Power to Create or Destroy

I was recently reminded of the power of our actions. My son's teacher, in an attempt to create a better classroom environment, and set off a chain of reactions she never intended. My son felt targeted. I was deeply concerned that he might be right. And reminded me of how even with the best of intentions, our words can have an unintended impact. It reminded me of why we need to be intentional and impeccable with our words.

Our Power Lost

Humans are the only creation with the power to express and communicate the opinions, ideas and concepts that flow from our thoughts. How you define yourself; how you define others creates your reality. Those definitions motivate our actual words and in turn reinforce our beliefs.

Growing up, I never saw myself as beautiful or graceful. My clumsiness knew no bounds. I can't begin to count the number of times I split my head open falling. I had curly red hair that was looked a mess to me when I looked in the mirror. Brown freckles were speckled across my nose and cheeks. A look most adults in my life found adorable. And one that made me the ridicule of my peers when I first went to school.

My mother tried so hard to comfort me. One night when I was in kindergarten I came to my mom, tears streaming down my freckled cheeks. The freckled cheeks that I had been teased mercilessly about that day on the play ground. As my mom wiped away my tears, I remember her telling, "Freckles are a sign of intelligence."

It seems so small, so long ago. As the little teary eyed girl believed those words, they robbed me of my power. From then on, those early words shaped how I see myself. I pursued knowledge and wisdom with my characteristic drive. My mind grew and I excelled at learning. I definitely see myself as a smart, creative person. Despite all my mom's effort, I still struggle to see my own attractiveness.

Reclaiming Our Power

The first step to reclaiming our lost power is awareness. As we become aware of the the limiting beliefs that shape our lives and hold us back, we start to peel back the layers of the onion. We start seeing how we use our words hurt us.

I recently had a friend text me that she had left the wrong key at home and would be about ten minutes late to meet me. My instinct was to respond, "No worries." or "No problem." But as I thought about it, I saw the implied judgement - the assumption that she needs my approval to take care of her own needs. It's a subtle judgement, and one I've never had an awareness of.

Change the Words

The next step in taking back our power is to start changing the words we use in our thoughts, in our writing, in our conversations.

My new response to my friend who was going to be late was a simple, "I'll see you when you get here." When I find myself struggling to pull on a pair of pants that I think should fit, but don't, I've started reminding myself that I am in the process of changing my eating habits - I'm healing. And healing takes time.

Responsibility without Blame or Guilt

Breaking old behavior patterns is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. And taking responsibility doesn't mean playing the blame game or making yourself feel guilty. Taking responsibility means acknowledging your mistakes, understanding how you got there and using that wisdom to make a course correction.

You're growing right now. As you grow in awareness and learn ways to create the incredible life you want, using your words in an empowering manner will become easier and more natural.

It's All About Me!

Courtesy of betheredothat.hylands.com

     Nose to the grindstone. Plowing through the work, full steam ahead. That is how my week has been. A paragon of productivity and efficiency as I diligently crafted my formal business plan. And by the end of yesterday, my brain felt like an over-stretched rubber band.

     The fact is, we can only go so far in creating our; in working through transition; or even just being our best in day to day life if we don't make taking care of ourselves a regular part of our life. I have to admit, I'm not so good at self care. It is something I'm working on.

     Self care is about more than taking time to relax. We each have a variety of needs - physical, and emotional. Full self care involves meeting our needs in each area.

Our bodies require sleep, food and exercise to function well. How well are you taking care of your body? Do you get enough sleep? Do you have habits that support a good quality of sleep? Are you eating foods that support your health? Are you getting enough exercise? Making sure you have what it takes to sustain your health reduces both physical and emotional stress.

Emotional exhaustion is just as debilitating as physical exhaustion. There are many ways to meet  our emotional needs. Sometimes we need to take time to loose ourselves in a good book. Other times we need to spend quality time with our friends and family. This downtime helps us reset and helps us perform at our best.

Taking care of ourselves requires us to say, "For this moment, it's all about me!"

Embracing Change

I remember when my son was half-way through pre-kindergarten. With tears streaming down his face, he clung to me in fear one night at bedtime. When I asked him what was wrong, he explained he didn't want to go to kindergarten the next school year. He shared that he was afraid he wouldn't be ready. I tried to explain to him that when the time came, he would be ready. He still had a lot of time before then.


My words of comfort and reassurance were met with his explosive was met with his explosive sob, "Nooo, I won't!"

