Embracing Change

I remember when my son was half-way through pre-kindergarten. With tears streaming down his face, he clung to me in fear one night at bedtime. When I asked him what was wrong, he explained he didn't want to go to kindergarten the next school year. He shared that he was afraid he wouldn't be ready. I tried to explain to him that when the time came, he would be ready. He still had a lot of time before then.


My words of comfort and reassurance were met with his explosive was met with his explosive sob, "Nooo, I won't!"

So often, we - like my young son - fight changes we cannot halt. We make our journey more stressful and less enjoyable than it need be. When I have found myself struggling to accept the shifts that are a part of life, I have found the following helpful.

Calm Your Mind

I don't know about you, but when I first encounter a major change, my mind is racing. "How am I going to get through this?" "What am I going to do?" "I like things the way the are! Why does it have to change?" Only a few of the thoughts that can be find tearing up the race course of your mind.

You will have to calm my mind - the sense of panic and impending doom. Deep breathing exercises and walks in nature are often a good place to start the process. Then start looking through your past, reviewing all the times you have successfully navigated other transitions. Much like the process I shared in Building Triumph from Triumph. 

Gradually, the fear, the panic subside and you can start working through the process.

Determine Your Ability to Control

When change comes into our lives uninvited, one of the biggest things I wrestle with is the lack of control I feel. Over time, I have learned that nothing is completely out of my control. Understanding the Spheres of Control, helps break the situation down so I can see how I can affect some control.

First, take a look at what things in the situation are under your control.

For example, when I was struggling with the fact that I was suddenly a single mother, I found there was plenty I could control. My choices dictated how my money was spent. I could control where we lived. I determined who my son and I befriended.

Next, figure out what you can influence.

I can't control when my son sees his father or how much he sees him; however, I can influence the situation. I can't dictate the terms of our divorce, but I can influence the outcome by advocating for myself and what I feel to be in my son's best interest.

Finally, look at what you can't control or influence. One of the biggest pieces of the equation I couldn't control was my ex-husband. His behaviors and attitudes were completely under his own control. These I had to let go of.

Take It A Step at A Time

Once you know what you can control or influence, start breaking it to a step-by-step course of action. Start with those things that you control and then move on to those things you can influence.

One of the biggest acts of reclaiming my control was to sit down with my son and created a spending plan. Our plan ensured our bills were payed and built in some room for play. We experienced a huge triumph when we saved up and were able to take a weekend trip to the Oregon beach.

Embrace the Change

I know this own is easier said than done, but it is possible. Every change has silver linings, start by looking for them. The ones you notice at first will most likely be small. Just make sure to acknowledge them and keep looking for the good.

When we first moved into our own apartment, I was terrified. I didn't know what would happen next. And I knew that just after leaving is when a victim of domestic violence is at the highest risk. Gradually I began to feel a sense of freedom. When ever I doubted I had made the right choice, I would get in touch with those feelings and bask in that wonderful, hard earned freedom. Now, three years out, I would have to say that becoming a single mother has been one of the best things to happen. Not just for me, but also for my son.


My son is now in the seventh grade. And over the years, these battles have become less intense and fewer in number. He is learning to to trust himself. He's built a track record of successfully navigating change. A few weeks ago, he gleefully shared with me how he's looking forward to going into high school in two years. My son has learned to embrace change.

Releasing Expectations

I don't know about you, but I have a lot of  dreams. Dreams for what type of house in which I will live. A tall skinny house with abstract architecture. Its roof has a one sided slant and its exterior is painted in two tones of grey with black trim. And a red door next to a stone wall. I have hopes for my business and how much money I want it to generate. Treasured thoughts of my son's bright future. I will do everything in my power to make them come true.

And with those dreams comes a host of expectations. Expectations for how hard I will work; how driven I will be; how outgoing. An assumption of what kind of mother I need to be - what kind of performance my son needs to achieve both academically and socially.  

Expectations can be powerful tools to help us create the lives we desire, to making our dreams come true. Without them our efforts would be unfocused. However some expectations will hinder us if we hold on to them.

Helpful or Hindering - What's the Difference?

Sorting through which of our expectations will help us and which ones we need to release. Ask yourself, what's the objective of each of your expectations. Sometimes expectations focus on how we achieve our goals. Others focus on how we assume we or others in our lives will behave and perform. And still others are about what we will achieve?

With an understanding of the purpose of our expectations, we need to look at how much we drive the success of having our expectations met. Examine each expectation. Which of them are within your control? Which can you make happen? Looking at my list, I can control what kind of house I choose to buy. I can hold out until I can afford it. I can wait until its available or have an architect design it for me. I can manage the kind of mother I am. I determine how hard I work, how long and how often.

If you're like me, you'll still have expectations on your list that you can't control. So we'll look for which of the leftovers we can influence. We may not be able to control the final outcome. but our actions can potentially influence the results we end up with. In my list, I may not be able to control how my son turn's out or what grades he earns. But I can influence his life through the environment I create. When it comes to my business, how hard I work, how driven I am, and the quality of work I produce won't guarantee my financial success, but they can swing the vote, so to speak, in my favor.

The final remaining expectations will be ones we can't control and have no ability to influence. For

instance, I can't control or really influence what my son chooses to do with his life. Providing a wide range of life experiences won't allow me to impact his choice, it only provides him with a lot more choice.

In transforming our dreams into reality, we need to spend the largest percentage of our time focusing on those things we can control. Those will give us the biggest bang for our buck. The remaining percentage of our time should be directed towards those expectations we can control. Those that we can't control or influence, we need to free ourselves from and release.

We need to take the advice of a quote I found on Facebook tonight, "I release all that blocks me from believing in my greatness." Those expectations we can't control or influence do just that when we fail to release them.