A Journey through the Mountains

Earlier this week, a friend and I took our sons to the coast for a last hurrah before summer ended and school began. We headed out from Portland with an active six year-old and a bored twelve year-old.

The ninety minute drive was a long and tedious ride for the six year-old in the back seat of my car. The road twisted and turned as it wound through the Coastal Mountain Range of the Pacific Northwest.

Before we reached the beach, we stopped to visit the Tillamook Cheese Factory. Up on the observation deck we watched cheese being sliced and packaged. Afterwards we enjoyed some of their extra creamy ice cream. Five different flavors.

As we left and were heading out to play in the sand, the youngest exclaimed with heart felt consternation, “I sure hope we don't have to go through any mountains to get to the beach!"

The sentiment of my young friend rang true for me. When I had reached the stage in my marriage where I was feeling desperate to escape from the emotional roller coaster of abuse, desperate to feel safe, I was at a point where I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. I didn't want to fight any longer. I remember wishing someone or something would come waltzing into my life and rescue me. I longed to be free!

Like my young friend, I wanted, wanted so much, to get to that final destination. However I definitely did not want to go through “anymore mountains." 

The mountains where fraught with fear and uncertainty. I'd have to admit my marriage was a failure. Acknowledge that I was a victim of domestic violence. Face being a single mother and figure out my finances so I could support my son and I.

I absolutely did not want to go through the mountains! I didn't want to, but I had to. I had to make that hard choice, travel that difficult road regardless of how I felt.

Whether figurative or literal a journey through the mountains can't be done without some planning and preparation.

Reach Out for Support
As I started to prepare to take my son and leave my husband, I started by reaching out to my friends and family. Despite the shame I felt, I spoke out and shared the truth about my marriage. I reached out to community resources that support women in crisis.

Once in my new community, I continued reaching out and building that network of support. It's a practice I continue to this day.

Grab the Map and Start Planning
Getting through the mountains doesn't happen by accident. And usually there isn't a night in shining armor that sweeps in and rescues us. More often we have to grab the map and start planning our route.

For me this meant figuring out what resources I had that would allow me to finance my move. It called for me to to pull those resources together. I had to research school logistics for my son; and what neighborhood we would call home. I mapped out a budget to manage my finances.

I can't say what planning you may need to do. You may want to consider these questions:
What resources do you have that could help you along the way?
What resources might you need?
What information might you need?
What steps need to be taken to reach your destination?

Feel Your Emotions but Don't Let Them Hold You Back
As you start your journey through the mountains, your emotions will run the gambit. It's important to acknowledge the feelings. Sit with them and feel them. Your emotions may give you clues to where you may need to adjust your plan,  just don't allow them to hold you back.

On the first day in our new home, the fear was palpable. As I moved through the process, there were moments of doubt and guilt. I felt each emotion, looked to see if I need to adjust course or if I should stay the course.

Luckily for my little friend, the final road to the beach didn't involve mountains. But should your path require the assent, embrace the journey.

If you are imminent danger, please reach out immediately to crisis resources in your community.

#Change; #Plan; #Prepare; #Endurance

Beauty in the Chaos

I'm frequently surprised at the tenacity of nature. It will blossom and grow in the least likely of places.

This morning I spotted this little beauty this morning along my walk. Amid the dead weeds, barren soil, and trash of its surroundings, this lavender flower had broken through to shine. It didn't worry about finding the perfect place to bloom. Didn't care if it was wasting its beauty on an unworthy audience. It was going to shine and seek the sun.

Too often, when we find ourselves in situations like this little flower, we hold back our personal growth and limit the expression of our potential. We say to ourselves, “When everything is perfect, then I'll shine."  Or “I wouldn't want to throw ‘my pearls before swine.'" Or “When I get to the other side of this transition, then I'll focus on unlocking my potential."

Sometimes the best way to light an unfamiliar, imperfect path is for us to shine in spite of where we find ourselves. We have to let go of our expectations that we can only be at our best when we are in the ideal situation, the best organization, perfect family, etc. If we are always waiting for the perfect time and place to blossom, we may never get the chance.

