Releasing Expectations

I don't know about you, but I have a lot of  dreams. Dreams for what type of house in which I will live. A tall skinny house with abstract architecture. Its roof has a one sided slant and its exterior is painted in two tones of grey with black trim. And a red door next to a stone wall. I have hopes for my business and how much money I want it to generate. Treasured thoughts of my son's bright future. I will do everything in my power to make them come true.

And with those dreams comes a host of expectations. Expectations for how hard I will work; how driven I will be; how outgoing. An assumption of what kind of mother I need to be - what kind of performance my son needs to achieve both academically and socially.  

Expectations can be powerful tools to help us create the lives we desire, to making our dreams come true. Without them our efforts would be unfocused. However some expectations will hinder us if we hold on to them.

Helpful or Hindering - What's the Difference?

Sorting through which of our expectations will help us and which ones we need to release. Ask yourself, what's the objective of each of your expectations. Sometimes expectations focus on how we achieve our goals. Others focus on how we assume we or others in our lives will behave and perform. And still others are about what we will achieve?

With an understanding of the purpose of our expectations, we need to look at how much we drive the success of having our expectations met. Examine each expectation. Which of them are within your control? Which can you make happen? Looking at my list, I can control what kind of house I choose to buy. I can hold out until I can afford it. I can wait until its available or have an architect design it for me. I can manage the kind of mother I am. I determine how hard I work, how long and how often.

If you're like me, you'll still have expectations on your list that you can't control. So we'll look for which of the leftovers we can influence. We may not be able to control the final outcome. but our actions can potentially influence the results we end up with. In my list, I may not be able to control how my son turn's out or what grades he earns. But I can influence his life through the environment I create. When it comes to my business, how hard I work, how driven I am, and the quality of work I produce won't guarantee my financial success, but they can swing the vote, so to speak, in my favor.

The final remaining expectations will be ones we can't control and have no ability to influence. For

instance, I can't control or really influence what my son chooses to do with his life. Providing a wide range of life experiences won't allow me to impact his choice, it only provides him with a lot more choice.

In transforming our dreams into reality, we need to spend the largest percentage of our time focusing on those things we can control. Those will give us the biggest bang for our buck. The remaining percentage of our time should be directed towards those expectations we can control. Those that we can't control or influence, we need to free ourselves from and release.

We need to take the advice of a quote I found on Facebook tonight, "I release all that blocks me from believing in my greatness." Those expectations we can't control or influence do just that when we fail to release them.

Hope

      It wasn't too long ago that I stood on the brink of a major change in my life. It was part choice, part necessity and one hundred percent terrifying. I felt as if I was standing on the edge of cliff.

     My marriage had been a roller-coaster ride. When things were good, they were all I'd dreamed. When they weren't, the emotional chaos, the fear was palpable. In between I spent months walking on eggshells.

     As my son and I stood in our empty new apartment, we knew we were safe. But we stood there all alone. We knew no one in the neighborhood. I'd been isolated from developing friendships with coworkers outside of work hours. Our closest friends had been through my former husband's church. We had just gone against everything they believed in by leaving. 

     I couldn't imagine how our life, my life could find a new normal - a normal that was full, rewarding and emotionally satisfying. Would Thanksgiving and Christmas just be my son and I in our bare apartment. I didn't see a lot of hope standing in the barren living room.

     Three and a half years latter, standing in the middle of that same living room is so very different from that first day. The room is warm, cozy and inviting. My pets cuddle up with me when I set on the couch watching television. I see a bright optimistic future.

      The contrast made me wonder how I shifted from hopeless to optimistic. From barren existence to flourishing life. So I decided to spend some time digging through those days and reflecting to see what I could learn.

Focus on Gains

     As the days turned into weeks, I sometimes question my choice. Perhaps he could change. Perhaps we could build a better life. If I had continued focusing on the what ifs, I probably would have given up and returned to the abusive relationship of my past. But the one emotion that surfaced as time passed was a growing sense of freedom.