So often, we - like my young son - fight changes we cannot halt. We make our journey more stressful and less enjoyable than it need be. When I have found myself struggling to accept the shifts that are a part of life, I have found the following helpful.

Calm Your Mind

I don't know about you, but when I first encounter a major change, my mind is racing. "How am I going to get through this?" "What am I going to do?" "I like things the way the are! Why does it have to change?" Only a few of the thoughts that can be find tearing up the race course of your mind.

You will have to calm my mind - the sense of panic and impending doom. Deep breathing exercises and walks in nature are often a good place to start the process. Then start looking through your past, reviewing all the times you have successfully navigated other transitions. Much like the process I shared in Building Triumph from Triumph. 

Gradually, the fear, the panic subside and you can start working through the process.

Determine Your Ability to Control

When change comes into our lives uninvited, one of the biggest things I wrestle with is the lack of control I feel. Over time, I have learned that nothing is completely out of my control. Understanding the Spheres of Control, helps break the situation down so I can see how I can affect some control.

First, take a look at what things in the situation are under your control.

For example, when I was struggling with the fact that I was suddenly a single mother, I found there was plenty I could control. My choices dictated how my money was spent. I could control where we lived. I determined who my son and I befriended.

Next, figure out what you can influence.

I can't control when my son sees his father or how much he sees him; however, I can influence the situation. I can't dictate the terms of our divorce, but I can influence the outcome by advocating for myself and what I feel to be in my son's best interest.

Finally, look at what you can't control or influence. One of the biggest pieces of the equation I couldn't control was my ex-husband. His behaviors and attitudes were completely under his own control. These I had to let go of.

Take It A Step at A Time

Once you know what you can control or influence, start breaking it to a step-by-step course of action. Start with those things that you control and then move on to those things you can influence.

One of the biggest acts of reclaiming my control was to sit down with my son and created a spending plan. Our plan ensured our bills were payed and built in some room for play. We experienced a huge triumph when we saved up and were able to take a weekend trip to the Oregon beach.

Embrace the Change

I know this own is easier said than done, but it is possible. Every change has silver linings, start by looking for them. The ones you notice at first will most likely be small. Just make sure to acknowledge them and keep looking for the good.

When we first moved into our own apartment, I was terrified. I didn't know what would happen next. And I knew that just after leaving is when a victim of domestic violence is at the highest risk. Gradually I began to feel a sense of freedom. When ever I doubted I had made the right choice, I would get in touch with those feelings and bask in that wonderful, hard earned freedom. Now, three years out, I would have to say that becoming a single mother has been one of the best things to happen. Not just for me, but also for my son.


My son is now in the seventh grade. And over the years, these battles have become less intense and fewer in number. He is learning to to trust himself. He's built a track record of successfully navigating change. A few weeks ago, he gleefully shared with me how he's looking forward to going into high school in two years. My son has learned to embrace change.

I Am!

     My son frequently amazes me in how much self assuredness he displays. He is well aware of his strengths and easily acknowledges them without arrogance. Just ask him about his cooking, and he will, without any wavering tell you, "I am a good cook." 

     I am. Two of the most powerful words in the English language. Those words define us. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am intelligent. All words that say who we are.

     To often, we use those two words to tear ourselves down. The I'm fat's and the I'm so stupid's fall too easily from our lips. Or reverberate in our minds. And while we may not be at our ideal weight or body shape. And we may not always make the best decisions. Those statements are incomplete statements of who we are. We are more than the measurement of our waist, the number on a scale. We are greater than our last less than perfect decision. 

     Whether said out loud or whispered in the darkest corner of our mind, how we define ourselves sets the tone for what we believe is possible. So, how do we take charge of our self talk?

Affirmations

Affirmations are a powerful tool to help change our perception of ourself. They are positive statements stated in the present tense that describe who you are. They are short and pack a lot of punch and are repeated out loud and silently to yourself through out the day. While it may feel awkward to talk about ourselves like this, over time, we will feel less self conscious about it. And, just like all the negative self talk we repeat to ourselves throughout each day, our minds will start believing the new messages. How we carry ourselves and how we act will begin to change.

Here are some of the ones I am currently using to help me shift my mindset from that of employee to entrepreneur. "I am the author of my own success!" "I am a capable and profitable entrepreneur!" "I am a successful life coach!"

