Actions Speak Louder than Words

The seasons of my life seem scripted around themes chosen by powers outside myself. I've had stretches focused on personal empowerment, taking a stand, and compassion to name a few. Currently the theme of my life is gratitude. Deep, soul shattering gratitude that alters my behavior.

It started with a Facebook gratitude challenge. That eventually lead to my Living to Thrive group making and starting to fill a gratitude jar. Speak Out Sunday at Ainsworth United Church of Christ sparked thankfulness for my journey and my story. Shopping for Christmas gifts turned from a tradition I felt compelled to support to a heartfelt expression of gratitude for those people I love. Wrapping each gift gave me time to reflect on how my life was better because of the person for whom I was wrapping the gift.

Finally yesterday while handing out dog supplies to homeless pet owners today with the PAW Team (Portland Animal Welfare Team) I met an incredible man who was living on the streets. He was wearing multiple layers of clothes, that as he pointed out didn't match. All topped with a fur coat of which he was quite proud. What struck me most about our encounter was how grateful he was for what he had and how he seemed to be able to maintain his joy and sense of humor.

That encounter made me look at my own life. There are so many things in my life I never thought to be grateful for. Things I've just taken for granted. I don't have to worry about waking up in the morning and being rousted out of what little shelter I've made for myself. I know my son and I will have food to eat. And I thought about how little it can take for me, with all my privilege, to give up my joy.

This holiday season, I have repeatedly experienced how gratitude is more than just saying thank you and more than warm fuzzy feelings. It starts on the inside and should be reflected in our actions year round. I figure now is as good time to start as any. I would rather start now than forget about it later in hecticness chaos of life.

So here's my action plan for weaving gratitude into every fiber of my life.

Be Intentional with My Words

I don't always think about the implications my words have when I let them slip out of my mouth unchecked. How many times, when asked how my day is going, have I responded with something like, "It could be better." or "I'll sure be glad when it's Friday." True some days are worse than others, but no matter how challenging my life is there is always someone out there who is having it worse. I want to challenge myself to answer questions about how my day is, how I am and what I post as my status on Facebook to be a testament of gratitude.

Move Beyond Words to Actions

I'm a firm believer that my actions are an enactment of the attitudes at the core of my being. Giving back to the community; offering a helping had to those less fortunate than I; or taking concrete actions to create a better world are ways I can show my overall gratitude for the countless blessings I so easily take for granted.

Inspire Others

Gratitude can be contagious. I'm inviting my friends and family to join me in turning their focus from what they don't have to what they do have and expressing gratitude. I'm asking them to join me as I start walking my talk.

I'd love to hear how you show your gratitude.

Coming to Your Own Rescue

When I was a little girl, I ready stories like Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty, damsels in distress who were rescued when a knight in shining armor came rushing in to rescue them. As I entered my adult life, I found the concepts of those stories influencing my decisions. They set the tone for how I handled situations that caused me suffering.

I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for twenty years waiting for a force outside myself to change my reality. I watched it deteriorate from just emotional abuse to including physical abuse while I pined away for my knight to come riding in on a white stallion to rescue me.

At some point in that relationship, something shifted for me and I moved from victim waiting for rescue to an empowered woman who claimed her own victory.

A few weeks ago a friend and I, who have both experienced those shifts, were exploring those transitions. Both of us have seen ourselves make the shift, but as we were discussing it, we weren't sure what triggered that transition.

In the days since she and I talked, I have spent a good deal of time thinking about my own experience, trying to understand the process. And while I know the list isn't exhaustive, I thought I'd share it with you and hope you might share what you've found helpful in your own journeys to a state of triumph.

Stand in My Truth

Before I could even contemplate coming to my own rescue, I first had to be honest with myself about how I felt and what I wanted. I had to own it.

I remember a few years before I left my abusive relationship, how the thought, "I want a divorce," would pop into my head. And I would quickly squelch it. It wasn't until I owned those feelings, that I could start to shift into seeking a better life.

Willing to Risk

I have a large mural hanging in my living room. It shows a rickety bridge – aged wooden slats held together by worn rope; a rope railing along each of the sides with holes big enough that if the bridge tipped, you could fall through. The fog is so thick you can’t even see what is below and there appears to be no end to the bridge. As you reach the middle of the bridge, however, you can start to see the outline of a mighty oak tree flourishing on the other side.

For me, this picture is representative of my journey. The dangerous, miserable situation I called home, felt comfortable. Taking action called me to move from status quo to an uncertain, unknown future. The path I would have to follow was rickety. It swayed and tipped and it wouldn't have taken much for me to lose my balance. Before I could continue, before I could start to see the possibilities that lay before me, I had to get to a place where I was willing to take the risk.

Watching the patterns of abuse increase in frequency and intensity prompted me to take my first step on to that wobbly bridge. Having my son beg me to take him anywhere so he could escape the stressful environment of our home when his father was home drove me to take several more steps. And finally, when my son told me he had confided in the school counselor, I found myself figuring out how I would get the two of us to the other side of the bridge.

See the Bigger Picture

There were many points in this process, I considered going back. This change was so big and so unnerving, it would have been convenient to give up. Connecting my actions to a the bigger picture reinforced my decision and helped keep me putting one foot in front of the other. 

I my situation, I didn't want to jeopardize my son's well being. I didn't want harm coming to him. And on top of those concerns, I started to notice significant, positive changes in him. Before we had left, he had major nightmares almost every night. It wasn't too long after we had moved out, his nightmares had all but ceased. By the end of our first year on our own, his confidence had grown and his fears had diminished. I didn't want to risk undoing these gains.

It has been almost four years since I started this journey. And while it has been challenging. I'm so glad I chose to cross that bridge in my life and move into a space where my son and I could thrive.

Giving Tuesday!