     I remember walking in the door of my apartment after a long day at work. That feeling of independence. For someone like me, it was such a huge win. That gain became my focus. I couldn't give up. I had to see it through. 

Reach Out to Others

     I'll admit this one was difficult for me. I can be a bit of an introvert. Some of my efforts to reach out to others was due to my son's gregariousness. As he made friends with other children in the apartment complex, I made friends with contacts. I also used tools like Meetup,com  to find groups with similar interests as I have. 

     Now my son and I have a large network of friends. Some are closer than others. Some more like family than just friends. My worry of holidays spent alone were in vain. Reaching out to others created that feeling of family, belonging that I needed. Things were beginning  to look up for us.

Plan for a Better Future 

     Gradually my son and I began to plan for a better future. Yes, we started small. A workable budget. A weekend get-away to the beach.

     Eventually I started dreaming of what I wanted for my long-term future. I took steps to make it a reality. I took classes. I started researching starting a business. I created a plan. I  started working it. Things started falling into place. The future was mine.

Ralph W. Sockman once said, "Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so strong as real gentleness." I believe that when strength and gentleness are blended, hope springs up in the midst.

Create Your Dreams

     Watching television over the weekend, I was surprised when an ad for American Family Insurance caught my attention. A professional football player was on the screen talking about protecting your dreams and how the company could help you do just that. His final line caused me to pause and think.

"See, dreams don't come true. Dreams, dreams are made true."

     The obviousness of the words struck me. If our dreams are to come true, it is up to us to make sure it happens.

1. Define the dream. We can't make our dreams come true unless we know what we want. Sometimes our dreams are things we want to have in life - a house, a car, a family. Other times they are made up of who we want to be - a nurse, a teacher, a father. And others still encompass how we want to feel - loved, appreciated, content. What does the dream look like? How does it make you feel? Does achieving your dream change how people interact with you? If so, what is that change? What will you do when your dream comes true? Ask those questions about each area in your life: home, career, finances, health and fitness etc.
2. Visualize the dream. Visualization is an important tool in making dreams a reality. As you

   

   One of My Dream Boards

   define the dream, a picture of it will emerge. You will want to capture that image in a away that you can see every day. One way is to create a dream board. There are several varieties. You can make a collage of images that represent what you want your life to look like in each area. You can also include affirmations and quotes. If you're not sure what you in your life, you may know how you want to feel. Your board can reflect a description of times when you have experienced those feelings.
3. Create a plan and prepare for the action. Identify action steps you can take. Break them into smaller more manageable steps. Determine the best order to complete each action item. Reach out to resources that can help you as you take each step. Put your plan in writing so that you can refer back to it. Build a network of support to encourage you, brainstorm with you and hold you accountable. Group or individual coaching can provide you with some of the support you will be looking for. Once you have your plan, visualize yourself taking each action. As strange as this may sound, it is a technique used by the Olympic athletes. Researchers have found that visualizing yourself taking the action activates the same parts of the brain as actually taking the action. Close your eyes and walk yourself through each aspect of every step. Include as many senses as you possibly can.
4. Work the plan. Making your dream come true takes more than a dream board and visualizations. Just creating a plan won't make it happen. You will actually have to take each step in your plan. Utilize your resources. Check in with your support team. These tools will help you increase your skill level and help you keep on track.
5. Course adjust as needed. Sometimes things in your world will change that will alter your plan. Sometimes things don't come off the way you planned. In those instances, don't give up and throw in the towel. Figure out if you know what you need to do to adjust your course. If you're not sure check in with your support group, coach or other resources you are utilizing to work your plan. Once you correct the course, start working your plan again.

     You have the power to make your dreams come true. It will take a lot of hard work, but when you see the results of your efforts it will have been worth the work.

Counting Your Blessings

     Around the world and throughout most cultures, giving thanks for our blessings, for the abundance of the harvest is an important tradition. From the American Thanksgiving, to the Homowo Festival in Ghana; these rituals call us to be grateful for the bounty of the harvest.

