Jobs as Relationships: Healing in New Employment

This is just a short reflection, following up on my two recent posts about returning to a ‘day job’ and what I’ve learned from the experience. The other posts have focused on how I’ve shifted my mindset to a positive one, and what that has meant both for my energy and for my business as I continue to pursue my dreams.

This post is a little different. It’s about the healing I’ve experienced by finding a positive job environment.

A toxic work situation can be truly devastating. You can lose your energy to negativity, as well as sacrificing your time and ability.

I wrote last about the importance on focusing on positivity. But a key detail is that if you feel negative in a situation, you need to figure out whether this negativity is internal or external. When I went back to work, the bad energy was within me, and was a reaction to feeling like I wasn’t in control of my situation, and holding onto the idea that the situation was a bad one. This was in spite of the overwhelming positivity surrounding me, and the opportunities my new work had already started to bring me.

This is very different from previous work experiences, where the negativity surrounded me and my best efforts couldn’t compete with the external damage of my situation.

If you are in a negative work situation, you have to find a way to safely leave. It’s like a damaging relationship. You can feel the effects of emotional abuse in your work setting that damage all aspects of your life and dreams.

Like the feeling of leaving a negative relationship, when I walked away from my previous employment, I spent a long while feeling the backlash of ‘never again’ and believing any day job would have the same power to harm me.

My new job has been incredibly healing. The culture of my coworkers is supportive and affirming. The employee culture prioritizes our needs, from the simple (adequate breaks) to the profound—the office is going through a domestic violence prevention training to help all members of the team recognize and prevent abuse. I NEVER would have imagined this was possible! I feel cared for, known, and valued. My work is building me up, instead of tearing me down.

If you feel unsatisfied with your current path, take a bit of time and reflect on where this dissatisfaction is coming from. Are you in a situation that is damaging you? Or is there something you can shift within yourself, consciously moving from the negative to the positive, that can change the way you relate to your surroundings to find the positive?

I would love to hear your experiences with both the positives and negatives of employment. What’s your journey? Reach out—let’s share what we’ve learned. 

Finding the Positive

As I wrote in my last blog post, Changes Personal Transformation, I recently underwent a massive change in my path: I have returned to full-time work at a ‘day job’ and experienced all the mental turbulence of choosing that lifestyle after these past months of thinking my path was fundamentally meant to be about creating a business around life coaching.

I almost destructed this opportunity because I was stuck in a negative mentality, chasing my tail and feeling like I was sliding backward instead of pursuing my dream.

Two key ideas have taken shape based on this experience:

• Focus on the positive
• Recognize the difference between the path and the goal

The Positive

First: the positive. I was so stuck in a mentality that the job offer meant betraying my dreams that I almost walked away from the job. I felt like I either had to quit the day job or I had to quit my coaching business and give up on my dreams.

That trapped, either/or mentality, stopped me from seeing the positive in my situation.

The day job provided a sense of security that shored up the rest of my time and mental energy. I had been worrying about rent, bills, and the fundamental truth that you can’t reasonably have a kid without health insurance.

The job lifted those worries from my mind. I knew the basics were taken care of. I was freed to be creative and compassionate because I wasn’t trapped in anxiety and insecurity.

The day job also provided a new and positive community. This was difficult for me to see for a little while, when I was trapped in a mentality that the job meant a betrayal of my own values. But when I really looked around at my situation, I began to see positive coworkers, compassionate management, and a real sense of community. The job was a good place to be.

Recognizing the Difference Between the Path and the Goal

Knowing your dream is essential to effectively pursuing it. I knew my dream was to help people reach their full potential. I knew that with 100% conviction. That is my goal.

But that doesn’t have to be every aspect of my daily path.

The job has clarified my purpose. It’s been a catalyst to boil down what I want into short-term steps. This process hasn’t been about paring down or weakening my dreams—it’s been about finding the perfect fit. By focusing and reframing the choices in my immediate path, I’ve discovered what I actually wanted.