Early this morning my dog, Lila, and I headed out for our usual walk. For her it was an exciting adventure. For me it was an exercise in how many layers could I possibly put on before heading out. And while I have a warm house to go home to after our walk in the 24 degree weather, there are too many people and their beloved pets who don't. Sadder still is the fact that the most recent homeless survey shows 10% of the homeless in my community have children under 18. These thoughts were in my head as I logged into my Facebook account and was reminded that, at least here in the United States, it is Giving Tuesday. I chose to express my gratitude by donating where my son and I regularly volunteer, the Portland Animal Welfare Team (PAW Team).  At PAW Team, 60% of their clients are families. Pets are so vital to those who have lost everything else. They rely on donations such as mine and yours to keep families together during the most difficult times of their lives.  Your donation of $35 provides one homeless family's cherished pet with up to $300 in goods and services, including vaccines, veterinarian exam, and pet supplies. Join the PAW Team and donate here!

If you are under 36, a donation of $50 or more saves your seat on the Pabst PAW Team Party Bus!  Be sure to check the under 36 box at the bottom of the check out page.

Ask! You Might Get A Yes!

Recently at a church social, I was conversing with a woman about Speak Out Sunday. In the course of the discussion, we began discussion about my business and how I want to use my skills to help others who are rebuilding their lives after leaving domestic violence. I shared how I was looking to partner with other professionals such as therapists to share referrals. Come to find out, she was a therapist. She actually works with many women who could use my services at some point in their process and was very open to referring them to me. 

As I excitedly relayed the incident to a friend, it dawned on me, when I actually ask, I often receive what I have requested. That realization made me ponder what is different.

Emotional Drive

While there are many things I have wanted that don't materialize. And while I really wanted them, my emotional drive didn't outweigh my fear, the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that holds me back. When I have a strong emotional drive, I can move past the fear and several other things start to happen.

Vision

Those times when I have seen things happen like magic, I find I can usually see the results. Even if what I am looking for is more abstract, there is an image that symbolizes the results. For example, when I was wanted an option that allowed me to work full time on my business while providing me with a measure of financial security. Not exactly a desire that is easy to visualize. Yet the image on the card of the Faery Stallion represented triumphantly charging ahead to victory without anyone or anything standing in my way. I could picture that card with my eyes closed. Every time I told myself what I wanted, the image of the card popped into my head.

Clarity

Receiving my desires, requires me to be clear about what I actually want to ask for. When talking to the therapist in my church, I new exactly what I wanted. I wanted to create a referral partnership.

Make the Ask

All the other steps above will do me no good if I don't actually make the ask. I can't hope that others will read my mind or even guess what I want. I actually have to open my mouth and ask.

I know it sounds so simple and magical. But I've been astounded many times at the results I get when I know what I want and ask for it.

Strength

This week as I prepared to speak at the Speak Out Sunday event at Ainsworth United Church of Christ, I realized how much strength the darkest experiences of my life have given me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying fate sent those experiences on purpose. I just believe that even the most undeserved, negative situations can give rise to something positive. 

Kahil Gibran said, "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." When we are in the middle of our struggles, we can't see how we are growing, learning and gaining strength. 

For me becoming strong wasn't about being stoic, further burying my heart, my emotions, my passions. It has been about learning to stand tall while feeling all of my emotions. It is risking my heart and  trusting myself.

Looking back gives me a chance to see that growth within myself. Gives me an opportunity reinforce my confidence and prepare for the adventure I choose next.

Oops, I Meant to Go Left: Four Steps for Course Correction

Earlier this week, I was driving a group of volunteers for  an outreach event on behalf of the Portland Animal Welfare Team (PAW Team). This organization provides basic veterinary care to the pets of the homeless and those living in extreme poverty so that people and their animal companions can remain together during life's most difficult situations.

We had headed into downtown Portland, Oregon loaded up with pet food, leashes, and blankets to hand out to homeless pet owners. Like many city centers, with its alternating one way streets and bus only lanes, downtown can be confusing. To make things worse, I wasn't familiar with where our first stop was located.

One of the volunteers was acting as my navigator, reading out the directions as I tried to find street signs in time to make the correct turns. Just as she told me to turn left on Irving, I realized I had driven too far to make the turn. The street I was on was nice and wide. And not wanting to try to find the next street that was headed the direction I needed to go, I looked to see how much on coming traffic was headed my way. See all was clear, I made a quick u-turn and got us back on track.

Often during periods of change, we find ourselves trying to navigate unfamiliar territory. Sometimes we miss our turn. Other times we turn right when we needed to turn left. Regardless of how we get off track, we need to make that quick "U-ie" to get ourselves headed the direction we want to go.

So, how do you course correct when your not sure where you are?

Acknowledge the Wrong Turn

The first step is to acknowledge you are off course. Pretending we never made the wrong turn won't help us get back on track. In fact, it keeps us headed in the wrong direction. Without guilt, judgement and berating yourself, recognize, "Oops, I meant to go left."

Whatever the situation, whatever the mistake, taking the time to realize when you're off track puts you back in control of where you are headed.

Examine Your Hidden Intent

Sometimes when we take a wrong turn, there is a subconscious motivation behind it. Understanding it will allow you to minimize the chance of a repeat of the same mistake.

For me, one area I often have "wrong turns" around is my attendance at networking events. In large groups of people I don't know, I often find myself feeling awkward and uncomfortable. My tongue gets tied in so many knots I struggle to connect and communicate coherently. I find ways to sabotage myself. Understanding this has helped me realize what actions I need to take to be able to be successful in this important activity.

Map out Your Course Correction

Have you ever missed a turn when you're using a GPS navigator?

That electronic voice suddenly comes on saying, "Rerouting." And then you wait for the new directions. Well, now it is your turn. You are the navigator. Map out your correction into a step-by-step plan.

When it comes to my attendance at networking events, my challenges were a symptom of the real issues. I had to start by dealing with the why behind my attendance challenges. I started by practicing my elevator speech in settings where I felt safe - with friends, in the hair stylist's chair. As I became more comfortable with that, I branched out. I also took time to work with a professional consultant to help me feel more confident in speaking from my heart.

Make the U-turn

Once you have the plan to get back on track, it's time to start taking action. Start working each step of your "rerouted" plan.

I had to do all the work I outlined in my plan. This past week, I went to a networking event. I put into practice the lessons I learned within my comfort zone. I was amazed at the results. I was back on track!

Face Value

Sometimes I think my cat, Seamus, came into my life to be my teacher. I know it sounds crazy, but I have found to such wisdom in examining our interactions and watching his behavior. This week Seamus held class yet once again.

