also helpful in connecting us to others.  When we are in less than positive frame of mind, finding things that make us feel good, that shifts our focus from the stresses of our lives is a lot more challenging.


Its far easier to put these in place when your not in the midst of a major change in your life. I would recommend putting as many in place as a consistent part of your life, keeping in mind that depending on the situation you are currently in, not all of them may be possible.

Drawing Your Own Map through Change

     Right now, I'm sitting in the middle of a huge change. This summer I left my nine-to-five to focus full time on my coaching business. And while this change is one I wanted, one I had chosen, it came with bundled with the chaos of finding myself in uncharted waters.

     I never realized how much my drive and motivation were dependent upon the structure my old job provided. Without that structure, without the security of the known, it has felt like I've lost my focus.

     Working through this transition I'm finding several things helpful.

     First, I used the known to organize what was becoming known to me. I started by organizing what I did know into manageable chunks. For me, this meant organizing the tasks I know I need to accomplish. There was my business. My family. My church. My volunteer work.

     Second, I started the process of prioritizing my action items. Some items I had a good idea of their importance. Other items I has no idea. I left them without a priority knowing that as my knowledge grew things might have to be adjusted.

     Finally, I created a space that provided me a way to escape the crazy clutter of uncertainty that sometimes filled my mind. I filled it with figurines that I find peaceful. I added in rocks that held deep personal meaning for me. I have a small obelisk, an ancient Egyptian symbol for a ray of sunshine. And in the middle, a tree. One tiny connection to the forest that take my breath away any ease my stress.

     Working through this change where nothing feels the same, I'm finding that lessons from the past are helping me unlock the future.

A Horse Named Crumble

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

 The first time I went horseback ridding, I spent the entire hour long ride eating the dust of the two horses ahead of me.

My son's horse was much faster and stayed close to our guide's horse. Probably why he was named Swift.

My horse, on the other hand, plodded along at his own pace - slow. I nudged. I prodded. I cajoled. Crumble would speed up for a pinch. Then he slowed back down. Even at a trot, he was much slower than the rest.

Stepping over the uneven terrain, he picked each step with care, testing the ground beneath his hoof before letting it hold all of his weight and mine.

Gradually I released my urge to drive ahead, to rush through the experience. In that moment, I saw the beauty of nature all around me. I saw trees that had survived a wildfire. Their bark altered by the smoke and flames, yet still they thrived. I noticed the little flowers and the brook we crossed. It was a glorious ride.

Sometimes the ride of life is similar. Our impatience with change drives us to try to push through it faster. And we find ourselves frustrated, unable to affect the ultimate pace.

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

In those moments, we can learn from a horse named Crumble.

1. Be intentional. Change can be tricky. Being sure-footed requires being completely present in the here and now. Take the time to make sure each step is true to you. 
2. Be patient. I know how hard this one can be. I'm known for my go-go-go, focused, driven nature, which doesn't leave much room for patience. But I'm learning its value. Major life transitions place you squarely in uncharted territory. It takes time to figure things out. To find a way to embrace the change and let it enhance the core of your being. Being patient is one way you can show yourself the love and respect you deserve.
3. Enjoy the ride. Yes, the path may be rocky and uneven. It may seem to be filled with hurt. But sometimes, if you take the time to look up from the journey, you will find that even though the scenery has changed and every thing is different, there still is beauty.

Someday, the path you're on now will come to an end. You'll find you're not exactly who you were when you started. But you will have survived and even learned to thrive!

#change, #intentionalliving, #patience

Hiking into the Darkness

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

A few weeks ago, my son and I found ourselves staring down 150 stairs into the mouth of the Lava River Cave. We stood there staring into the darkness with just a single propane lantern as we prepared to hike one mile into the earth. I'll have to admit that despite the fact that the whole expedition had been my idea, I felt more than just a little trepidation.

Despite the anxious feelings and the fact that the stairs didn't look incredibly stable. We headed into the dark. I tried to reassure myself. I love to walk and have walked farther than a mile. It can't be that bad. We have a lamp with us; what could go wrong?

As my eyes tried to cut the darkness to see what lay ahead of us, it seemed like our lantern wasn't helping to illuminate even one step ahead of us. Some of the steps were well worn wooden steps. Some were metal mesh that allowed a glimps into the depths below. The handrail wobbled as I griped it, heading deeper into the caves. With each step I fought back tears of fear.

A deep sense of relief overwhelmed me as my son and I reached the cave floor. The lantern still barely lit the step in front of us, but we were off of the stairs. As we moved ahead, we were amazed at how perfectly round the cave was. It was as if a machine had hollowed out the lava tube. I was lulled into thinking the rest of the hike would be easy-peasy; thirty minutes tops and we would be back in the sunshine enjoying a picnic lunch.

Our eyes began to adjust to the darkness Our lamp seemed to putting out more light than it had been. We

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

could see the beauty around us. Moisture ran down the walls. Here and there, the water pooled into little puddles. Sand filled the cracks between the rocks on the floor of the cave.

