Ask! You Might Get A Yes!

Recently at a church social, I was conversing with a woman about Speak Out Sunday. In the course of the discussion, we began discussion about my business and how I want to use my skills to help others who are rebuilding their lives after leaving domestic violence. I shared how I was looking to partner with other professionals such as therapists to share referrals. Come to find out, she was a therapist. She actually works with many women who could use my services at some point in their process and was very open to referring them to me. 

As I excitedly relayed the incident to a friend, it dawned on me, when I actually ask, I often receive what I have requested. That realization made me ponder what is different.

Emotional Drive

While there are many things I have wanted that don't materialize. And while I really wanted them, my emotional drive didn't outweigh my fear, the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that holds me back. When I have a strong emotional drive, I can move past the fear and several other things start to happen.

Vision

Those times when I have seen things happen like magic, I find I can usually see the results. Even if what I am looking for is more abstract, there is an image that symbolizes the results. For example, when I was wanted an option that allowed me to work full time on my business while providing me with a measure of financial security. Not exactly a desire that is easy to visualize. Yet the image on the card of the Faery Stallion represented triumphantly charging ahead to victory without anyone or anything standing in my way. I could picture that card with my eyes closed. Every time I told myself what I wanted, the image of the card popped into my head.

Clarity

Receiving my desires, requires me to be clear about what I actually want to ask for. When talking to the therapist in my church, I new exactly what I wanted. I wanted to create a referral partnership.

Make the Ask

All the other steps above will do me no good if I don't actually make the ask. I can't hope that others will read my mind or even guess what I want. I actually have to open my mouth and ask.

I know it sounds so simple and magical. But I've been astounded many times at the results I get when I know what I want and ask for it.

Strength

This week as I prepared to speak at the Speak Out Sunday event at Ainsworth United Church of Christ, I realized how much strength the darkest experiences of my life have given me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying fate sent those experiences on purpose. I just believe that even the most undeserved, negative situations can give rise to something positive. 

Kahil Gibran said, "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." When we are in the middle of our struggles, we can't see how we are growing, learning and gaining strength. 

For me becoming strong wasn't about being stoic, further burying my heart, my emotions, my passions. It has been about learning to stand tall while feeling all of my emotions. It is risking my heart and  trusting myself.

Looking back gives me a chance to see that growth within myself. Gives me an opportunity reinforce my confidence and prepare for the adventure I choose next.

Oops, I Meant to Go Left: Four Steps for Course Correction

Earlier this week, I was driving a group of volunteers for  an outreach event on behalf of the Portland Animal Welfare Team (PAW Team). This organization provides basic veterinary care to the pets of the homeless and those living in extreme poverty so that people and their animal companions can remain together during life's most difficult situations.

We had headed into downtown Portland, Oregon loaded up with pet food, leashes, and blankets to hand out to homeless pet owners. Like many city centers, with its alternating one way streets and bus only lanes, downtown can be confusing. To make things worse, I wasn't familiar with where our first stop was located.

One of the volunteers was acting as my navigator, reading out the directions as I tried to find street signs in time to make the correct turns. Just as she told me to turn left on Irving, I realized I had driven too far to make the turn. The street I was on was nice and wide. And not wanting to try to find the next street that was headed the direction I needed to go, I looked to see how much on coming traffic was headed my way. See all was clear, I made a quick u-turn and got us back on track.

Often during periods of change, we find ourselves trying to navigate unfamiliar territory. Sometimes we miss our turn. Other times we turn right when we needed to turn left. Regardless of how we get off track, we need to make that quick "U-ie" to get ourselves headed the direction we want to go.

So, how do you course correct when your not sure where you are?

Acknowledge the Wrong Turn

The first step is to acknowledge you are off course. Pretending we never made the wrong turn won't help us get back on track. In fact, it keeps us headed in the wrong direction. Without guilt, judgement and berating yourself, recognize, "Oops, I meant to go left."