A while back I shared in my post, Seamus - Professor of Patience, the long journey of building a our relationship. And while we are close and share a ritual of bonding each night before I fall asleep, each day with Seamus is different. Some days, I don't see him all day. He retreats to one of the bedrooms and plays the hermit. Other days, he will sit at my side while I work at my desk and occasionally push his nose against my hand to tell me he wants me to stop typing and live him love. At night he will occasionally stretch out on my chest and knead my night clothes. A lot of nights, he sits primly on my chest with a posture that stretches him tall and issues a royal indict commanding me to lovingly stroke his fur.

 I'm never sure what version of Seamus I am going to get. And truthfully, as I realized the other night when the regal Seamus was perched on me, it doesn't matter. If I worry about his motivations . . . if I stress about why he doesn't want to spend time with me, I would be able to enjoy spending time with him as much as I do.

And that's when it hit me! I don't extend that courtesy to the human beings in my life. I fuss at their intentions. Make assumptions about them, usually the worst case assumptions. And then I take that assumed intention personally, growing irritated and offended.

So what would it take for me to take for me to take people at face value - to accept them where they are in that moment. No judgement, no feeling hurt or let down. Just a plain, simple, "OK, this is where you are right now. It doesn't change how I perceive you." It reminded me of two of the concepts shared in the book The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Don't Take Things Personally

Fate isn't out to us. And, more often than not, how another person interacts with us has nothing to do with us. Their reactions are based on their life at that moment; the way they look at their world and the beliefs from which they operate.

When Seamus doesn't want to interact in his most affection manner, It doesn't have anything to do with me. Most of the time, when he is in that mood, I haven't seen much of him that day. His mood could be based on how the change in weather is affecting his joints. Or perhaps Rudy, my other cat, or Lila, my dog, have played too aggressively and now Seamus is over-stimulated.

The fact is I don't know what motivates the swing in Seamus' mood. And I absolutely don't know what is going on in an other human's life that drives their behaviors. Many of these people I don't see every day or even every week. Even those I see every day, I don't spend twenty-four hours a day with them. I don't know everything that is going on with them. So, tell me, how is taking their reactions to me personally rational?

Don't Make Assumptions

Everyday we make assumptions about events, people, and the world. Too often we take those assumptions and run with them as if they were proven facts. We respond to people assuming the worst of intent from them.

I could assume on those days when Seamus would rather hide behind my bed that curl up on my lap while I relax on the couch that he is relapsing into who he was when he first moved in with us. Or I could assume he hates me. Everyday we make those assumptions about the people in our lives.

These assumptions drive our behaviors and give rise to misunderstandings. And in the end lead us to further take things personally, creating a viscous cycle.


So perhaps, it would be a good idea to take our friends, our families and all the people in our lives at face value. Perhaps if we did, our relationships would be very different in a very positive way.

Power to Create or Destroy

I was recently reminded of the power of our actions. My son's teacher, in an attempt to create a better classroom environment, and set off a chain of reactions she never intended. My son felt targeted. I was deeply concerned that he might be right. And reminded me of how even with the best of intentions, our words can have an unintended impact. It reminded me of why we need to be intentional and impeccable with our words.

Our Power Lost

Humans are the only creation with the power to express and communicate the opinions, ideas and concepts that flow from our thoughts. How you define yourself; how you define others creates your reality. Those definitions motivate our actual words and in turn reinforce our beliefs.

Growing up, I never saw myself as beautiful or graceful. My clumsiness knew no bounds. I can't begin to count the number of times I split my head open falling. I had curly red hair that was looked a mess to me when I looked in the mirror. Brown freckles were speckled across my nose and cheeks. A look most adults in my life found adorable. And one that made me the ridicule of my peers when I first went to school.

My mother tried so hard to comfort me. One night when I was in kindergarten I came to my mom, tears streaming down my freckled cheeks. The freckled cheeks that I had been teased mercilessly about that day on the play ground. As my mom wiped away my tears, I remember her telling, "Freckles are a sign of intelligence."

It seems so small, so long ago. As the little teary eyed girl believed those words, they robbed me of my power. From then on, those early words shaped how I see myself. I pursued knowledge and wisdom with my characteristic drive. My mind grew and I excelled at learning. I definitely see myself as a smart, creative person. Despite all my mom's effort, I still struggle to see my own attractiveness.

Reclaiming Our Power

The first step to reclaiming our lost power is awareness. As we become aware of the the limiting beliefs that shape our lives and hold us back, we start to peel back the layers of the onion. We start seeing how we use our words hurt us.

I recently had a friend text me that she had left the wrong key at home and would be about ten minutes late to meet me. My instinct was to respond, "No worries." or "No problem." But as I thought about it, I saw the implied judgement - the assumption that she needs my approval to take care of her own needs. It's a subtle judgement, and one I've never had an awareness of.

Change the Words

The next step in taking back our power is to start changing the words we use in our thoughts, in our writing, in our conversations.

My new response to my friend who was going to be late was a simple, "I'll see you when you get here." When I find myself struggling to pull on a pair of pants that I think should fit, but don't, I've started reminding myself that I am in the process of changing my eating habits - I'm healing. And healing takes time.

Responsibility without Blame or Guilt

Breaking old behavior patterns is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. And taking responsibility doesn't mean playing the blame game or making yourself feel guilty. Taking responsibility means acknowledging your mistakes, understanding how you got there and using that wisdom to make a course correction.

You're growing right now. As you grow in awareness and learn ways to create the incredible life you want, using your words in an empowering manner will become easier and more natural.

It's All About Me!

Courtesy of betheredothat.hylands.com

     Nose to the grindstone. Plowing through the work, full steam ahead. That is how my week has been. A paragon of productivity and efficiency as I diligently crafted my formal business plan. And by the end of yesterday, my brain felt like an over-stretched rubber band.

     The fact is, we can only go so far in creating our; in working through transition; or even just being our best in day to day life if we don't make taking care of ourselves a regular part of our life. I have to admit, I'm not so good at self care. It is something I'm working on.

     Self care is about more than taking time to relax. We each have a variety of needs - physical, and emotional. Full self care involves meeting our needs in each area.

