Coming to Your Own Rescue

When I was a little girl, I ready stories like Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty, damsels in distress who were rescued when a knight in shining armor came rushing in to rescue them. As I entered my adult life, I found the concepts of those stories influencing my decisions. They set the tone for how I handled situations that caused me suffering.

I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for twenty years waiting for a force outside myself to change my reality. I watched it deteriorate from just emotional abuse to including physical abuse while I pined away for my knight to come riding in on a white stallion to rescue me.

At some point in that relationship, something shifted for me and I moved from victim waiting for rescue to an empowered woman who claimed her own victory.

A few weeks ago a friend and I, who have both experienced those shifts, were exploring those transitions. Both of us have seen ourselves make the shift, but as we were discussing it, we weren't sure what triggered that transition.

In the days since she and I talked, I have spent a good deal of time thinking about my own experience, trying to understand the process. And while I know the list isn't exhaustive, I thought I'd share it with you and hope you might share what you've found helpful in your own journeys to a state of triumph.

Stand in My Truth

Before I could even contemplate coming to my own rescue, I first had to be honest with myself about how I felt and what I wanted. I had to own it.

I remember a few years before I left my abusive relationship, how the thought, "I want a divorce," would pop into my head. And I would quickly squelch it. It wasn't until I owned those feelings, that I could start to shift into seeking a better life.

Willing to Risk

I have a large mural hanging in my living room. It shows a rickety bridge – aged wooden slats held together by worn rope; a rope railing along each of the sides with holes big enough that if the bridge tipped, you could fall through. The fog is so thick you can’t even see what is below and there appears to be no end to the bridge. As you reach the middle of the bridge, however, you can start to see the outline of a mighty oak tree flourishing on the other side.

For me, this picture is representative of my journey. The dangerous, miserable situation I called home, felt comfortable. Taking action called me to move from status quo to an uncertain, unknown future. The path I would have to follow was rickety. It swayed and tipped and it wouldn't have taken much for me to lose my balance. Before I could continue, before I could start to see the possibilities that lay before me, I had to get to a place where I was willing to take the risk.

Watching the patterns of abuse increase in frequency and intensity prompted me to take my first step on to that wobbly bridge. Having my son beg me to take him anywhere so he could escape the stressful environment of our home when his father was home drove me to take several more steps. And finally, when my son told me he had confided in the school counselor, I found myself figuring out how I would get the two of us to the other side of the bridge.

See the Bigger Picture

There were many points in this process, I considered going back. This change was so big and so unnerving, it would have been convenient to give up. Connecting my actions to a the bigger picture reinforced my decision and helped keep me putting one foot in front of the other. 

I my situation, I didn't want to jeopardize my son's well being. I didn't want harm coming to him. And on top of those concerns, I started to notice significant, positive changes in him. Before we had left, he had major nightmares almost every night. It wasn't too long after we had moved out, his nightmares had all but ceased. By the end of our first year on our own, his confidence had grown and his fears had diminished. I didn't want to risk undoing these gains.

It has been almost four years since I started this journey. And while it has been challenging. I'm so glad I chose to cross that bridge in my life and move into a space where my son and I could thrive.

Building Triumph Out of Triumph

     Last week in my post, Watch Your Attitude!, I shared how my son, when faced with something new that was challenging would forget past triumphs as he struggled with the new learning experience. So often, our response to a new challenge, a change we have to work through is similar to his. All we can see is a change we don't like. The difficulties and unknown dominate our vision. We feel defeated and hopeless.

     The truth is we have a wealth of experience to draw from when we step into the unknown. If we pause and take the time to look over the course of our life, we find our past has given us the gift of deep wisdom. No, the challenges of the past aren't exactly like what we are going through at the moment. But if we look objectively, we most likely will find pieces of strength and knowledge that can help guide us through our current situation.

     With all this in our back pocket, why would we want to reinvent the wheel? So how do we tap into the wealth of our past?

Name Your Triumph

    Before you can glean the wisdom of your past, you have to acknowledge where you have succeed. What is the back story of your triumph?

     For me, as I embark on this new phase of my life, I can look back to my own personal triumph of earning by bachelors degree while working full time and parenting a very active preschooler. At this point in my life, I was still married to my son's father. And while that might make it seem like it would simplify things, his rotating work schedule made childcare and support during the times I needed to do homework very challenging.