Look at Your Successes

Our past successes have a lot of wisdom to offer us. Unfortunately, we tend to not give them as much attention in our lives as we do our failures. Using tools such as Building Triumphs from Triumphs will help us celebrate and glean the wisdom we truly have within ourselves.

When we start to doubt ourselves, and the negative self talk starts to flow, being able to look back at those successes and understanding how we pulled it off, shifts our focus from what we don't want in our lives to what we want more of in our lives. It puts us in the right frame of mind to create the positive.

When You Mess Up

So what do we do when we mess up? We are human after all. Mistakes are bound to happen. In those moments when we are most likely to beat ourselves up, we have a chance to grow our roots down more deeply. 

Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements: A Toltec Book of Wisdom, states that humans are the only animals who punish themselves for their errors more than once. So start by acknowledging the mistake for what it was - a mistake. Rather than continuing to focus on the should-have's and the could-have's, start looking for lessons learned and what was done well in the situation even though it wasn't the prefered choice. No situation is ever a complete waste of time. There are always treasures and nuggets of jewels tucked in as well.

So, who are you? I know the answer to that, you are an incredible individual with limitless potential! Use your power wisely!

   

The Sky's the Limit . . . Or Is It?

Picture Courtesy of darapoznar.com

     When we were kids, the world was a wondrous place. A bountiful cornucopia of possibilities. Nothing was impossible. There were fairies and princesses and knights in shining armour. Dragons awaited our slaying. And magic was as commonplace as mashed potatoes for dinner.

     Somewhere along the lines our world became tarnished. It was harder to see the knight slaying a fire breathing dragon in the clouds that floated across the deep blue summer sky. We began to doubt ourselves, our potential. We punished ourselves repeatedly for our mistakes.

     Even the way we view each other shifted. Gone was the easy openness of our younger selves. Fear and doubt replaced love. We created systems for judging others and even ourselves.

       And our world shrank in depth and width. The rich colors faded to grayscale. Our potential was now limited. Lucky for us, it doesn't have to stay this way.

Our perceptions are a product of our beliefs about the world, how it functions, and how the creations within it operate. These perceptions then drive our behaviors. They dictate how we treat others. They tell us what we can achieve and determine if we are considered to be good or bad.

In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz tells the story of a human who fell asleep in a cave. And while this person slept, they had an amazing dream that revealed to them them the true nature of mankind. They came to realize that each and everyone of us are made up of the stars; that we are light; and that we each possess the miraculous divine nature of life.

This story shares a deep truth. We possess the limitless potential of creation. We are each stars in our own right. Even the scientists at physicscentral.com agree. Humans are made up of stardust.

Seeing people for the incredible collection of stardust that they are leads us to a deeper value of each other. It pulls out a depth of compassion that we often fail to show ourselves, let alone the panhandler standing on the street corner. It restores our potential.

Rough Sketching Your Plan

Tough Girl by bloody-goodness.deviantart.com

     Breaking down our past triumphs like I shared in Building Triumph from Triumph provides us with great information about what helps us to succeed. It provides a foundation for rough sketching our new plan for success.

     Analyzing more than one of our past triumphs fills out the picture of us in success mode. We see what tends to motivate us as well as how we stay motivated. We find out how we get in our own way; what our strengths are; and what we need to support our success.

    Pulling the information all together, we end up with our starting plan. It could look something like this.

What Motivates Me to To Take Action?

One of the first questions we answer when using the Building Triumphs from Triumphs tool is what motivated us to take action. Look at all the success stories you broke down and identify trends amongst all the different scenarios.

For me, I found I am very motivated by the self-preservation need. My secondary motivation tends to be making things better for my son and me.

How Do I Keep Myself Going?

Working through change and goal achievement doesn't happen overnight. Knowing early on in the process what helps sustain us through the process allows us to factor it into our plan. What were the most common things you've done to support your motivation?

For example, I find it helpful to celebrate the small victories. It isn't just walking across the stage in my cap and gown or finally hearing that my divorce is final that I see as a win. There are smaller triumphs down the path. It's the A earned on a big project. It's creating a budget that meets my needs and puts me in control of my finances.

Another tool I have used are mantras and affirmations. When I was working on my master's degree, I bought a t-shirt with a US Navy Seals's mantra on it. When ever I felt like giving up I would wear that shirt to class to remind myself that, "Failure is not an option!"

What Are My Strengths?

Success is much easier to achieve if we understand what our strengths are;  how we tap into them; and then play off of them. So what are yours, and how can they help you in the situation you're currently facing?

