Actions Speak Louder than Words

The seasons of my life seem scripted around themes chosen by powers outside myself. I've had stretches focused on personal empowerment, taking a stand, and compassion to name a few. Currently the theme of my life is gratitude. Deep, soul shattering gratitude that alters my behavior.

It started with a Facebook gratitude challenge. That eventually lead to my Living to Thrive group making and starting to fill a gratitude jar. Speak Out Sunday at Ainsworth United Church of Christ sparked thankfulness for my journey and my story. Shopping for Christmas gifts turned from a tradition I felt compelled to support to a heartfelt expression of gratitude for those people I love. Wrapping each gift gave me time to reflect on how my life was better because of the person for whom I was wrapping the gift.

Finally yesterday while handing out dog supplies to homeless pet owners today with the PAW Team (Portland Animal Welfare Team) I met an incredible man who was living on the streets. He was wearing multiple layers of clothes, that as he pointed out didn't match. All topped with a fur coat of which he was quite proud. What struck me most about our encounter was how grateful he was for what he had and how he seemed to be able to maintain his joy and sense of humor.

That encounter made me look at my own life. There are so many things in my life I never thought to be grateful for. Things I've just taken for granted. I don't have to worry about waking up in the morning and being rousted out of what little shelter I've made for myself. I know my son and I will have food to eat. And I thought about how little it can take for me, with all my privilege, to give up my joy.

This holiday season, I have repeatedly experienced how gratitude is more than just saying thank you and more than warm fuzzy feelings. It starts on the inside and should be reflected in our actions year round. I figure now is as good time to start as any. I would rather start now than forget about it later in hecticness chaos of life.

So here's my action plan for weaving gratitude into every fiber of my life.

Be Intentional with My Words

I don't always think about the implications my words have when I let them slip out of my mouth unchecked. How many times, when asked how my day is going, have I responded with something like, "It could be better." or "I'll sure be glad when it's Friday." True some days are worse than others, but no matter how challenging my life is there is always someone out there who is having it worse. I want to challenge myself to answer questions about how my day is, how I am and what I post as my status on Facebook to be a testament of gratitude.

Move Beyond Words to Actions

I'm a firm believer that my actions are an enactment of the attitudes at the core of my being. Giving back to the community; offering a helping had to those less fortunate than I; or taking concrete actions to create a better world are ways I can show my overall gratitude for the countless blessings I so easily take for granted.

Inspire Others

Gratitude can be contagious. I'm inviting my friends and family to join me in turning their focus from what they don't have to what they do have and expressing gratitude. I'm asking them to join me as I start walking my talk.

I'd love to hear how you show your gratitude.

Coming to Your Own Rescue

When I was a little girl, I ready stories like Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty, damsels in distress who were rescued when a knight in shining armor came rushing in to rescue them. As I entered my adult life, I found the concepts of those stories influencing my decisions. They set the tone for how I handled situations that caused me suffering.

I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for twenty years waiting for a force outside myself to change my reality. I watched it deteriorate from just emotional abuse to including physical abuse while I pined away for my knight to come riding in on a white stallion to rescue me.

At some point in that relationship, something shifted for me and I moved from victim waiting for rescue to an empowered woman who claimed her own victory.

A few weeks ago a friend and I, who have both experienced those shifts, were exploring those transitions. Both of us have seen ourselves make the shift, but as we were discussing it, we weren't sure what triggered that transition.

In the days since she and I talked, I have spent a good deal of time thinking about my own experience, trying to understand the process. And while I know the list isn't exhaustive, I thought I'd share it with you and hope you might share what you've found helpful in your own journeys to a state of triumph.

Stand in My Truth

Before I could even contemplate coming to my own rescue, I first had to be honest with myself about how I felt and what I wanted. I had to own it.

I remember a few years before I left my abusive relationship, how the thought, "I want a divorce," would pop into my head. And I would quickly squelch it. It wasn't until I owned those feelings, that I could start to shift into seeking a better life.

Willing to Risk

I have a large mural hanging in my living room. It shows a rickety bridge – aged wooden slats held together by worn rope; a rope railing along each of the sides with holes big enough that if the bridge tipped, you could fall through. The fog is so thick you can’t even see what is below and there appears to be no end to the bridge. As you reach the middle of the bridge, however, you can start to see the outline of a mighty oak tree flourishing on the other side.

For me, this picture is representative of my journey. The dangerous, miserable situation I called home, felt comfortable. Taking action called me to move from status quo to an uncertain, unknown future. The path I would have to follow was rickety. It swayed and tipped and it wouldn't have taken much for me to lose my balance. Before I could continue, before I could start to see the possibilities that lay before me, I had to get to a place where I was willing to take the risk.

Watching the patterns of abuse increase in frequency and intensity prompted me to take my first step on to that wobbly bridge. Having my son beg me to take him anywhere so he could escape the stressful environment of our home when his father was home drove me to take several more steps. And finally, when my son told me he had confided in the school counselor, I found myself figuring out how I would get the two of us to the other side of the bridge.