Whatever the situation, whatever the mistake, taking the time to realize when you're off track puts you back in control of where you are headed.

Examine Your Hidden Intent

Sometimes when we take a wrong turn, there is a subconscious motivation behind it. Understanding it will allow you to minimize the chance of a repeat of the same mistake.

For me, one area I often have "wrong turns" around is my attendance at networking events. In large groups of people I don't know, I often find myself feeling awkward and uncomfortable. My tongue gets tied in so many knots I struggle to connect and communicate coherently. I find ways to sabotage myself. Understanding this has helped me realize what actions I need to take to be able to be successful in this important activity.

Map out Your Course Correction

Have you ever missed a turn when you're using a GPS navigator?

That electronic voice suddenly comes on saying, "Rerouting." And then you wait for the new directions. Well, now it is your turn. You are the navigator. Map out your correction into a step-by-step plan.

When it comes to my attendance at networking events, my challenges were a symptom of the real issues. I had to start by dealing with the why behind my attendance challenges. I started by practicing my elevator speech in settings where I felt safe - with friends, in the hair stylist's chair. As I became more comfortable with that, I branched out. I also took time to work with a professional consultant to help me feel more confident in speaking from my heart.

Make the U-turn

Once you have the plan to get back on track, it's time to start taking action. Start working each step of your "rerouted" plan.

I had to do all the work I outlined in my plan. This past week, I went to a networking event. I put into practice the lessons I learned within my comfort zone. I was amazed at the results. I was back on track!

Face Value

Sometimes I think my cat, Seamus, came into my life to be my teacher. I know it sounds crazy, but I have found to such wisdom in examining our interactions and watching his behavior. This week Seamus held class yet once again.

A while back I shared in my post, Seamus - Professor of Patience, the long journey of building a our relationship. And while we are close and share a ritual of bonding each night before I fall asleep, each day with Seamus is different. Some days, I don't see him all day. He retreats to one of the bedrooms and plays the hermit. Other days, he will sit at my side while I work at my desk and occasionally push his nose against my hand to tell me he wants me to stop typing and live him love. At night he will occasionally stretch out on my chest and knead my night clothes. A lot of nights, he sits primly on my chest with a posture that stretches him tall and issues a royal indict commanding me to lovingly stroke his fur.

 I'm never sure what version of Seamus I am going to get. And truthfully, as I realized the other night when the regal Seamus was perched on me, it doesn't matter. If I worry about his motivations . . . if I stress about why he doesn't want to spend time with me, I would be able to enjoy spending time with him as much as I do.

And that's when it hit me! I don't extend that courtesy to the human beings in my life. I fuss at their intentions. Make assumptions about them, usually the worst case assumptions. And then I take that assumed intention personally, growing irritated and offended.

So what would it take for me to take for me to take people at face value - to accept them where they are in that moment. No judgement, no feeling hurt or let down. Just a plain, simple, "OK, this is where you are right now. It doesn't change how I perceive you." It reminded me of two of the concepts shared in the book The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Don't Take Things Personally

Fate isn't out to us. And, more often than not, how another person interacts with us has nothing to do with us. Their reactions are based on their life at that moment; the way they look at their world and the beliefs from which they operate.

When Seamus doesn't want to interact in his most affection manner, It doesn't have anything to do with me. Most of the time, when he is in that mood, I haven't seen much of him that day. His mood could be based on how the change in weather is affecting his joints. Or perhaps Rudy, my other cat, or Lila, my dog, have played too aggressively and now Seamus is over-stimulated.

The fact is I don't know what motivates the swing in Seamus' mood. And I absolutely don't know what is going on in an other human's life that drives their behaviors. Many of these people I don't see every day or even every week. Even those I see every day, I don't spend twenty-four hours a day with them. I don't know everything that is going on with them. So, tell me, how is taking their reactions to me personally rational?

Don't Make Assumptions

Everyday we make assumptions about events, people, and the world. Too often we take those assumptions and run with them as if they were proven facts. We respond to people assuming the worst of intent from them.