If we are going to blossom in inauspicious circumstances, we need to shift our focus from our surroundings and instead focus our attention on the end result. My little flower gave all of its energy and attention to breaking through the hardened soil and growing toward the sun. It had to send its roots deep into the ground to find water and nutrients. And once through the ground it oriented itself so that it could receive the ideal amount of sunlight. We need to do the same. Identify what will support and nourish us as we grow. Figure out where we can find them. Start growing despite how hard and dry the ground may be so that we can gain energy and momentum.

As we start to grow and allow ourselves to flourish, we begin to transform the space around us. Our actions may inspire others to grow as well. Those who try to distract us with their negativity will eventually lose interest as they find their efforts to hold us back aren't working.

I'm sure that little flower would have preferred to grow in a beautiful, well groomed garden. But it didn't let the lack of one stop it from bringing its beauty to the world.

When Will I Ever Be Good Enough

I remember the first time I desperately wanted to be good enough for my dad, to be the perfect daughter. I was in first grade and my family and I were traveling in our green Pinto. Sitting in the backseat, I listened intently to my parents conversation. I remember my dad telling my mom, “Children should be seen and not heard." 

In my six year-old mind, that was vital clue. The perfect daughter doesn't talk a lot. I took the words to heart. A seed was planted and taking root.

Throughout my life I've struggled with feeling inadequate. And periods of significant change have often amplified those feelings of uncertainty.

I recently left my job of thirteen and a half years to follow my dreams. And while this is a change I wanted, the deep sense of responsibility - providing my son, meeting my own standards of success, paying my bills - has been enough to put me back in my parents' green Pinto.

Working through my doubt to find the path to peace, I've learned several valuable lessons.

Identify the Measuring Stick. 

Sometimes I find I'm the one holding the ruler. I'm comparing myself, my performance to a standard of success that I've selected. Other times, like the little girl in her parents' hatchback, someone else holds the yard stick that has been selected. The problem is, when you don't hold the yard stick, you can't clearly see the benchmarks. I had no clue all the details that made up my father's image of an ideal daughter. I only had bits and pieces of the picture.

Is the Measured Stick Reasonable? 

Are the benchmarks something you can actually achieve? Are the measures objective or subjective? It is one thing to compare yourself to a measure that is reasonable and objective. It is something completely different to compare your success to something that is subjective. 

This summer my son and I have embarked on a quest to improve the quality of the food we eat. When we've attempted this in the past, we left the objective, the measure, broad and subjective. It's hard to know if you're eating good enough when the measure is so vague. What is a high quality diet for some, may not measure up for others. Additionally, there are some many aspects to a nutritionally high quality diet that trying to learn, remember and live by them all in a single swoop is daunting at best. 

So we started this journey with a single step that we thought would have the most impact for my son. We decided to eliminate artificial color from our diet. And while it may not sound like much, this turned out to be a very big change. There is artificial coloring in more foods than you might think.

Shift Your Focus to Those Things You Can Control. 

There are some parts of the equation that are outside of your control. You can't own those things. But there are many more things you do control.  Focusing on those things increases your personal power and ability to influence the world around you. 

I may not be able to control what ingredients food manufactures use in their products. I do, however, have complete control over what products I choose to purchase. I may not be able to establish how others measure my worth, but I do have the freedom to determine how I judge my character.

#Change; #Self-Esteem; #Self-Worth; #Success

That's Not How I See It

Perspective is one of the most powerful forces in our lives. It is the driving force behind our outcomes. Its power to shape was brought home to me this summer when I visited The High Desert Museum with my son and a friend of mine. 

Amid the exhibits on wildlife, Native American history, and mining camps was the Miller Family Ranch and Sawmill. A trip into the past, back about one hundred years.

There were period style housing for the family and the staff of the ranch and sawmill. My son pumped water from a well using a hand pump. And chickens pecked the ground in front of the barn.

My friend and I struck up a conversation with one of the “ranch hands." He was a friendly chap who was very adept at staying in character.

During the course of the conversation, he asked were we had come from. My friend replied that she was from Bend. He expressed his surprise, “That's quite a trip, twelve hours by wagon! " When I responded that I was visiting from Portland, he was completely astounded. “Why you must be exhausted! Making that journey by wagon would have taken twenty-four hours."

My friend and I laughed as we walked away. The perspective on travel had shifted so much in the past hundred years. What she and I took so easily for granted not too long ago was an unreasonable extravagance for a simple day of fun.