Identify Your Motivation

     List the details that motivated you to take action in the past. What got you moving? What kept you moving? What is similar between now and then? Are there other motivational emotions that can help you take action?

     Prior to enrolling, my son's father had spent the previous several years with a chronic illness. We didn't know if he would ever get better of if the mystery would end up costing him his life. Many of the potential causes were fatal.

     I remember sitting in my office one afternoon, contemplating what kind of a future my son and I would have should something happen to his father. I realized that while I had a good job at the time, the likelihood of getting hired into a comparable position outside of my of current employer weren't good with the education I had at the time. My desire to be able to take care of myself and my son with or without his father's income was my driving force.

Prepare for Action

     Breakdown what you did to prepare for action. What questions did you need to answer? What resources did you know you needed? What support components did you need?

     When I looked at my situation and realized needed to complete my bachelors degree, I started by making a list of questions I need to answer. Was there a college that would accept all of my credits from my associates degree? What major would support my career best? How long would it take to graduate? Was there a way to go to school and still work during the day? Could I get financial aid? On times when I was in class and my son was in school, who would watch my son? As I answered those questions, a plan started to evolve.

     As I started out on my current adventure, the some of the motivations are similar. I want a better life for my son and I. I want the flexibility to be there for him. I also am driven by my own personal need to pursue something that resonates with what I feel is my own personal calling.

List Your Resources

     Any change, any goal you set out to achieve will require resources. What resources did your past triumph require? What resources did you already have? Do you still have those resources? Can they help you in your current situation? What other resources do you still need?

     When I went back to school, I needed someone who could help me by watching my son while I was in class. His god-mother was more than willing to pitch in. I needed financial aid to be able to pay for school. The financial aid office helped me fill out all of the necessary paperwork.

     Now, the resources I need are different. I need guidance on how to market my business. I need to find places to hold workshops. I have friends who have good connections and are willing to share them with me to support my businesses growth.

Outline Your Action Steps

     What steps did you take to accomplish your goal or work through your challenge? What order did you take them in? What went well? What helped it to go well?  What could have gone better? What would have helped it go better?

     I started with finding a school that matched my needs. Next I figured out how many nights I would be in school. I ask my son's god-mother if she would be able to watch my son when I was in class and his dad was at work. Once she had agreed, I applied to school and filled out the financial aid paperwork. I developed a childcare schedule. I even took the time to explain what was going on to my son. When classes started, I took each class week by week; assignment by assignment. I collaborated with classmates. I kept at it until the day I walked across the stage and was handed my diploma.

     Overall things went very well. I earned good grades. I graduated with honors. While I academically excelled, I could have done a better job in building relationships that would have expanded my personal and professional network. That is a lesson that I can apply to my current situation.

Support Continuous Motivation

     Working through change and achieving goals is not an easy, short road to travel. It takes persistence, determination, and a lot of hard work. Your past experiences will have been no different. What did you do to stay motivated? How did you take care of yourself emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Can you utilize those strategies this time?

     When I was going to school, one of my most useful strategies to stay motivated was to celebrating my successes. I celebrated the smallest of victories. After every report card came out, I would call my mother as I drove to pick up my son and share my success. I also worked my homework schedule so that my family and I could still have time for fun. We took vacations. We had friends over for a Super Bowl party.

     All of these things are strategies I can employ now. The biggest difference is that while earning my degree, the academic structure automatically supplied the benchmarks. As I build my business, I am the one who will have to establish the benchmarks myself.

Look for Additional Lessons

     Scan back through your triumph in your mind. What other lessons did you learn as you worked through the situation? Will any of those lessons help you now?

     Looking through my own past situation, I realize that I am very successful when I have a plan. When things are broken down into clear steps I can take. My long time success depends on my ability to do this for my self, for my business.

Find an Accountability Partner

     Accountability partners offer you an external source of motivation. There are many different individuals who can play this role for you such as teachers, parents, peers and life coaches.

     In college, my professor and teammates were my accountability partners. Going forward I will need to identify someone who can fill that role.

     We each possess a vast wealth of knowledge and wisdom. Those treasures help us succeed in all of our subsequent challenges and triumphs. I have created a tool to help you discover the wisdom of your past triumphs.