Looking at my own past successes, I my strengths are my determination, focus and drive. However I realize they don't do me much good in a vacuum. I need a plan. Most of the situations I've faced come ready made with a plan or the plan is common sense obvious. Starting a business is neither of those. I will need to author my own plan to succeed.

What Do I Need to Watch Out for So I Don't Get in My Own Way?

Looking at what could have gone better in past situation clues us into how we get in our own way. Using our tool, we can find that information under the "What Could Have Gone Better?" section.

For me there is a shadowside to my focus. I can become so focused that I put blinders on. I don't see potential pitfalls. For example, when I planned what weekend my son and I would move, I was determined to make it happen quickly, I didn't look at a calendar to see what was happening that weekend. The whole move could have been a lot less stressful for my son and me had I done this.

What's My Plan?

Finally what steps do you know you need to take? What resources do you have to help with each step? What resources do you need? How can your strengths help you? Where are the caution points - places you might get in your own way?

I tend to organize information like this in a grid format such as what you see here.

Step	Resources I Have	Resources I Need	Strengths I Can Use	Caution Points

If you are in the process of building a plan, I'd love to hear how it is going for you.

Building Triumph Out of Triumph

     Last week in my post, Watch Your Attitude!, I shared how my son, when faced with something new that was challenging would forget past triumphs as he struggled with the new learning experience. So often, our response to a new challenge, a change we have to work through is similar to his. All we can see is a change we don't like. The difficulties and unknown dominate our vision. We feel defeated and hopeless.

     The truth is we have a wealth of experience to draw from when we step into the unknown. If we pause and take the time to look over the course of our life, we find our past has given us the gift of deep wisdom. No, the challenges of the past aren't exactly like what we are going through at the moment. But if we look objectively, we most likely will find pieces of strength and knowledge that can help guide us through our current situation.

     With all this in our back pocket, why would we want to reinvent the wheel? So how do we tap into the wealth of our past?

Name Your Triumph

    Before you can glean the wisdom of your past, you have to acknowledge where you have succeed. What is the back story of your triumph?

     For me, as I embark on this new phase of my life, I can look back to my own personal triumph of earning by bachelors degree while working full time and parenting a very active preschooler. At this point in my life, I was still married to my son's father. And while that might make it seem like it would simplify things, his rotating work schedule made childcare and support during the times I needed to do homework very challenging.

Identify Your Motivation

     List the details that motivated you to take action in the past. What got you moving? What kept you moving? What is similar between now and then? Are there other motivational emotions that can help you take action?

     Prior to enrolling, my son's father had spent the previous several years with a chronic illness. We didn't know if he would ever get better of if the mystery would end up costing him his life. Many of the potential causes were fatal.

     I remember sitting in my office one afternoon, contemplating what kind of a future my son and I would have should something happen to his father. I realized that while I had a good job at the time, the likelihood of getting hired into a comparable position outside of my of current employer weren't good with the education I had at the time. My desire to be able to take care of myself and my son with or without his father's income was my driving force.

Prepare for Action

     Breakdown what you did to prepare for action. What questions did you need to answer? What resources did you know you needed? What support components did you need?

     When I looked at my situation and realized needed to complete my bachelors degree, I started by making a list of questions I need to answer. Was there a college that would accept all of my credits from my associates degree? What major would support my career best? How long would it take to graduate? Was there a way to go to school and still work during the day? Could I get financial aid? On times when I was in class and my son was in school, who would watch my son? As I answered those questions, a plan started to evolve.

     As I started out on my current adventure, the some of the motivations are similar. I want a better life for my son and I. I want the flexibility to be there for him. I also am driven by my own personal need to pursue something that resonates with what I feel is my own personal calling.

List Your Resources

     Any change, any goal you set out to achieve will require resources. What resources did your past triumph require? What resources did you already have? Do you still have those resources? Can they help you in your current situation? What other resources do you still need?

     When I went back to school, I needed someone who could help me by watching my son while I was in class. His god-mother was more than willing to pitch in. I needed financial aid to be able to pay for school. The financial aid office helped me fill out all of the necessary paperwork.

     Now, the resources I need are different. I need guidance on how to market my business. I need to find places to hold workshops. I have friends who have good connections and are willing to share them with me to support my businesses growth.

Outline Your Action Steps

     What steps did you take to accomplish your goal or work through your challenge? What order did you take them in? What went well? What helped it to go well?  What could have gone better? What would have helped it go better?