Our bodies require sleep, food and exercise to function well. How well are you taking care of your body? Do you get enough sleep? Do you have habits that support a good quality of sleep? Are you eating foods that support your health? Are you getting enough exercise? Making sure you have what it takes to sustain your health reduces both physical and emotional stress.

Emotional exhaustion is just as debilitating as physical exhaustion. There are many ways to meet  our emotional needs. Sometimes we need to take time to loose ourselves in a good book. Other times we need to spend quality time with our friends and family. This downtime helps us reset and helps us perform at our best.

Taking care of ourselves requires us to say, "For this moment, it's all about me!"

Embracing Change

I remember when my son was half-way through pre-kindergarten. With tears streaming down his face, he clung to me in fear one night at bedtime. When I asked him what was wrong, he explained he didn't want to go to kindergarten the next school year. He shared that he was afraid he wouldn't be ready. I tried to explain to him that when the time came, he would be ready. He still had a lot of time before then.


My words of comfort and reassurance were met with his explosive was met with his explosive sob, "Nooo, I won't!"

So often, we - like my young son - fight changes we cannot halt. We make our journey more stressful and less enjoyable than it need be. When I have found myself struggling to accept the shifts that are a part of life, I have found the following helpful.

Calm Your Mind

I don't know about you, but when I first encounter a major change, my mind is racing. "How am I going to get through this?" "What am I going to do?" "I like things the way the are! Why does it have to change?" Only a few of the thoughts that can be find tearing up the race course of your mind.

You will have to calm my mind - the sense of panic and impending doom. Deep breathing exercises and walks in nature are often a good place to start the process. Then start looking through your past, reviewing all the times you have successfully navigated other transitions. Much like the process I shared in Building Triumph from Triumph. 

Gradually, the fear, the panic subside and you can start working through the process.

Determine Your Ability to Control

When change comes into our lives uninvited, one of the biggest things I wrestle with is the lack of control I feel. Over time, I have learned that nothing is completely out of my control. Understanding the Spheres of Control, helps break the situation down so I can see how I can affect some control.

First, take a look at what things in the situation are under your control.

For example, when I was struggling with the fact that I was suddenly a single mother, I found there was plenty I could control. My choices dictated how my money was spent. I could control where we lived. I determined who my son and I befriended.

Next, figure out what you can influence.

I can't control when my son sees his father or how much he sees him; however, I can influence the situation. I can't dictate the terms of our divorce, but I can influence the outcome by advocating for myself and what I feel to be in my son's best interest.

Finally, look at what you can't control or influence. One of the biggest pieces of the equation I couldn't control was my ex-husband. His behaviors and attitudes were completely under his own control. These I had to let go of.

Take It A Step at A Time

Once you know what you can control or influence, start breaking it to a step-by-step course of action. Start with those things that you control and then move on to those things you can influence.

One of the biggest acts of reclaiming my control was to sit down with my son and created a spending plan. Our plan ensured our bills were payed and built in some room for play. We experienced a huge triumph when we saved up and were able to take a weekend trip to the Oregon beach.

Embrace the Change

I know this own is easier said than done, but it is possible. Every change has silver linings, start by looking for them. The ones you notice at first will most likely be small. Just make sure to acknowledge them and keep looking for the good.

When we first moved into our own apartment, I was terrified. I didn't know what would happen next. And I knew that just after leaving is when a victim of domestic violence is at the highest risk. Gradually I began to feel a sense of freedom. When ever I doubted I had made the right choice, I would get in touch with those feelings and bask in that wonderful, hard earned freedom. Now, three years out, I would have to say that becoming a single mother has been one of the best things to happen. Not just for me, but also for my son.


My son is now in the seventh grade. And over the years, these battles have become less intense and fewer in number. He is learning to to trust himself. He's built a track record of successfully navigating change. A few weeks ago, he gleefully shared with me how he's looking forward to going into high school in two years. My son has learned to embrace change.

I Am!

     My son frequently amazes me in how much self assuredness he displays. He is well aware of his strengths and easily acknowledges them without arrogance. Just ask him about his cooking, and he will, without any wavering tell you, "I am a good cook." 

     I am. Two of the most powerful words in the English language. Those words define us. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am intelligent. All words that say who we are.

     To often, we use those two words to tear ourselves down. The I'm fat's and the I'm so stupid's fall too easily from our lips. Or reverberate in our minds. And while we may not be at our ideal weight or body shape. And we may not always make the best decisions. Those statements are incomplete statements of who we are. We are more than the measurement of our waist, the number on a scale. We are greater than our last less than perfect decision. 

     Whether said out loud or whispered in the darkest corner of our mind, how we define ourselves sets the tone for what we believe is possible. So, how do we take charge of our self talk?

Affirmations

Affirmations are a powerful tool to help change our perception of ourself. They are positive statements stated in the present tense that describe who you are. They are short and pack a lot of punch and are repeated out loud and silently to yourself through out the day. While it may feel awkward to talk about ourselves like this, over time, we will feel less self conscious about it. And, just like all the negative self talk we repeat to ourselves throughout each day, our minds will start believing the new messages. How we carry ourselves and how we act will begin to change.

Here are some of the ones I am currently using to help me shift my mindset from that of employee to entrepreneur. "I am the author of my own success!" "I am a capable and profitable entrepreneur!" "I am a successful life coach!"

Look at Your Successes

Our past successes have a lot of wisdom to offer us. Unfortunately, we tend to not give them as much attention in our lives as we do our failures. Using tools such as Building Triumphs from Triumphs will help us celebrate and glean the wisdom we truly have within ourselves.

When we start to doubt ourselves, and the negative self talk starts to flow, being able to look back at those successes and understanding how we pulled it off, shifts our focus from what we don't want in our lives to what we want more of in our lives. It puts us in the right frame of mind to create the positive.

When You Mess Up

So what do we do when we mess up? We are human after all. Mistakes are bound to happen. In those moments when we are most likely to beat ourselves up, we have a chance to grow our roots down more deeply. 

Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements: A Toltec Book of Wisdom, states that humans are the only animals who punish themselves for their errors more than once. So start by acknowledging the mistake for what it was - a mistake. Rather than continuing to focus on the should-have's and the could-have's, start looking for lessons learned and what was done well in the situation even though it wasn't the prefered choice. No situation is ever a complete waste of time. There are always treasures and nuggets of jewels tucked in as well.

So, who are you? I know the answer to that, you are an incredible individual with limitless potential! Use your power wisely!

   

The Sky's the Limit . . . Or Is It?

Picture Courtesy of darapoznar.com

     When we were kids, the world was a wondrous place. A bountiful cornucopia of possibilities. Nothing was impossible. There were fairies and princesses and knights in shining armour. Dragons awaited our slaying. And magic was as commonplace as mashed potatoes for dinner.

     Somewhere along the lines our world became tarnished. It was harder to see the knight slaying a fire breathing dragon in the clouds that floated across the deep blue summer sky. We began to doubt ourselves, our potential. We punished ourselves repeatedly for our mistakes.

     Even the way we view each other shifted. Gone was the easy openness of our younger selves. Fear and doubt replaced love. We created systems for judging others and even ourselves.

       And our world shrank in depth and width. The rich colors faded to grayscale. Our potential was now limited. Lucky for us, it doesn't have to stay this way.

Our perceptions are a product of our beliefs about the world, how it functions, and how the creations within it operate. These perceptions then drive our behaviors. They dictate how we treat others. They tell us what we can achieve and determine if we are considered to be good or bad.

In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz tells the story of a human who fell asleep in a cave. And while this person slept, they had an amazing dream that revealed to them them the true nature of mankind. They came to realize that each and everyone of us are made up of the stars; that we are light; and that we each possess the miraculous divine nature of life.

This story shares a deep truth. We possess the limitless potential of creation. We are each stars in our own right. Even the scientists at physicscentral.com agree. Humans are made up of stardust.

Seeing people for the incredible collection of stardust that they are leads us to a deeper value of each other. It pulls out a depth of compassion that we often fail to show ourselves, let alone the panhandler standing on the street corner. It restores our potential.

Rough Sketching Your Plan

Tough Girl by bloody-goodness.deviantart.com

     Breaking down our past triumphs like I shared in Building Triumph from Triumph provides us with great information about what helps us to succeed. It provides a foundation for rough sketching our new plan for success.

     Analyzing more than one of our past triumphs fills out the picture of us in success mode. We see what tends to motivate us as well as how we stay motivated. We find out how we get in our own way; what our strengths are; and what we need to support our success.

    Pulling the information all together, we end up with our starting plan. It could look something like this.

What Motivates Me to To Take Action?

One of the first questions we answer when using the Building Triumphs from Triumphs tool is what motivated us to take action. Look at all the success stories you broke down and identify trends amongst all the different scenarios.

For me, I found I am very motivated by the self-preservation need. My secondary motivation tends to be making things better for my son and me.

How Do I Keep Myself Going?

Working through change and goal achievement doesn't happen overnight. Knowing early on in the process what helps sustain us through the process allows us to factor it into our plan. What were the most common things you've done to support your motivation?

For example, I find it helpful to celebrate the small victories. It isn't just walking across the stage in my cap and gown or finally hearing that my divorce is final that I see as a win. There are smaller triumphs down the path. It's the A earned on a big project. It's creating a budget that meets my needs and puts me in control of my finances.

Another tool I have used are mantras and affirmations. When I was working on my master's degree, I bought a t-shirt with a US Navy Seals's mantra on it. When ever I felt like giving up I would wear that shirt to class to remind myself that, "Failure is not an option!"

What Are My Strengths?

Success is much easier to achieve if we understand what our strengths are;  how we tap into them; and then play off of them. So what are yours, and how can they help you in the situation you're currently facing?

Looking at my own past successes, I my strengths are my determination, focus and drive. However I realize they don't do me much good in a vacuum. I need a plan. Most of the situations I've faced come ready made with a plan or the plan is common sense obvious. Starting a business is neither of those. I will need to author my own plan to succeed.

What Do I Need to Watch Out for So I Don't Get in My Own Way?

Looking at what could have gone better in past situation clues us into how we get in our own way. Using our tool, we can find that information under the "What Could Have Gone Better?" section.

For me there is a shadowside to my focus. I can become so focused that I put blinders on. I don't see potential pitfalls. For example, when I planned what weekend my son and I would move, I was determined to make it happen quickly, I didn't look at a calendar to see what was happening that weekend. The whole move could have been a lot less stressful for my son and me had I done this.

What's My Plan?

Finally what steps do you know you need to take? What resources do you have to help with each step? What resources do you need? How can your strengths help you? Where are the caution points - places you might get in your own way?

I tend to organize information like this in a grid format such as what you see here.

Step	Resources I Have	Resources I Need	Strengths I Can Use	Caution Points

If you are in the process of building a plan, I'd love to hear how it is going for you.

Building Triumph Out of Triumph

     Last week in my post, Watch Your Attitude!, I shared how my son, when faced with something new that was challenging would forget past triumphs as he struggled with the new learning experience. So often, our response to a new challenge, a change we have to work through is similar to his. All we can see is a change we don't like. The difficulties and unknown dominate our vision. We feel defeated and hopeless.

     The truth is we have a wealth of experience to draw from when we step into the unknown. If we pause and take the time to look over the course of our life, we find our past has given us the gift of deep wisdom. No, the challenges of the past aren't exactly like what we are going through at the moment. But if we look objectively, we most likely will find pieces of strength and knowledge that can help guide us through our current situation.

     With all this in our back pocket, why would we want to reinvent the wheel? So how do we tap into the wealth of our past?

Name Your Triumph

    Before you can glean the wisdom of your past, you have to acknowledge where you have succeed. What is the back story of your triumph?

     For me, as I embark on this new phase of my life, I can look back to my own personal triumph of earning by bachelors degree while working full time and parenting a very active preschooler. At this point in my life, I was still married to my son's father. And while that might make it seem like it would simplify things, his rotating work schedule made childcare and support during the times I needed to do homework very challenging.

Identify Your Motivation

     List the details that motivated you to take action in the past. What got you moving? What kept you moving? What is similar between now and then? Are there other motivational emotions that can help you take action?

