Embracing Change

I remember when my son was half-way through pre-kindergarten. With tears streaming down his face, he clung to me in fear one night at bedtime. When I asked him what was wrong, he explained he didn't want to go to kindergarten the next school year. He shared that he was afraid he wouldn't be ready. I tried to explain to him that when the time came, he would be ready. He still had a lot of time before then.


My words of comfort and reassurance were met with his explosive was met with his explosive sob, "Nooo, I won't!"

So often, we - like my young son - fight changes we cannot halt. We make our journey more stressful and less enjoyable than it need be. When I have found myself struggling to accept the shifts that are a part of life, I have found the following helpful.

Calm Your Mind

I don't know about you, but when I first encounter a major change, my mind is racing. "How am I going to get through this?" "What am I going to do?" "I like things the way the are! Why does it have to change?" Only a few of the thoughts that can be find tearing up the race course of your mind.

You will have to calm my mind - the sense of panic and impending doom. Deep breathing exercises and walks in nature are often a good place to start the process. Then start looking through your past, reviewing all the times you have successfully navigated other transitions. Much like the process I shared in Building Triumph from Triumph. 

Gradually, the fear, the panic subside and you can start working through the process.

Determine Your Ability to Control

When change comes into our lives uninvited, one of the biggest things I wrestle with is the lack of control I feel. Over time, I have learned that nothing is completely out of my control. Understanding the Spheres of Control, helps break the situation down so I can see how I can affect some control.

First, take a look at what things in the situation are under your control.

For example, when I was struggling with the fact that I was suddenly a single mother, I found there was plenty I could control. My choices dictated how my money was spent. I could control where we lived. I determined who my son and I befriended.

Next, figure out what you can influence.

I can't control when my son sees his father or how much he sees him; however, I can influence the situation. I can't dictate the terms of our divorce, but I can influence the outcome by advocating for myself and what I feel to be in my son's best interest.

Finally, look at what you can't control or influence. One of the biggest pieces of the equation I couldn't control was my ex-husband. His behaviors and attitudes were completely under his own control. These I had to let go of.

Take It A Step at A Time

Once you know what you can control or influence, start breaking it to a step-by-step course of action. Start with those things that you control and then move on to those things you can influence.

One of the biggest acts of reclaiming my control was to sit down with my son and created a spending plan. Our plan ensured our bills were payed and built in some room for play. We experienced a huge triumph when we saved up and were able to take a weekend trip to the Oregon beach.

Embrace the Change

I know this own is easier said than done, but it is possible. Every change has silver linings, start by looking for them. The ones you notice at first will most likely be small. Just make sure to acknowledge them and keep looking for the good.

When we first moved into our own apartment, I was terrified. I didn't know what would happen next. And I knew that just after leaving is when a victim of domestic violence is at the highest risk. Gradually I began to feel a sense of freedom. When ever I doubted I had made the right choice, I would get in touch with those feelings and bask in that wonderful, hard earned freedom. Now, three years out, I would have to say that becoming a single mother has been one of the best things to happen. Not just for me, but also for my son.


My son is now in the seventh grade. And over the years, these battles have become less intense and fewer in number. He is learning to to trust himself. He's built a track record of successfully navigating change. A few weeks ago, he gleefully shared with me how he's looking forward to going into high school in two years. My son has learned to embrace change.

Building Triumph Out of Triumph

     Last week in my post, Watch Your Attitude!, I shared how my son, when faced with something new that was challenging would forget past triumphs as he struggled with the new learning experience. So often, our response to a new challenge, a change we have to work through is similar to his. All we can see is a change we don't like. The difficulties and unknown dominate our vision. We feel defeated and hopeless.

     The truth is we have a wealth of experience to draw from when we step into the unknown. If we pause and take the time to look over the course of our life, we find our past has given us the gift of deep wisdom. No, the challenges of the past aren't exactly like what we are going through at the moment. But if we look objectively, we most likely will find pieces of strength and knowledge that can help guide us through our current situation.

     With all this in our back pocket, why would we want to reinvent the wheel? So how do we tap into the wealth of our past?

Name Your Triumph

    Before you can glean the wisdom of your past, you have to acknowledge where you have succeed. What is the back story of your triumph?