See the Bigger Picture

There were many points in this process, I considered going back. This change was so big and so unnerving, it would have been convenient to give up. Connecting my actions to a the bigger picture reinforced my decision and helped keep me putting one foot in front of the other. 

I my situation, I didn't want to jeopardize my son's well being. I didn't want harm coming to him. And on top of those concerns, I started to notice significant, positive changes in him. Before we had left, he had major nightmares almost every night. It wasn't too long after we had moved out, his nightmares had all but ceased. By the end of our first year on our own, his confidence had grown and his fears had diminished. I didn't want to risk undoing these gains.

It has been almost four years since I started this journey. And while it has been challenging. I'm so glad I chose to cross that bridge in my life and move into a space where my son and I could thrive.

Giving Tuesday!

Early this morning my dog, Lila, and I headed out for our usual walk. For her it was an exciting adventure. For me it was an exercise in how many layers could I possibly put on before heading out. And while I have a warm house to go home to after our walk in the 24 degree weather, there are too many people and their beloved pets who don't. Sadder still is the fact that the most recent homeless survey shows 10% of the homeless in my community have children under 18. These thoughts were in my head as I logged into my Facebook account and was reminded that, at least here in the United States, it is Giving Tuesday. I chose to express my gratitude by donating where my son and I regularly volunteer, the Portland Animal Welfare Team (PAW Team).  At PAW Team, 60% of their clients are families. Pets are so vital to those who have lost everything else. They rely on donations such as mine and yours to keep families together during the most difficult times of their lives.  Your donation of $35 provides one homeless family's cherished pet with up to $300 in goods and services, including vaccines, veterinarian exam, and pet supplies. Join the PAW Team and donate here!

If you are under 36, a donation of $50 or more saves your seat on the Pabst PAW Team Party Bus!  Be sure to check the under 36 box at the bottom of the check out page.

Ask! You Might Get A Yes!

Recently at a church social, I was conversing with a woman about Speak Out Sunday. In the course of the discussion, we began discussion about my business and how I want to use my skills to help others who are rebuilding their lives after leaving domestic violence. I shared how I was looking to partner with other professionals such as therapists to share referrals. Come to find out, she was a therapist. She actually works with many women who could use my services at some point in their process and was very open to referring them to me. 

As I excitedly relayed the incident to a friend, it dawned on me, when I actually ask, I often receive what I have requested. That realization made me ponder what is different.

Emotional Drive

While there are many things I have wanted that don't materialize. And while I really wanted them, my emotional drive didn't outweigh my fear, the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that holds me back. When I have a strong emotional drive, I can move past the fear and several other things start to happen.

Vision

Those times when I have seen things happen like magic, I find I can usually see the results. Even if what I am looking for is more abstract, there is an image that symbolizes the results. For example, when I was wanted an option that allowed me to work full time on my business while providing me with a measure of financial security. Not exactly a desire that is easy to visualize. Yet the image on the card of the Faery Stallion represented triumphantly charging ahead to victory without anyone or anything standing in my way. I could picture that card with my eyes closed. Every time I told myself what I wanted, the image of the card popped into my head.

Clarity

Receiving my desires, requires me to be clear about what I actually want to ask for. When talking to the therapist in my church, I new exactly what I wanted. I wanted to create a referral partnership.

Make the Ask

All the other steps above will do me no good if I don't actually make the ask. I can't hope that others will read my mind or even guess what I want. I actually have to open my mouth and ask.

I know it sounds so simple and magical. But I've been astounded many times at the results I get when I know what I want and ask for it.

Strength

This week as I prepared to speak at the Speak Out Sunday event at Ainsworth United Church of Christ, I realized how much strength the darkest experiences of my life have given me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying fate sent those experiences on purpose. I just believe that even the most undeserved, negative situations can give rise to something positive. 

Kahil Gibran said, "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." When we are in the middle of our struggles, we can't see how we are growing, learning and gaining strength. 

For me becoming strong wasn't about being stoic, further burying my heart, my emotions, my passions. It has been about learning to stand tall while feeling all of my emotions. It is risking my heart and  trusting myself.

Looking back gives me a chance to see that growth within myself. Gives me an opportunity reinforce my confidence and prepare for the adventure I choose next.

Oops, I Meant to Go Left: Four Steps for Course Correction

Earlier this week, I was driving a group of volunteers for  an outreach event on behalf of the Portland Animal Welfare Team (PAW Team). This organization provides basic veterinary care to the pets of the homeless and those living in extreme poverty so that people and their animal companions can remain together during life's most difficult situations.

We had headed into downtown Portland, Oregon loaded up with pet food, leashes, and blankets to hand out to homeless pet owners. Like many city centers, with its alternating one way streets and bus only lanes, downtown can be confusing. To make things worse, I wasn't familiar with where our first stop was located.

One of the volunteers was acting as my navigator, reading out the directions as I tried to find street signs in time to make the correct turns. Just as she told me to turn left on Irving, I realized I had driven too far to make the turn. The street I was on was nice and wide. And not wanting to try to find the next street that was headed the direction I needed to go, I looked to see how much on coming traffic was headed my way. See all was clear, I made a quick u-turn and got us back on track.