     Prior to enrolling, my son's father had spent the previous several years with a chronic illness. We didn't know if he would ever get better of if the mystery would end up costing him his life. Many of the potential causes were fatal.

     I remember sitting in my office one afternoon, contemplating what kind of a future my son and I would have should something happen to his father. I realized that while I had a good job at the time, the likelihood of getting hired into a comparable position outside of my of current employer weren't good with the education I had at the time. My desire to be able to take care of myself and my son with or without his father's income was my driving force.

Prepare for Action

     Breakdown what you did to prepare for action. What questions did you need to answer? What resources did you know you needed? What support components did you need?

     When I looked at my situation and realized needed to complete my bachelors degree, I started by making a list of questions I need to answer. Was there a college that would accept all of my credits from my associates degree? What major would support my career best? How long would it take to graduate? Was there a way to go to school and still work during the day? Could I get financial aid? On times when I was in class and my son was in school, who would watch my son? As I answered those questions, a plan started to evolve.

     As I started out on my current adventure, the some of the motivations are similar. I want a better life for my son and I. I want the flexibility to be there for him. I also am driven by my own personal need to pursue something that resonates with what I feel is my own personal calling.

List Your Resources

     Any change, any goal you set out to achieve will require resources. What resources did your past triumph require? What resources did you already have? Do you still have those resources? Can they help you in your current situation? What other resources do you still need?

     When I went back to school, I needed someone who could help me by watching my son while I was in class. His god-mother was more than willing to pitch in. I needed financial aid to be able to pay for school. The financial aid office helped me fill out all of the necessary paperwork.

     Now, the resources I need are different. I need guidance on how to market my business. I need to find places to hold workshops. I have friends who have good connections and are willing to share them with me to support my businesses growth.

Outline Your Action Steps

     What steps did you take to accomplish your goal or work through your challenge? What order did you take them in? What went well? What helped it to go well?  What could have gone better? What would have helped it go better?

     I started with finding a school that matched my needs. Next I figured out how many nights I would be in school. I ask my son's god-mother if she would be able to watch my son when I was in class and his dad was at work. Once she had agreed, I applied to school and filled out the financial aid paperwork. I developed a childcare schedule. I even took the time to explain what was going on to my son. When classes started, I took each class week by week; assignment by assignment. I collaborated with classmates. I kept at it until the day I walked across the stage and was handed my diploma.

     Overall things went very well. I earned good grades. I graduated with honors. While I academically excelled, I could have done a better job in building relationships that would have expanded my personal and professional network. That is a lesson that I can apply to my current situation.

Support Continuous Motivation

     Working through change and achieving goals is not an easy, short road to travel. It takes persistence, determination, and a lot of hard work. Your past experiences will have been no different. What did you do to stay motivated? How did you take care of yourself emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Can you utilize those strategies this time?

     When I was going to school, one of my most useful strategies to stay motivated was to celebrating my successes. I celebrated the smallest of victories. After every report card came out, I would call my mother as I drove to pick up my son and share my success. I also worked my homework schedule so that my family and I could still have time for fun. We took vacations. We had friends over for a Super Bowl party.

     All of these things are strategies I can employ now. The biggest difference is that while earning my degree, the academic structure automatically supplied the benchmarks. As I build my business, I am the one who will have to establish the benchmarks myself.

Look for Additional Lessons

     Scan back through your triumph in your mind. What other lessons did you learn as you worked through the situation? Will any of those lessons help you now?

     Looking through my own past situation, I realize that I am very successful when I have a plan. When things are broken down into clear steps I can take. My long time success depends on my ability to do this for my self, for my business.

Find an Accountability Partner

     Accountability partners offer you an external source of motivation. There are many different individuals who can play this role for you such as teachers, parents, peers and life coaches.

     In college, my professor and teammates were my accountability partners. Going forward I will need to identify someone who can fill that role.

     We each possess a vast wealth of knowledge and wisdom. Those treasures help us succeed in all of our subsequent challenges and triumphs. I have created a tool to help you discover the wisdom of your past triumphs.

Watch Your Attitude!

     "Watch your attitude!"

     I don't know how many times I have said those words to my son in my sturnest mom voice. Usually it's when he has decided he doesn't want to do a particular school project. A project that doesn't stimulate his interest. Or one that makes him use skills that aren't a part of his particular set of strengths.

     It's a conversation that starts with a belligerent, "I can't!"  And even if he doesn't actually do it, you can hear him stamp his foot in defiance. Followed by a"Macy's New Year's Parade" of excuses. "It's too hard! I don't understand! It's too boring! It's stupid!" And then culminates in crocodile tears.

     And ultimately, he's right! He can't. As long as he holds a position of limitations, he absolutely cannot do the project!

     Our attitudes aren't a simple little emotion we feel. They are a learned way of perceiving things in our lives. It impacts how we view others, situations, or things. Or in my son's case his homework. And are made up of three components.

Emotional Component

     The emotional element represents how we feel about whatever our attitude is directed at. In my son's case he is feeling frustration and fear. Frustration at trying to do something over and over that hasn't yet clicked in his brain. Fear that he may never really understand it.

Cognitive Component

     This is comprised of our beliefs and thoughts about the subject that is drawing our response. My son's view of the assignment at hand, is driven by a belief that because that this concept is taking so long to learn that he will never master it. He's mind doesn't remember all the other challenging lessons that his brain conquered.

Behavioral Component

     Our emotions, thoughts and beliefs about the situation ultimately drive our behaviors. For my son, you hear it in his tone of voice. See it in the hand on the hips; the scrunching of the face; and ultimately the tears flowing down his face.

     Changing our attitude is more than changing how we feel about the situation. If we are to change our attitude, we have to take the time to understand what makes up the surge of emotions that are flooding us. We have to stop and identify what beliefs are driving our perspective. Are they true? Are they beliefs we created or did we learn them from others? Do they help us or are they holding us back? And if they aren't true, we have to determine what is the truth.

     With my son, we talk about feelings and about his view of reality. We look at all the challenges he's conquered. We discuss how he isn't the only one to have to tackle something he doesn't want to do. We examine the benefits of doing the assignment. In the end, we finish the assignment, and if I am lucky he learns more than just the academic lesson. He learns that he can!