     For me, as I embark on this new phase of my life, I can look back to my own personal triumph of earning by bachelors degree while working full time and parenting a very active preschooler. At this point in my life, I was still married to my son's father. And while that might make it seem like it would simplify things, his rotating work schedule made childcare and support during the times I needed to do homework very challenging.

Identify Your Motivation

     List the details that motivated you to take action in the past. What got you moving? What kept you moving? What is similar between now and then? Are there other motivational emotions that can help you take action?

     Prior to enrolling, my son's father had spent the previous several years with a chronic illness. We didn't know if he would ever get better of if the mystery would end up costing him his life. Many of the potential causes were fatal.

     I remember sitting in my office one afternoon, contemplating what kind of a future my son and I would have should something happen to his father. I realized that while I had a good job at the time, the likelihood of getting hired into a comparable position outside of my of current employer weren't good with the education I had at the time. My desire to be able to take care of myself and my son with or without his father's income was my driving force.

Prepare for Action

     Breakdown what you did to prepare for action. What questions did you need to answer? What resources did you know you needed? What support components did you need?

     When I looked at my situation and realized needed to complete my bachelors degree, I started by making a list of questions I need to answer. Was there a college that would accept all of my credits from my associates degree? What major would support my career best? How long would it take to graduate? Was there a way to go to school and still work during the day? Could I get financial aid? On times when I was in class and my son was in school, who would watch my son? As I answered those questions, a plan started to evolve.

     As I started out on my current adventure, the some of the motivations are similar. I want a better life for my son and I. I want the flexibility to be there for him. I also am driven by my own personal need to pursue something that resonates with what I feel is my own personal calling.

List Your Resources

     Any change, any goal you set out to achieve will require resources. What resources did your past triumph require? What resources did you already have? Do you still have those resources? Can they help you in your current situation? What other resources do you still need?

     When I went back to school, I needed someone who could help me by watching my son while I was in class. His god-mother was more than willing to pitch in. I needed financial aid to be able to pay for school. The financial aid office helped me fill out all of the necessary paperwork.

     Now, the resources I need are different. I need guidance on how to market my business. I need to find places to hold workshops. I have friends who have good connections and are willing to share them with me to support my businesses growth.

Outline Your Action Steps

     What steps did you take to accomplish your goal or work through your challenge? What order did you take them in? What went well? What helped it to go well?  What could have gone better? What would have helped it go better?

     I started with finding a school that matched my needs. Next I figured out how many nights I would be in school. I ask my son's god-mother if she would be able to watch my son when I was in class and his dad was at work. Once she had agreed, I applied to school and filled out the financial aid paperwork. I developed a childcare schedule. I even took the time to explain what was going on to my son. When classes started, I took each class week by week; assignment by assignment. I collaborated with classmates. I kept at it until the day I walked across the stage and was handed my diploma.

     Overall things went very well. I earned good grades. I graduated with honors. While I academically excelled, I could have done a better job in building relationships that would have expanded my personal and professional network. That is a lesson that I can apply to my current situation.

Support Continuous Motivation

     Working through change and achieving goals is not an easy, short road to travel. It takes persistence, determination, and a lot of hard work. Your past experiences will have been no different. What did you do to stay motivated? How did you take care of yourself emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Can you utilize those strategies this time?

     When I was going to school, one of my most useful strategies to stay motivated was to celebrating my successes. I celebrated the smallest of victories. After every report card came out, I would call my mother as I drove to pick up my son and share my success. I also worked my homework schedule so that my family and I could still have time for fun. We took vacations. We had friends over for a Super Bowl party.

     All of these things are strategies I can employ now. The biggest difference is that while earning my degree, the academic structure automatically supplied the benchmarks. As I build my business, I am the one who will have to establish the benchmarks myself.

Look for Additional Lessons

     Scan back through your triumph in your mind. What other lessons did you learn as you worked through the situation? Will any of those lessons help you now?

     Looking through my own past situation, I realize that I am very successful when I have a plan. When things are broken down into clear steps I can take. My long time success depends on my ability to do this for my self, for my business.

Find an Accountability Partner

     Accountability partners offer you an external source of motivation. There are many different individuals who can play this role for you such as teachers, parents, peers and life coaches.

     In college, my professor and teammates were my accountability partners. Going forward I will need to identify someone who can fill that role.

     We each possess a vast wealth of knowledge and wisdom. Those treasures help us succeed in all of our subsequent challenges and triumphs. I have created a tool to help you discover the wisdom of your past triumphs.