Our point of view is shaped by many things. It is influenced by our cultural background, family, religion, community and life experiences. It shapes so much of our lives - what opinions we hold; how we make decisions; the actions we take.

For that ranch hand, our choice to visit the ranch seemed unfathomable. His perspective was based on life experiences that did not include automobiles and airplanes. He was operating from a mindset of limits that questioned why we would make that trip. For us it was a simple fifteen minute trip through beautiful country. We were living in a space of possibility. Why not invest the time?

Sometimes our perspective supports and encourages our success. Other times, it gets in our way and holds us back. In those instances we may have to alter our paradigm in order to move ahead. It's nice to know that we have the power to do that.

In her article, “The Power of Perspective," Mary Sherman, LCSW, CEAP provides five steps for changing our perspective.

1. Be aware of your perspective. It's easy to adapt a perspective early in life that is based on a limited amount of experience or is based on the experiences of those around us without questioning if it is valid for you where you are now in your life. Take a look at how you view the world. Do you view it from a place of limitations and lack? Or do you see the possibilities, the options and abundance? What have you based your paradigm on?
2. Look for options. Is this the only way to view the situation? Is the way you view your world helping you to be successful? Fulfilled? Happy? Does it allow you to see yourself and those in your life in a positive life? How do other people view life? How is that effecting their life?
3. Try different perspectives on for size. Try looking at the situation from a different angel. Does this new point of view provide you with more options? Does it make things look less daunting? Is it helpful to you?
4. Consciously choose to apply your new perspective. Every day you have the opportunity to choose how you will view your life. Find ways to reinforce your new perspective. I keep a large piece of paper on my wall where I list all the things for which I am grateful. Every morning that list is one of the things I see.
5. Stay aware and conscious of your perspective. Often our perspectives are a long-time habit. Life has a way of slipping in a few curve balls in on you. It takes perseverance to continuously maintain your new outlook.

Your power lives in your choices. What will you choose?

#Outlook, #Paradigm, #Perspective, #Point of View

Finding Joy in the Journey

It was 6:30 in the morning. The alarm had just gone off and Lila, my miniature pinscher mix, was enthusiastically licking my face. How can anyone be this cheerful first thing in the morning? I groggily rolled over and drug myself out of bed.

Time to take Lila for her morning walk. We walk the same trail every morning. She gets what she needs while I wake up and drink my obligatory water. For me it's a duty. For Lila it's a new adventure everyday. She darts here and there sniffing every blade of grass. And then tangling me up in the leash as she bounds back to me in ecstatic joy.

However this morning was different. Stepping out on the nature walk behind my apartment, right off the bat, a large tree caught my eye. It was old and a large limb had broken away exposing burrows and holes that had been created by insects. The pattern in the wood was fascinating.


A little past the tree, I saw beautiful blue-purple shooting-star flowers basking in the sunlight that filtered through the leaves of the trees overhead.

Next I spotted the red clover, flooding me with memories of my sister and I plucking the petals to taste the sweetness of the nectar. A summer time treat that made us giggle.

There was a patch of Queen Anne's Lace that made me smile as I remembered using them to pretend to be a princess when I was a little girl.

And a clearing, where if you used your imagination, you could picture woodland fairies dancing under a full moon.

I had never noticed how many of my neighbors grew lavender in their yards. Or the little path that lead up from the sidewalk to the street that dead ended right before it.

So much beauty. Such wonder. Many fond memories. All were just waiting for me to find.

I realized that so often I just go through life. Fighting to survive. Doing my duty. I am so taken up with all that I have to do that I don't notice the joy that is all around me.

Even during the dark patches on life's trail, there is joy to be found. When my son and I had moved into our

own place, things were stressful and chaotic. I wasn't always sure how we would get by - pay the rent - keep the lights on - put food on the table. Even in that turmoil there was joy to be found.

I can't express how it felt when I realized that for the first time in years my son hadn't had a nightmare in weeks. Or we sat down together to figure out a budget to give us financial stability. Or we started to build friendships that would grow into a network of support and eventually into family.

Right before Lila and I reached the driveway to our complex, I noticed a single, simple Morning Glory stretching towards the sun. Somehow it had grown in a hedge - alone, not surrounded by its own kind. Yet despite its isolation, it was determined to find the joy.