Prepare Ahead of Time

The leaves are bursting with the colors of fall. Brilliant reds, burgundies, golds and oranges exploding on the hills around my home. There is a crispness to the air, even on the warm days of the season. Grey and drizzling overcast skies hide the summer sunshine and heat. And the darkness clings to the earth, staying later each morning and creeping earlier each evening.

Last weekend seeing the light shine from inside my apartment shine on the outside around the edges of my front door, I had a stark reminder of the changing seasons and the prep work I needed to finish before we move too far into fall. It takes so much more energy to keep the house warm when the temperatures drop and the off-again-on-again drizzle turns into a continuous downpour. No sense in using more than I have to.

So I made a quick trip to the local hardware store to buy supplies. I picked up weatherizing strip to seal up the front door. I bought plastic to cover our windows and the large sliding glass door in the kitchen. Once home I locked my two cats and my dog in a bedroom and put up the weatherizing strip. Right now, it is still too warm to seal up the windows, but as the weather turns more consistently cold, I will continue preparing my home for the inevitable transition from fall to winter.

Just like I know this winter is ultimately coming, I know other changes will weave their way into my life. I may not know exactly when. I may have no clue what the specifics of the change will be. But I know that as I move through the days, weeks and months of my life somewhere in there I will go through at least one change.

Working through transition requires a good deal of energy as well. It is harder to find a place of calm. More challenging to focus on what needs to be done next. It's a process that is exponentially more difficult when we don't prepare for it.

I know, I know, you're thinking, "How can I prepare for a big shift in my life when I don't even know what that shift will be?"

I'm not suggesting we prepare for the specifics of an undetermined situation. I am, however, saying, there are things we can do to "winterize" ourselves for whatever comes our way. Below are a few that come to mind.

Establish Practices that Help You Center

The turmoil of change can leave you feeling like everything is up in the air. Nothing seems to fit into place any more. And focus is a thing of the past. In moments like these having, a well established ritual to fall back on can be a god-send. While there are many practices that can help, breathing exercises and meditation practices are two excellent tools to help you cope. If they are already a regular part of your life, you will more naturally use them throughout the process.

Build a Network of Support

There may be times when you need a shoulder to cry on. Someone to give you a pep talk. A friend to hold your hand as you walk through a particularly dark period in your life. When you are struggling to see the sunshine in your life, it is challenging to reach out to people you don't know and build strong relationships. Building them before a life transition is in full swing helps to add stability to a time in your life that may seem anything but stable.

Develop Your Own, Individual Interests

Our hobbies and other interests can provide a momentary distractions from those things that stress us. They build positive emotions. They are also helpful in connecting us to others.  When we are in less than positive frame of mind, finding things that make us feel good, that shifts our focus from the stresses of our lives is a lot more challenging.


Its far easier to put these in place when your not in the midst of a major change in your life. I would recommend putting as many in place as a consistent part of your life, keeping in mind that depending on the situation you are currently in, not all of them may be possible.

Worse before It Gets Better

I absolutely love the end result of a deep house cleaning project. I don't mind the work. Sorting possessions - keep, toss donate. Sucking up all the dust and pet fur out of the carpet with the vacuum. Scrubbing and cleaning everything in sight. The crisp cleanness, the lack of clutter, I absolutely love it!

But in the middle, of the cleaning, just when it feels like I should be almost done, everything looks worse than when I started. The piles and clutter have multiplied exponentially. It is one of the most frustrating feelings. At that moment, I feel so overwhelmed.

When going through life transitions - whether it is a change of my own choosing or not - too often part way through we begin to feel just like that. We've been focusing on what we can control. We are keeping ourselves focused and positive. Yet it feels like everything has become even worse than we started.

Here are some tips I've found useful in getting through the frustration.

1. Stop for A Moment and Breath. When we begin to feel overwhelmed, taking a moment to focus on our breathing can help us to clear our mind. This short break can allow us to regain our drive and motivation. It will also help reduce any sense of stress we may be experiencing.
2. Divide the Task into Smaller Chunks. We  most like mapped out a plan in our minds or on paper that we are following. When things begin to feel overwhelming, further driving the plan into even smaller pieces allows us to see progress quickly. This helps to shift us emotionally back to seeing the positive.
3. Celebrate the Victories No Matter How Small. By celebrating our victories - even the smallest ones - help build emotional momentum. This is essential in carrying us through to see the change to the end. 
4. Finally, Don't Give Up. It is possible to triumph if only we don't give up. 

So, we buckle down; keep breathing; make the process manageable and never give up. And in the end, we end up with a crisp clean space, so to speak.

Releasing Expectations

I don't know about you, but I have a lot of  dreams. Dreams for what type of house in which I will live. A tall skinny house with abstract architecture. Its roof has a one sided slant and its exterior is painted in two tones of grey with black trim. And a red door next to a stone wall. I have hopes for my business and how much money I want it to generate. Treasured thoughts of my son's bright future. I will do everything in my power to make them come true.

And with those dreams comes a host of expectations. Expectations for how hard I will work; how driven I will be; how outgoing. An assumption of what kind of mother I need to be - what kind of performance my son needs to achieve both academically and socially.  

Expectations can be powerful tools to help us create the lives we desire, to making our dreams come true. Without them our efforts would be unfocused. However some expectations will hinder us if we hold on to them.

Helpful or Hindering - What's the Difference?

Sorting through which of our expectations will help us and which ones we need to release. Ask yourself, what's the objective of each of your expectations. Sometimes expectations focus on how we achieve our goals. Others focus on how we assume we or others in our lives will behave and perform. And still others are about what we will achieve?

With an understanding of the purpose of our expectations, we need to look at how much we drive the success of having our expectations met. Examine each expectation. Which of them are within your control? Which can you make happen? Looking at my list, I can control what kind of house I choose to buy. I can hold out until I can afford it. I can wait until its available or have an architect design it for me. I can manage the kind of mother I am. I determine how hard I work, how long and how often.