I could assume on those days when Seamus would rather hide behind my bed that curl up on my lap while I relax on the couch that he is relapsing into who he was when he first moved in with us. Or I could assume he hates me. Everyday we make those assumptions about the people in our lives.

These assumptions drive our behaviors and give rise to misunderstandings. And in the end lead us to further take things personally, creating a viscous cycle.


So perhaps, it would be a good idea to take our friends, our families and all the people in our lives at face value. Perhaps if we did, our relationships would be very different in a very positive way.

Power to Create or Destroy

I was recently reminded of the power of our actions. My son's teacher, in an attempt to create a better classroom environment, and set off a chain of reactions she never intended. My son felt targeted. I was deeply concerned that he might be right. And reminded me of how even with the best of intentions, our words can have an unintended impact. It reminded me of why we need to be intentional and impeccable with our words.

Our Power Lost

Humans are the only creation with the power to express and communicate the opinions, ideas and concepts that flow from our thoughts. How you define yourself; how you define others creates your reality. Those definitions motivate our actual words and in turn reinforce our beliefs.

Growing up, I never saw myself as beautiful or graceful. My clumsiness knew no bounds. I can't begin to count the number of times I split my head open falling. I had curly red hair that was looked a mess to me when I looked in the mirror. Brown freckles were speckled across my nose and cheeks. A look most adults in my life found adorable. And one that made me the ridicule of my peers when I first went to school.

My mother tried so hard to comfort me. One night when I was in kindergarten I came to my mom, tears streaming down my freckled cheeks. The freckled cheeks that I had been teased mercilessly about that day on the play ground. As my mom wiped away my tears, I remember her telling, "Freckles are a sign of intelligence."

It seems so small, so long ago. As the little teary eyed girl believed those words, they robbed me of my power. From then on, those early words shaped how I see myself. I pursued knowledge and wisdom with my characteristic drive. My mind grew and I excelled at learning. I definitely see myself as a smart, creative person. Despite all my mom's effort, I still struggle to see my own attractiveness.

Reclaiming Our Power

The first step to reclaiming our lost power is awareness. As we become aware of the the limiting beliefs that shape our lives and hold us back, we start to peel back the layers of the onion. We start seeing how we use our words hurt us.

I recently had a friend text me that she had left the wrong key at home and would be about ten minutes late to meet me. My instinct was to respond, "No worries." or "No problem." But as I thought about it, I saw the implied judgement - the assumption that she needs my approval to take care of her own needs. It's a subtle judgement, and one I've never had an awareness of.

Change the Words

The next step in taking back our power is to start changing the words we use in our thoughts, in our writing, in our conversations.

My new response to my friend who was going to be late was a simple, "I'll see you when you get here." When I find myself struggling to pull on a pair of pants that I think should fit, but don't, I've started reminding myself that I am in the process of changing my eating habits - I'm healing. And healing takes time.

Responsibility without Blame or Guilt

Breaking old behavior patterns is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. And taking responsibility doesn't mean playing the blame game or making yourself feel guilty. Taking responsibility means acknowledging your mistakes, understanding how you got there and using that wisdom to make a course correction.

You're growing right now. As you grow in awareness and learn ways to create the incredible life you want, using your words in an empowering manner will become easier and more natural.

It's All About Me!

Courtesy of betheredothat.hylands.com

     Nose to the grindstone. Plowing through the work, full steam ahead. That is how my week has been. A paragon of productivity and efficiency as I diligently crafted my formal business plan. And by the end of yesterday, my brain felt like an over-stretched rubber band.

     The fact is, we can only go so far in creating our; in working through transition; or even just being our best in day to day life if we don't make taking care of ourselves a regular part of our life. I have to admit, I'm not so good at self care. It is something I'm working on.

     Self care is about more than taking time to relax. We each have a variety of needs - physical, and emotional. Full self care involves meeting our needs in each area.