     I started with finding a school that matched my needs. Next I figured out how many nights I would be in school. I ask my son's god-mother if she would be able to watch my son when I was in class and his dad was at work. Once she had agreed, I applied to school and filled out the financial aid paperwork. I developed a childcare schedule. I even took the time to explain what was going on to my son. When classes started, I took each class week by week; assignment by assignment. I collaborated with classmates. I kept at it until the day I walked across the stage and was handed my diploma.

     Overall things went very well. I earned good grades. I graduated with honors. While I academically excelled, I could have done a better job in building relationships that would have expanded my personal and professional network. That is a lesson that I can apply to my current situation.

Support Continuous Motivation

     Working through change and achieving goals is not an easy, short road to travel. It takes persistence, determination, and a lot of hard work. Your past experiences will have been no different. What did you do to stay motivated? How did you take care of yourself emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Can you utilize those strategies this time?

     When I was going to school, one of my most useful strategies to stay motivated was to celebrating my successes. I celebrated the smallest of victories. After every report card came out, I would call my mother as I drove to pick up my son and share my success. I also worked my homework schedule so that my family and I could still have time for fun. We took vacations. We had friends over for a Super Bowl party.

     All of these things are strategies I can employ now. The biggest difference is that while earning my degree, the academic structure automatically supplied the benchmarks. As I build my business, I am the one who will have to establish the benchmarks myself.

Look for Additional Lessons

     Scan back through your triumph in your mind. What other lessons did you learn as you worked through the situation? Will any of those lessons help you now?

     Looking through my own past situation, I realize that I am very successful when I have a plan. When things are broken down into clear steps I can take. My long time success depends on my ability to do this for my self, for my business.

Find an Accountability Partner

     Accountability partners offer you an external source of motivation. There are many different individuals who can play this role for you such as teachers, parents, peers and life coaches.

     In college, my professor and teammates were my accountability partners. Going forward I will need to identify someone who can fill that role.

     We each possess a vast wealth of knowledge and wisdom. Those treasures help us succeed in all of our subsequent challenges and triumphs. I have created a tool to help you discover the wisdom of your past triumphs.

Watch Your Attitude!

     "Watch your attitude!"

     I don't know how many times I have said those words to my son in my sturnest mom voice. Usually it's when he has decided he doesn't want to do a particular school project. A project that doesn't stimulate his interest. Or one that makes him use skills that aren't a part of his particular set of strengths.

     It's a conversation that starts with a belligerent, "I can't!"  And even if he doesn't actually do it, you can hear him stamp his foot in defiance. Followed by a"Macy's New Year's Parade" of excuses. "It's too hard! I don't understand! It's too boring! It's stupid!" And then culminates in crocodile tears.

     And ultimately, he's right! He can't. As long as he holds a position of limitations, he absolutely cannot do the project!

     Our attitudes aren't a simple little emotion we feel. They are a learned way of perceiving things in our lives. It impacts how we view others, situations, or things. Or in my son's case his homework. And are made up of three components.

Emotional Component

     The emotional element represents how we feel about whatever our attitude is directed at. In my son's case he is feeling frustration and fear. Frustration at trying to do something over and over that hasn't yet clicked in his brain. Fear that he may never really understand it.

Cognitive Component

     This is comprised of our beliefs and thoughts about the subject that is drawing our response. My son's view of the assignment at hand, is driven by a belief that because that this concept is taking so long to learn that he will never master it. He's mind doesn't remember all the other challenging lessons that his brain conquered.

Behavioral Component

     Our emotions, thoughts and beliefs about the situation ultimately drive our behaviors. For my son, you hear it in his tone of voice. See it in the hand on the hips; the scrunching of the face; and ultimately the tears flowing down his face.

     Changing our attitude is more than changing how we feel about the situation. If we are to change our attitude, we have to take the time to understand what makes up the surge of emotions that are flooding us. We have to stop and identify what beliefs are driving our perspective. Are they true? Are they beliefs we created or did we learn them from others? Do they help us or are they holding us back? And if they aren't true, we have to determine what is the truth.

     With my son, we talk about feelings and about his view of reality. We look at all the challenges he's conquered. We discuss how he isn't the only one to have to tackle something he doesn't want to do. We examine the benefits of doing the assignment. In the end, we finish the assignment, and if I am lucky he learns more than just the academic lesson. He learns that he can!