If you're like me, you'll still have expectations on your list that you can't control. So we'll look for which of the leftovers we can influence. We may not be able to control the final outcome. but our actions can potentially influence the results we end up with. In my list, I may not be able to control how my son turn's out or what grades he earns. But I can influence his life through the environment I create. When it comes to my business, how hard I work, how driven I am, and the quality of work I produce won't guarantee my financial success, but they can swing the vote, so to speak, in my favor.

The final remaining expectations will be ones we can't control and have no ability to influence. For

instance, I can't control or really influence what my son chooses to do with his life. Providing a wide range of life experiences won't allow me to impact his choice, it only provides him with a lot more choice.

In transforming our dreams into reality, we need to spend the largest percentage of our time focusing on those things we can control. Those will give us the biggest bang for our buck. The remaining percentage of our time should be directed towards those expectations we can control. Those that we can't control or influence, we need to free ourselves from and release.

We need to take the advice of a quote I found on Facebook tonight, "I release all that blocks me from believing in my greatness." Those expectations we can't control or influence do just that when we fail to release them.

Hope

      It wasn't too long ago that I stood on the brink of a major change in my life. It was part choice, part necessity and one hundred percent terrifying. I felt as if I was standing on the edge of cliff.

     My marriage had been a roller-coaster ride. When things were good, they were all I'd dreamed. When they weren't, the emotional chaos, the fear was palpable. In between I spent months walking on eggshells.

     As my son and I stood in our empty new apartment, we knew we were safe. But we stood there all alone. We knew no one in the neighborhood. I'd been isolated from developing friendships with coworkers outside of work hours. Our closest friends had been through my former husband's church. We had just gone against everything they believed in by leaving. 

     I couldn't imagine how our life, my life could find a new normal - a normal that was full, rewarding and emotionally satisfying. Would Thanksgiving and Christmas just be my son and I in our bare apartment. I didn't see a lot of hope standing in the barren living room.

     Three and a half years latter, standing in the middle of that same living room is so very different from that first day. The room is warm, cozy and inviting. My pets cuddle up with me when I set on the couch watching television. I see a bright optimistic future.

      The contrast made me wonder how I shifted from hopeless to optimistic. From barren existence to flourishing life. So I decided to spend some time digging through those days and reflecting to see what I could learn.

Focus on Gains

     As the days turned into weeks, I sometimes question my choice. Perhaps he could change. Perhaps we could build a better life. If I had continued focusing on the what ifs, I probably would have given up and returned to the abusive relationship of my past. But the one emotion that surfaced as time passed was a growing sense of freedom.

     I remember walking in the door of my apartment after a long day at work. That feeling of independence. For someone like me, it was such a huge win. That gain became my focus. I couldn't give up. I had to see it through. 

Reach Out to Others

     I'll admit this one was difficult for me. I can be a bit of an introvert. Some of my efforts to reach out to others was due to my son's gregariousness. As he made friends with other children in the apartment complex, I made friends with contacts. I also used tools like Meetup,com  to find groups with similar interests as I have. 

     Now my son and I have a large network of friends. Some are closer than others. Some more like family than just friends. My worry of holidays spent alone were in vain. Reaching out to others created that feeling of family, belonging that I needed. Things were beginning  to look up for us.

Plan for a Better Future 

     Gradually my son and I began to plan for a better future. Yes, we started small. A workable budget. A weekend get-away to the beach.

     Eventually I started dreaming of what I wanted for my long-term future. I took steps to make it a reality. I took classes. I started researching starting a business. I created a plan. I  started working it. Things started falling into place. The future was mine.

Ralph W. Sockman once said, "Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so strong as real gentleness." I believe that when strength and gentleness are blended, hope springs up in the midst.

Create Your Dreams

     Watching television over the weekend, I was surprised when an ad for American Family Insurance caught my attention. A professional football player was on the screen talking about protecting your dreams and how the company could help you do just that. His final line caused me to pause and think.

"See, dreams don't come true. Dreams, dreams are made true."

     The obviousness of the words struck me. If our dreams are to come true, it is up to us to make sure it happens.

1. Define the dream. We can't make our dreams come true unless we know what we want. Sometimes our dreams are things we want to have in life - a house, a car, a family. Other times they are made up of who we want to be - a nurse, a teacher, a father. And others still encompass how we want to feel - loved, appreciated, content. What does the dream look like? How does it make you feel? Does achieving your dream change how people interact with you? If so, what is that change? What will you do when your dream comes true? Ask those questions about each area in your life: home, career, finances, health and fitness etc.
2. Visualize the dream. Visualization is an important tool in making dreams a reality. As you

   

   One of My Dream Boards

   define the dream, a picture of it will emerge. You will want to capture that image in a away that you can see every day. One way is to create a dream board. There are several varieties. You can make a collage of images that represent what you want your life to look like in each area. You can also include affirmations and quotes. If you're not sure what you in your life, you may know how you want to feel. Your board can reflect a description of times when you have experienced those feelings.
3. Create a plan and prepare for the action. Identify action steps you can take. Break them into smaller more manageable steps. Determine the best order to complete each action item. Reach out to resources that can help you as you take each step. Put your plan in writing so that you can refer back to it. Build a network of support to encourage you, brainstorm with you and hold you accountable. Group or individual coaching can provide you with some of the support you will be looking for. Once you have your plan, visualize yourself taking each action. As strange as this may sound, it is a technique used by the Olympic athletes. Researchers have found that visualizing yourself taking the action activates the same parts of the brain as actually taking the action. Close your eyes and walk yourself through each aspect of every step. Include as many senses as you possibly can.
4. Work the plan. Making your dream come true takes more than a dream board and visualizations. Just creating a plan won't make it happen. You will actually have to take each step in your plan. Utilize your resources. Check in with your support team. These tools will help you increase your skill level and help you keep on track.
5. Course adjust as needed. Sometimes things in your world will change that will alter your plan. Sometimes things don't come off the way you planned. In those instances, don't give up and throw in the towel. Figure out if you know what you need to do to adjust your course. If you're not sure check in with your support group, coach or other resources you are utilizing to work your plan. Once you correct the course, start working your plan again.

     You have the power to make your dreams come true. It will take a lot of hard work, but when you see the results of your efforts it will have been worth the work.