Our bodies require sleep, food and exercise to function well. How well are you taking care of your body? Do you get enough sleep? Do you have habits that support a good quality of sleep? Are you eating foods that support your health? Are you getting enough exercise? Making sure you have what it takes to sustain your health reduces both physical and emotional stress.

Emotional exhaustion is just as debilitating as physical exhaustion. There are many ways to meet  our emotional needs. Sometimes we need to take time to loose ourselves in a good book. Other times we need to spend quality time with our friends and family. This downtime helps us reset and helps us perform at our best.

Taking care of ourselves requires us to say, "For this moment, it's all about me!"

Embracing Change

I remember when my son was half-way through pre-kindergarten. With tears streaming down his face, he clung to me in fear one night at bedtime. When I asked him what was wrong, he explained he didn't want to go to kindergarten the next school year. He shared that he was afraid he wouldn't be ready. I tried to explain to him that when the time came, he would be ready. He still had a lot of time before then.


My words of comfort and reassurance were met with his explosive was met with his explosive sob, "Nooo, I won't!"

So often, we - like my young son - fight changes we cannot halt. We make our journey more stressful and less enjoyable than it need be. When I have found myself struggling to accept the shifts that are a part of life, I have found the following helpful.

Calm Your Mind

I don't know about you, but when I first encounter a major change, my mind is racing. "How am I going to get through this?" "What am I going to do?" "I like things the way the are! Why does it have to change?" Only a few of the thoughts that can be find tearing up the race course of your mind.

You will have to calm my mind - the sense of panic and impending doom. Deep breathing exercises and walks in nature are often a good place to start the process. Then start looking through your past, reviewing all the times you have successfully navigated other transitions. Much like the process I shared in Building Triumph from Triumph. 

Gradually, the fear, the panic subside and you can start working through the process.

Determine Your Ability to Control

When change comes into our lives uninvited, one of the biggest things I wrestle with is the lack of control I feel. Over time, I have learned that nothing is completely out of my control. Understanding the Spheres of Control, helps break the situation down so I can see how I can affect some control.

First, take a look at what things in the situation are under your control.

For example, when I was struggling with the fact that I was suddenly a single mother, I found there was plenty I could control. My choices dictated how my money was spent. I could control where we lived. I determined who my son and I befriended.

Next, figure out what you can influence.

I can't control when my son sees his father or how much he sees him; however, I can influence the situation. I can't dictate the terms of our divorce, but I can influence the outcome by advocating for myself and what I feel to be in my son's best interest.

Finally, look at what you can't control or influence. One of the biggest pieces of the equation I couldn't control was my ex-husband. His behaviors and attitudes were completely under his own control. These I had to let go of.

Take It A Step at A Time

Once you know what you can control or influence, start breaking it to a step-by-step course of action. Start with those things that you control and then move on to those things you can influence.

One of the biggest acts of reclaiming my control was to sit down with my son and created a spending plan. Our plan ensured our bills were payed and built in some room for play. We experienced a huge triumph when we saved up and were able to take a weekend trip to the Oregon beach.

Embrace the Change

I know this own is easier said than done, but it is possible. Every change has silver linings, start by looking for them. The ones you notice at first will most likely be small. Just make sure to acknowledge them and keep looking for the good.

When we first moved into our own apartment, I was terrified. I didn't know what would happen next. And I knew that just after leaving is when a victim of domestic violence is at the highest risk. Gradually I began to feel a sense of freedom. When ever I doubted I had made the right choice, I would get in touch with those feelings and bask in that wonderful, hard earned freedom. Now, three years out, I would have to say that becoming a single mother has been one of the best things to happen. Not just for me, but also for my son.


My son is now in the seventh grade. And over the years, these battles have become less intense and fewer in number. He is learning to to trust himself. He's built a track record of successfully navigating change. A few weeks ago, he gleefully shared with me how he's looking forward to going into high school in two years. My son has learned to embrace change.