We walked farther and farther into the cave. Sometimes our foot slipped on the uneven floor. Around bends, through narrow passages, occasionally having to walk stooped over to move ahead. Often we were all alone, no other hiking parties's lights in view. No other human voices bouncing off of the cave walls.

It was a very long one mile hike. More than once my son, his voice quivering in fear, begged to turn around and end our adventure. It took some cajoling to convince him to continue. A couple of times, I had to sing silly songs just to distract him.

When we reached the sand gardens, we thought we were almost to the end only to have to go around more turns and twists to follow.

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

As we continued the distance between the floor of the cave and the ceiling narrowed. And we found ourselves at the end. There was such elation. We had conquered our fears, our doubts and the darkness of the cave! We celebrated with a selfie.

We turned to head back. We found the trail back to the stairs was much steeper than it had seemed when we were hiking in.

There were times when I found myself out of breath. As I struggled to catch my breath, I found myself fearing I would have and asthma attack.

We had no way of knowing how much fuel our lantern still had. It had taken at least an hour to reach the end of the cave. I hoped we would make it back before we were enveloped in total darkness. If our lamp went out, how would we get back to the surface?

Our leg were tired. And our stomachs growled loudly with hunger. Finally we reached the bottom of the steps to the surface. I dreaded climbing the steps. One hundred and fifty steps to reach the sunlight. One hundred and fifty steps to left my weary steps. One hundred and fifty steps until it was all over. I could see the light.

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

Reflecting back now, I recognize five important lessons that can help when facing a transition.

1. Feel the emotions that the process brings up; just don't let it stop your forward movement. For me the emotions of fear were strongest going down the stairs.  I even considered turning back before reaching the bottom. I allowed myself to feel the fear, but kept going anyway.
2. Give your eyes time to adjust. When we entered the darkness of the cave, it took our eyes time to adjust to the deep darkness. Similarly, when we enter a new situation, it takes our hearts and mind a bit of time to catch up to our new reality. Things are no longer the way we expect them to be. We feel like we're walking in bleak utter darkness. With time, if we let it, our perspective will shift and we can begin to see the beauty - all be it different beauty - in our new surroundings.
3. Don't let other's feelings of doubt and fear hold you back. Had I followed my son's urging, we would have never reached the sign that says, "Go no further." We would have missed seeing a lot of wonderful things created by Mother Nature.
4. Trust yourself, your well of resources is much deeper than you think. There were moments during that hike when I didn't think we would make it out. Pushing forward, I learned I had more strength and courage than I realized.
5. Prepare ahead of time. I didn't have any concept how physically intense the hike would be. I headed into the cave without my asthma inhaler. The middle of a transition is not the place where you want to be trying to establish routines that nourish and sustain you. Establish and maintain rituals and create support networks before you ever need them.

Like many of the difficult changes I've gone through in my life, I wouldn't trade my hike into the darkness for anything.

#change, #transition, #choice

Walking into the Stormy Sea of Transition

Stormy Sea by Alexlinde on deviantART

Transitions great and small are a part of our lives. And what may seem insurmountable today may well look insignificant tomorrow.

For my son, halfway through pre-K, the transition to kindergarten was the most terrifying thing he could imagine. He did not possess a frame of reference that would allow him to understand that in a few short months, he would be ready for that change. All he knew was that he was being asked to walk into the raging, boundlessness of the ocean. He had no way to know if the waters would part and he would walk across on dry land or if he would rise above the waves to walk on top. He saw waves. Big, powerful, swallow-you-up waves. And he was expected to walk into them and potentially drown.

Likewise, when I took my son and left an abusive marriage, I had no window into the future. I had no way to imagine a life with emotional security or financial stability. While I kept looking at the past and focusing on the parts of it I dreaded giving up, I knew I didn't like the alternative I was facing. And so, like my son, I choose to walk into the tumultuous, stormy sea.

There were dark days when it felt like the riptide would pull me under. There were days when the storm was less intense and I could float and bask in the sense of personal safety that was now a part of my life. 

As the days past, there was no magical parting of the waters. There was no abracadabra moment where I found myself walking on top of the waves. I needed to build my own raft. I had to make choices that allowed me to move from struggling, to surviving, to eventually thriving.

The choices you are facing as you work to build your own raft may very well be different. And while it most likely doesn't feel like you are wise enough or smart enough, trust that you are. 

Start by figuring out what you need most to begin to calm the storm. For me, I realized that if I was to maintain my independence, I needed to solidify my finances. I had a job, but I didn't have a spending plan and found that I kept running short. I sat down with my son, who was ten at the time, and created a plan. Having him play a role in the process ended up being a major part of our success.

Just taking one step will create a buoy to help keep you a float and start to shift the control back to you. So what is that first step for you? 

#change, #transitions, #choice