Often during periods of change, we find ourselves trying to navigate unfamiliar territory. Sometimes we miss our turn. Other times we turn right when we needed to turn left. Regardless of how we get off track, we need to make that quick "U-ie" to get ourselves headed the direction we want to go.

So, how do you course correct when your not sure where you are?

Acknowledge the Wrong Turn

The first step is to acknowledge you are off course. Pretending we never made the wrong turn won't help us get back on track. In fact, it keeps us headed in the wrong direction. Without guilt, judgement and berating yourself, recognize, "Oops, I meant to go left."

Whatever the situation, whatever the mistake, taking the time to realize when you're off track puts you back in control of where you are headed.

Examine Your Hidden Intent

Sometimes when we take a wrong turn, there is a subconscious motivation behind it. Understanding it will allow you to minimize the chance of a repeat of the same mistake.

For me, one area I often have "wrong turns" around is my attendance at networking events. In large groups of people I don't know, I often find myself feeling awkward and uncomfortable. My tongue gets tied in so many knots I struggle to connect and communicate coherently. I find ways to sabotage myself. Understanding this has helped me realize what actions I need to take to be able to be successful in this important activity.

Map out Your Course Correction

Have you ever missed a turn when you're using a GPS navigator?

That electronic voice suddenly comes on saying, "Rerouting." And then you wait for the new directions. Well, now it is your turn. You are the navigator. Map out your correction into a step-by-step plan.

When it comes to my attendance at networking events, my challenges were a symptom of the real issues. I had to start by dealing with the why behind my attendance challenges. I started by practicing my elevator speech in settings where I felt safe - with friends, in the hair stylist's chair. As I became more comfortable with that, I branched out. I also took time to work with a professional consultant to help me feel more confident in speaking from my heart.

Make the U-turn

Once you have the plan to get back on track, it's time to start taking action. Start working each step of your "rerouted" plan.

I had to do all the work I outlined in my plan. This past week, I went to a networking event. I put into practice the lessons I learned within my comfort zone. I was amazed at the results. I was back on track!

Face Value

Sometimes I think my cat, Seamus, came into my life to be my teacher. I know it sounds crazy, but I have found to such wisdom in examining our interactions and watching his behavior. This week Seamus held class yet once again.

A while back I shared in my post, Seamus - Professor of Patience, the long journey of building a our relationship. And while we are close and share a ritual of bonding each night before I fall asleep, each day with Seamus is different. Some days, I don't see him all day. He retreats to one of the bedrooms and plays the hermit. Other days, he will sit at my side while I work at my desk and occasionally push his nose against my hand to tell me he wants me to stop typing and live him love. At night he will occasionally stretch out on my chest and knead my night clothes. A lot of nights, he sits primly on my chest with a posture that stretches him tall and issues a royal indict commanding me to lovingly stroke his fur.

 I'm never sure what version of Seamus I am going to get. And truthfully, as I realized the other night when the regal Seamus was perched on me, it doesn't matter. If I worry about his motivations . . . if I stress about why he doesn't want to spend time with me, I would be able to enjoy spending time with him as much as I do.

And that's when it hit me! I don't extend that courtesy to the human beings in my life. I fuss at their intentions. Make assumptions about them, usually the worst case assumptions. And then I take that assumed intention personally, growing irritated and offended.

So what would it take for me to take for me to take people at face value - to accept them where they are in that moment. No judgement, no feeling hurt or let down. Just a plain, simple, "OK, this is where you are right now. It doesn't change how I perceive you." It reminded me of two of the concepts shared in the book The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Don't Take Things Personally

Fate isn't out to us. And, more often than not, how another person interacts with us has nothing to do with us. Their reactions are based on their life at that moment; the way they look at their world and the beliefs from which they operate.

When Seamus doesn't want to interact in his most affection manner, It doesn't have anything to do with me. Most of the time, when he is in that mood, I haven't seen much of him that day. His mood could be based on how the change in weather is affecting his joints. Or perhaps Rudy, my other cat, or Lila, my dog, have played too aggressively and now Seamus is over-stimulated.

The fact is I don't know what motivates the swing in Seamus' mood. And I absolutely don't know what is going on in an other human's life that drives their behaviors. Many of these people I don't see every day or even every week. Even those I see every day, I don't spend twenty-four hours a day with them. I don't know everything that is going on with them. So, tell me, how is taking their reactions to me personally rational?

Don't Make Assumptions

Everyday we make assumptions about events, people, and the world. Too often we take those assumptions and run with them as if they were proven facts. We respond to people assuming the worst of intent from them.

I could assume on those days when Seamus would rather hide behind my bed that curl up on my lap while I relax on the couch that he is relapsing into who he was when he first moved in with us. Or I could assume he hates me. Everyday we make those assumptions about the people in our lives.

These assumptions drive our behaviors and give rise to misunderstandings. And in the end lead us to further take things personally, creating a viscous cycle.


So perhaps, it would be a good idea to take our friends, our families and all the people in our lives at face value. Perhaps if we did, our relationships would be very different in a very positive way.