We may not always be able to choose the circumstances of our journey. Not given the chance to choose the path we must walk. But we do get to choose how we travel the road. We can choose to focus on the things that bring us down. We can look only at the list of responsibilities and duties we must check-off along the way. Or we can choose to find the joy and enjoy the journey.

#joy, #choice, #journey

Seamus - Professor of Patience

I woke to the soft, plaintiff meow of Seamus, my gorgeous, long-haired tabby. It was Saturday morning and I desperately longed to sleep in. Yet there I was groggily rolling over to allow him to crawl up on my tummy to for some quality petting time well before any alarm clock I might of set was due to go off.

As I lay there scratching him between his ears, listening to the loud rumble of his contented purr, I smiled to myself remembering how a few years back this would have never happened.

Our other cat, Rudy, had been very insistent that he needed a companion in the middle of the night. So off to the Humane Society my son and I had headed. Seamus had caught our eye immediately. And in the getting-to-know-you room he was Mister Lovey-Dovey, sweeping us both off of our feet.

We brought him home expecting an easy transition. I pictured myself sitting on the sofa with him curled up in my lap. After all cats love me. I'm not sure what Seamus's previous life was like, but easy is not how the transition went.

He spent most of the first six months camped out on top of the kitchen cabinets. He only came down at night when we were in bed. When he finally quit hanging out there, he moved into my son's closet, hiding in its dark depths. I wondered if this was going to work, if we were the right home for him, if he was ever going to adapt.

I remember my surprise the first time he reached out with his paw to catch my hand and pull it towards his head. He was sitting alertly on our coffee table and I walked by on the way to the kitchen to get my morning tea. I stopped and scratched his head. And believe it or not, my more-than-timid cat began to purr.

Working to help Seamus feel safe and loved in our home has been a lesson in patience. Author David G. Allen defined patience this way, "Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind." I find it requires acceptance and gratitude.

It requires me to release my own expectations of how things should be and when they should be that way. It calls me to allow what I cannot rush, what I cannot control to unfold in its own time and in its own way. Had I not allowed Seamus to adapt on his own time and in his own way, I would never have known the treasured moments we share. In fact he may have become so stressed we may have needed to find him a new home.

Patience flows easiest when we learn to be grateful for the process. With Seamus, I celebrated each milestone. Each step he took towards socialization and integration within our home. His first time headbutting me. The first time he and Rudy groomed each other. The first night he lay on the pillow next to mine.

Change is difficult, but patience allows us to find peace in the turmoil.

#change, #patience, #expectations

A Horse Named Crumble

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

 The first time I went horseback ridding, I spent the entire hour long ride eating the dust of the two horses ahead of me.

My son's horse was much faster and stayed close to our guide's horse. Probably why he was named Swift.

My horse, on the other hand, plodded along at his own pace - slow. I nudged. I prodded. I cajoled. Crumble would speed up for a pinch. Then he slowed back down. Even at a trot, he was much slower than the rest.

Stepping over the uneven terrain, he picked each step with care, testing the ground beneath his hoof before letting it hold all of his weight and mine.

Gradually I released my urge to drive ahead, to rush through the experience. In that moment, I saw the beauty of nature all around me. I saw trees that had survived a wildfire. Their bark altered by the smoke and flames, yet still they thrived. I noticed the little flowers and the brook we crossed. It was a glorious ride.

Sometimes the ride of life is similar. Our impatience with change drives us to try to push through it faster. And we find ourselves frustrated, unable to affect the ultimate pace.

Photo by Asaiah Brazile

In those moments, we can learn from a horse named Crumble.

1. Be intentional. Change can be tricky. Being sure-footed requires being completely present in the here and now. Take the time to make sure each step is true to you. 
2. Be patient. I know how hard this one can be. I'm known for my go-go-go, focused, driven nature, which doesn't leave much room for patience. But I'm learning its value. Major life transitions place you squarely in uncharted territory. It takes time to figure things out. To find a way to embrace the change and let it enhance the core of your being. Being patient is one way you can show yourself the love and respect you deserve.
3. Enjoy the ride. Yes, the path may be rocky and uneven. It may seem to be filled with hurt. But sometimes, if you take the time to look up from the journey, you will find that even though the scenery has changed and every thing is different, there still is beauty.

Someday, the path you're on now will come to an end. You'll find you're not exactly who you were when you started. But you will have survived and even learned to thrive!

#change, #intentionalliving, #patience