This has moved me away from pursuing a stereotypical coaching business model to examining my skills and desires to create the dream I actually want.

How I got there

Interestingly, I couldn’t pull myself into positive thinking on my own. I knew I needed to get there—I’ve advised so many people to do this, after all! But somehow I couldn’t see what was good about my situation.

It took a combination of personal friends and the treasured advice of a life/business coach of my own to see the value of the path I’d found.

The biggest message I received, once they helped me get there, is that you can’t see opportunity if you’re focused on negatives.

Finding the positive has meant that this transformation has been an enormous positive for both my business and my immediate path. I know I’m right where I need to be. And thank goodness for that. 

Changes Personal Transformation

It’s been a long while since my last post here on the blog. A lot of that has had to do with yet another significant transition in my life, and processing my reactions and perceptions of what this would mean. 

For a long while, I’ve been pushing toward a vision of how my life should be and what it should look like. I saw myself pursuing my dream as an entrepreneur, dedicating myself to living out the belief that everyone has limitless potential, and being 100% committed to helping people unlock that potential.

Somehow I got caught up with thinking that that belief and dream needed me to honor it by being full-time employed in that space.

I’ve thrown a lot of my energy into building this business, and have developed such amazing relationships and seen life changing breakthroughs with clients. It’s been incredibly rewarding in a powerful, affirming way. But my pursuit of this full-time meant that I was chasing a specific way of meeting my goal, my dream. I was always trying to find new people and was farther than I wanted to be from being in a place where I could relax into a situation that felt secure and effective.

I was so focused on how I was going to achieve my dream that I wasn’t honoring its full intention. And, like so many others, I wasn’t secure in the basics of finances to feel truly free to pursue what I love.

One day several months back, reality came crashing down on me. I realized that my savings were depleted. My rent was due, and anxiety about health insurance for myself and my child was reaching a near-overwhelming place.

And like so many stories I’ve heard others share about how out of nowhere, an unexpected answer landed in their laps, hours after finding myself sitting in  this dark place, I received a phone call offering me a very good temp-to-hire position.

I had to grit my teeth and go back to a ‘day job’ and let go of the idea of pursuing life coaching full time.

I have quite a lot to say about what this meant for my mental state and what this meant for my image of myself and my dedication to my goals. I went through a month of feeling like I was forced onto a path I didn’t want. In fact, for a long while I wasn’t able to see just how happy and empowering the job was making me.

I’ll be writing more in upcoming posts, but what this change has actually meant is that I have clarified the difference between the path and the goal. I’ve come to realize that I don’t have to sacrifice any of my deep desires so long as I stay focused on why I’m pursuing the end goal, and clarifying the ways this can really be achieved.

So the short story is that I have found ‘day job’ employment that is empowering and positive. AND that I’ll be continuing my coaching work, but in a slightly different way. I will continue to meet one-on-one as a coach, but will start prioritizing groups and workshops (online and off), which will allow me to continue fostering personal transformation.

I’m going to keep choosing my dream, focusing on what made it the dream in the first place.

I hope you keep pursuing your dreams as well.

Quick, Powerful and To the Point!

What do you picture when you imagine working with a life coach? Sitting on a couch talking? Talking on your phone or on Skype chatting?

We don't always have time for chats in person or on the phone. Sometimes we need some quick help that allows us to quickly move forward. 

This holiday season, I found out how powerful texting can be in those moments. I received a text from one of my clients who was at work and in tears. Below are her own words describing the situation.

"In the past, I used to avoid holidays and preferred to be alone and isolated. I would get very depressed by the thought of holidays even. Elana encouraged me to try an experiment, which she called re-framing.
I focused on what I liked about holidays instead of what I did not like. For example, I focused on friends, reindeer, holiday spirit, good food, community, charity, and stuff that actually makes me happy. The more I focused on what makes me happy, instead of what I dreaded, I felt the joy start to build. We did all this work by text, not even in person. Elana is a true miracle worker and very gifted at what she does.
Because of her, I had my first happy holiday in years."

