Coming to Your Own Rescue

When I was a little girl, I ready stories like Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty, damsels in distress who were rescued when a knight in shining armor came rushing in to rescue them. As I entered my adult life, I found the concepts of those stories influencing my decisions. They set the tone for how I handled situations that caused me suffering.

I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for twenty years waiting for a force outside myself to change my reality. I watched it deteriorate from just emotional abuse to including physical abuse while I pined away for my knight to come riding in on a white stallion to rescue me.

At some point in that relationship, something shifted for me and I moved from victim waiting for rescue to an empowered woman who claimed her own victory.

A few weeks ago a friend and I, who have both experienced those shifts, were exploring those transitions. Both of us have seen ourselves make the shift, but as we were discussing it, we weren't sure what triggered that transition.

In the days since she and I talked, I have spent a good deal of time thinking about my own experience, trying to understand the process. And while I know the list isn't exhaustive, I thought I'd share it with you and hope you might share what you've found helpful in your own journeys to a state of triumph.

Stand in My Truth

Before I could even contemplate coming to my own rescue, I first had to be honest with myself about how I felt and what I wanted. I had to own it.

I remember a few years before I left my abusive relationship, how the thought, "I want a divorce," would pop into my head. And I would quickly squelch it. It wasn't until I owned those feelings, that I could start to shift into seeking a better life.

Willing to Risk

I have a large mural hanging in my living room. It shows a rickety bridge – aged wooden slats held together by worn rope; a rope railing along each of the sides with holes big enough that if the bridge tipped, you could fall through. The fog is so thick you can’t even see what is below and there appears to be no end to the bridge. As you reach the middle of the bridge, however, you can start to see the outline of a mighty oak tree flourishing on the other side.

For me, this picture is representative of my journey. The dangerous, miserable situation I called home, felt comfortable. Taking action called me to move from status quo to an uncertain, unknown future. The path I would have to follow was rickety. It swayed and tipped and it wouldn't have taken much for me to lose my balance. Before I could continue, before I could start to see the possibilities that lay before me, I had to get to a place where I was willing to take the risk.

Watching the patterns of abuse increase in frequency and intensity prompted me to take my first step on to that wobbly bridge. Having my son beg me to take him anywhere so he could escape the stressful environment of our home when his father was home drove me to take several more steps. And finally, when my son told me he had confided in the school counselor, I found myself figuring out how I would get the two of us to the other side of the bridge.

See the Bigger Picture

There were many points in this process, I considered going back. This change was so big and so unnerving, it would have been convenient to give up. Connecting my actions to a the bigger picture reinforced my decision and helped keep me putting one foot in front of the other. 

I my situation, I didn't want to jeopardize my son's well being. I didn't want harm coming to him. And on top of those concerns, I started to notice significant, positive changes in him. Before we had left, he had major nightmares almost every night. It wasn't too long after we had moved out, his nightmares had all but ceased. By the end of our first year on our own, his confidence had grown and his fears had diminished. I didn't want to risk undoing these gains.

It has been almost four years since I started this journey. And while it has been challenging. I'm so glad I chose to cross that bridge in my life and move into a space where my son and I could thrive.

Create Your Dreams

     Watching television over the weekend, I was surprised when an ad for American Family Insurance caught my attention. A professional football player was on the screen talking about protecting your dreams and how the company could help you do just that. His final line caused me to pause and think.

"See, dreams don't come true. Dreams, dreams are made true."

     The obviousness of the words struck me. If our dreams are to come true, it is up to us to make sure it happens.