- Terry, Portland, Oregon

Hearing Terry describe how she was able to joyfully engage in her celebration this year and invite friends and family I realized how powerful a tool texting could be.

• The normal chit-chat that so often feels like a necessary part of verbal conversation. Texting by nature is brief and to the point. This allowed Terry and I to create a very powerful interaction that ended up creating a new holiday reality for her. 
• Reading the words shared by the other person allowed us to side step our human tendency to plan our response while listening. Each of us were more fully focused what we each shared. We had the time to read, reread, and reflect on what we each said before we responded. Our words became even more deliberate and intentional.

This incredible interaction was one of the best holiday gifts I received! And I want to share it with you! Check out how you can claim your gift here!

Actions Speak Louder than Words

The seasons of my life seem scripted around themes chosen by powers outside myself. I've had stretches focused on personal empowerment, taking a stand, and compassion to name a few. Currently the theme of my life is gratitude. Deep, soul shattering gratitude that alters my behavior.

It started with a Facebook gratitude challenge. That eventually lead to my Living to Thrive group making and starting to fill a gratitude jar. Speak Out Sunday at Ainsworth United Church of Christ sparked thankfulness for my journey and my story. Shopping for Christmas gifts turned from a tradition I felt compelled to support to a heartfelt expression of gratitude for those people I love. Wrapping each gift gave me time to reflect on how my life was better because of the person for whom I was wrapping the gift.

Finally yesterday while handing out dog supplies to homeless pet owners today with the PAW Team (Portland Animal Welfare Team) I met an incredible man who was living on the streets. He was wearing multiple layers of clothes, that as he pointed out didn't match. All topped with a fur coat of which he was quite proud. What struck me most about our encounter was how grateful he was for what he had and how he seemed to be able to maintain his joy and sense of humor.

That encounter made me look at my own life. There are so many things in my life I never thought to be grateful for. Things I've just taken for granted. I don't have to worry about waking up in the morning and being rousted out of what little shelter I've made for myself. I know my son and I will have food to eat. And I thought about how little it can take for me, with all my privilege, to give up my joy.

This holiday season, I have repeatedly experienced how gratitude is more than just saying thank you and more than warm fuzzy feelings. It starts on the inside and should be reflected in our actions year round. I figure now is as good time to start as any. I would rather start now than forget about it later in hecticness chaos of life.

So here's my action plan for weaving gratitude into every fiber of my life.

Be Intentional with My Words

I don't always think about the implications my words have when I let them slip out of my mouth unchecked. How many times, when asked how my day is going, have I responded with something like, "It could be better." or "I'll sure be glad when it's Friday." True some days are worse than others, but no matter how challenging my life is there is always someone out there who is having it worse. I want to challenge myself to answer questions about how my day is, how I am and what I post as my status on Facebook to be a testament of gratitude.

Move Beyond Words to Actions

I'm a firm believer that my actions are an enactment of the attitudes at the core of my being. Giving back to the community; offering a helping had to those less fortunate than I; or taking concrete actions to create a better world are ways I can show my overall gratitude for the countless blessings I so easily take for granted.

Inspire Others

Gratitude can be contagious. I'm inviting my friends and family to join me in turning their focus from what they don't have to what they do have and expressing gratitude. I'm asking them to join me as I start walking my talk.

I'd love to hear how you show your gratitude.

Coming to Your Own Rescue

When I was a little girl, I ready stories like Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty, damsels in distress who were rescued when a knight in shining armor came rushing in to rescue them. As I entered my adult life, I found the concepts of those stories influencing my decisions. They set the tone for how I handled situations that caused me suffering.