1. Define the dream. We can't make our dreams come true unless we know what we want. Sometimes our dreams are things we want to have in life - a house, a car, a family. Other times they are made up of who we want to be - a nurse, a teacher, a father. And others still encompass how we want to feel - loved, appreciated, content. What does the dream look like? How does it make you feel? Does achieving your dream change how people interact with you? If so, what is that change? What will you do when your dream comes true? Ask those questions about each area in your life: home, career, finances, health and fitness etc.
2. Visualize the dream. Visualization is an important tool in making dreams a reality. As you

   

   One of My Dream Boards

   define the dream, a picture of it will emerge. You will want to capture that image in a away that you can see every day. One way is to create a dream board. There are several varieties. You can make a collage of images that represent what you want your life to look like in each area. You can also include affirmations and quotes. If you're not sure what you in your life, you may know how you want to feel. Your board can reflect a description of times when you have experienced those feelings.
3. Create a plan and prepare for the action. Identify action steps you can take. Break them into smaller more manageable steps. Determine the best order to complete each action item. Reach out to resources that can help you as you take each step. Put your plan in writing so that you can refer back to it. Build a network of support to encourage you, brainstorm with you and hold you accountable. Group or individual coaching can provide you with some of the support you will be looking for. Once you have your plan, visualize yourself taking each action. As strange as this may sound, it is a technique used by the Olympic athletes. Researchers have found that visualizing yourself taking the action activates the same parts of the brain as actually taking the action. Close your eyes and walk yourself through each aspect of every step. Include as many senses as you possibly can.
4. Work the plan. Making your dream come true takes more than a dream board and visualizations. Just creating a plan won't make it happen. You will actually have to take each step in your plan. Utilize your resources. Check in with your support team. These tools will help you increase your skill level and help you keep on track.
5. Course adjust as needed. Sometimes things in your world will change that will alter your plan. Sometimes things don't come off the way you planned. In those instances, don't give up and throw in the towel. Figure out if you know what you need to do to adjust your course. If you're not sure check in with your support group, coach or other resources you are utilizing to work your plan. Once you correct the course, start working your plan again.

     You have the power to make your dreams come true. It will take a lot of hard work, but when you see the results of your efforts it will have been worth the work.

Counting Your Blessings

     Around the world and throughout most cultures, giving thanks for our blessings, for the abundance of the harvest is an important tradition. From the American Thanksgiving, to the Homowo Festival in Ghana; these rituals call us to be grateful for the bounty of the harvest.

     To me, the prevalence of these rituals suggests a deep intrinsic understanding that gratitude is an essential component of human life. Our ancestors may have believed that its importance was tied to honoring and pleasing the gods. In our contemporary world, psychologist have linked gratitude to our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. The counseling center at the University of Massachusetts - Dartmouth  lists a multitude of benefits people gain through expressing gratitude on a regular basis.

     In the midst of an overwhelming change, the platitudes you often hear encourage you to, "count your blessing." It can be difficult to listen to such words of encouragement. It is even more difficult to apply it to your life - even if it is one of the most important things you can do at that time.

     When my son and I left behind the abuse of our old home, I found myself in a difficult period of change. I was suddenly a single mother. I was responsible for all of my own expenses as well being pressured by my former husband to pay several of his. Money was tight. We had a limited circle of support. And while having the weight of constantly walking on egg shells taken off of my shoulders was a wondrous relief and very welcome, the stress of all the new responsibilities; the sense of isolation made it so difficult to see much of anything to be grateful for.

     I repeated my story over and over - to myself; to the few friends I was just starting to make - focusing on the hurt, the wounds, the fresh scars. I felt myself spiraling into an abyss of anger and bitterness. The days were dark and the nights long.

     I finally came to a point where I had to change my approach or risk loosing hope; risk losing the

I think it's time I add another page to continue my wall!

potential this new situation represented.

     On the door of my closet, I taped up a large sheet of white flip-chart paper. I titled it "My Gratitude Wall."  On it I started writing all of the things for which I was grateful. At first I added the obvious. I was thankful for my son. My achievements. My friends.

     Gradually, the items shifted to less obvious things. I was grateful for the beauty I was beginning to see in myself. I was thankful for my strengths - things I had downplayed for most of my life. I began to show appreciation for the dreams I was starting to bring into reality.

     As a child, we often sung a hymn about gratitude in Sunday morning church services.

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

     I found gratitude was my ticket to a brighter future. Gratitude hasn't changed the past. It doesn't mean my pain wasn't real. It let me see there was more to the place I was in than I could initially see. It has taken time, but it has led me to a place where I could thrive!