I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for twenty years waiting for a force outside myself to change my reality. I watched it deteriorate from just emotional abuse to including physical abuse while I pined away for my knight to come riding in on a white stallion to rescue me.

At some point in that relationship, something shifted for me and I moved from victim waiting for rescue to an empowered woman who claimed her own victory.

A few weeks ago a friend and I, who have both experienced those shifts, were exploring those transitions. Both of us have seen ourselves make the shift, but as we were discussing it, we weren't sure what triggered that transition.

In the days since she and I talked, I have spent a good deal of time thinking about my own experience, trying to understand the process. And while I know the list isn't exhaustive, I thought I'd share it with you and hope you might share what you've found helpful in your own journeys to a state of triumph.

Stand in My Truth

Before I could even contemplate coming to my own rescue, I first had to be honest with myself about how I felt and what I wanted. I had to own it.

I remember a few years before I left my abusive relationship, how the thought, "I want a divorce," would pop into my head. And I would quickly squelch it. It wasn't until I owned those feelings, that I could start to shift into seeking a better life.

Willing to Risk

I have a large mural hanging in my living room. It shows a rickety bridge – aged wooden slats held together by worn rope; a rope railing along each of the sides with holes big enough that if the bridge tipped, you could fall through. The fog is so thick you can’t even see what is below and there appears to be no end to the bridge. As you reach the middle of the bridge, however, you can start to see the outline of a mighty oak tree flourishing on the other side.

For me, this picture is representative of my journey. The dangerous, miserable situation I called home, felt comfortable. Taking action called me to move from status quo to an uncertain, unknown future. The path I would have to follow was rickety. It swayed and tipped and it wouldn't have taken much for me to lose my balance. Before I could continue, before I could start to see the possibilities that lay before me, I had to get to a place where I was willing to take the risk.

Watching the patterns of abuse increase in frequency and intensity prompted me to take my first step on to that wobbly bridge. Having my son beg me to take him anywhere so he could escape the stressful environment of our home when his father was home drove me to take several more steps. And finally, when my son told me he had confided in the school counselor, I found myself figuring out how I would get the two of us to the other side of the bridge.

See the Bigger Picture

There were many points in this process, I considered going back. This change was so big and so unnerving, it would have been convenient to give up. Connecting my actions to a the bigger picture reinforced my decision and helped keep me putting one foot in front of the other. 

I my situation, I didn't want to jeopardize my son's well being. I didn't want harm coming to him. And on top of those concerns, I started to notice significant, positive changes in him. Before we had left, he had major nightmares almost every night. It wasn't too long after we had moved out, his nightmares had all but ceased. By the end of our first year on our own, his confidence had grown and his fears had diminished. I didn't want to risk undoing these gains.

It has been almost four years since I started this journey. And while it has been challenging. I'm so glad I chose to cross that bridge in my life and move into a space where my son and I could thrive.

Giving Tuesday!

Early this morning my dog, Lila, and I headed out for our usual walk. For her it was an exciting adventure. For me it was an exercise in how many layers could I possibly put on before heading out. And while I have a warm house to go home to after our walk in the 24 degree weather, there are too many people and their beloved pets who don't. Sadder still is the fact that the most recent homeless survey shows 10% of the homeless in my community have children under 18. These thoughts were in my head as I logged into my Facebook account and was reminded that, at least here in the United States, it is Giving Tuesday. I chose to express my gratitude by donating where my son and I regularly volunteer, the Portland Animal Welfare Team (PAW Team).  At PAW Team, 60% of their clients are families. Pets are so vital to those who have lost everything else. They rely on donations such as mine and yours to keep families together during the most difficult times of their lives.  Your donation of $35 provides one homeless family's cherished pet with up to $300 in goods and services, including vaccines, veterinarian exam, and pet supplies. Join the PAW Team and donate here!

If you are under 36, a donation of $50 or more saves your seat on the Pabst PAW Team Party Bus!  Be sure to check the under 36 box at the bottom of the check out page.