     To me, the prevalence of these rituals suggests a deep intrinsic understanding that gratitude is an essential component of human life. Our ancestors may have believed that its importance was tied to honoring and pleasing the gods. In our contemporary world, psychologist have linked gratitude to our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. The counseling center at the University of Massachusetts - Dartmouth  lists a multitude of benefits people gain through expressing gratitude on a regular basis.

     In the midst of an overwhelming change, the platitudes you often hear encourage you to, "count your blessing." It can be difficult to listen to such words of encouragement. It is even more difficult to apply it to your life - even if it is one of the most important things you can do at that time.

     When my son and I left behind the abuse of our old home, I found myself in a difficult period of change. I was suddenly a single mother. I was responsible for all of my own expenses as well being pressured by my former husband to pay several of his. Money was tight. We had a limited circle of support. And while having the weight of constantly walking on egg shells taken off of my shoulders was a wondrous relief and very welcome, the stress of all the new responsibilities; the sense of isolation made it so difficult to see much of anything to be grateful for.

     I repeated my story over and over - to myself; to the few friends I was just starting to make - focusing on the hurt, the wounds, the fresh scars. I felt myself spiraling into an abyss of anger and bitterness. The days were dark and the nights long.

     I finally came to a point where I had to change my approach or risk loosing hope; risk losing the

I think it's time I add another page to continue my wall!

potential this new situation represented.

     On the door of my closet, I taped up a large sheet of white flip-chart paper. I titled it "My Gratitude Wall."  On it I started writing all of the things for which I was grateful. At first I added the obvious. I was thankful for my son. My achievements. My friends.

     Gradually, the items shifted to less obvious things. I was grateful for the beauty I was beginning to see in myself. I was thankful for my strengths - things I had downplayed for most of my life. I began to show appreciation for the dreams I was starting to bring into reality.

     As a child, we often sung a hymn about gratitude in Sunday morning church services.

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

     I found gratitude was my ticket to a brighter future. Gratitude hasn't changed the past. It doesn't mean my pain wasn't real. It let me see there was more to the place I was in than I could initially see. It has taken time, but it has led me to a place where I could thrive!

Drawing Your Own Map through Change

     Right now, I'm sitting in the middle of a huge change. This summer I left my nine-to-five to focus full time on my coaching business. And while this change is one I wanted, one I had chosen, it came with bundled with the chaos of finding myself in uncharted waters.

     I never realized how much my drive and motivation were dependent upon the structure my old job provided. Without that structure, without the security of the known, it has felt like I've lost my focus.

     Working through this transition I'm finding several things helpful.

     First, I used the known to organize what was becoming known to me. I started by organizing what I did know into manageable chunks. For me, this meant organizing the tasks I know I need to accomplish. There was my business. My family. My church. My volunteer work.

     Second, I started the process of prioritizing my action items. Some items I had a good idea of their importance. Other items I has no idea. I left them without a priority knowing that as my knowledge grew things might have to be adjusted.

     Finally, I created a space that provided me a way to escape the crazy clutter of uncertainty that sometimes filled my mind. I filled it with figurines that I find peaceful. I added in rocks that held deep personal meaning for me. I have a small obelisk, an ancient Egyptian symbol for a ray of sunshine. And in the middle, a tree. One tiny connection to the forest that take my breath away any ease my stress.

     Working through this change where nothing feels the same, I'm finding that lessons from the past are helping me unlock the future.

Changing of the Colors - Turning of the Seasons

     The other day while driving home from a friend's a breathtaking tree caught my eye. Its leaves painted like a Monet. A blend of rosy pinks, rusty oranges and vibrant burgundies had been dotted over once deep green leaves in staccato brush strokes.

     As beautiful as it was, the sight of it left me feeling wistful. The summer had been an extravaganza of swimming, hanging with friends, and new beginnings. I longed to stay in that time and place. I was content in the swirl of activities. I was loving the whether. I didn't want too see the temperatures to drop. The skies to turn gray, and raindrops falling day after day from the sky. But I was powerless to stop the turning of the colors - the changing of the seasons.

     Like the changing of the seasons, our lives are continually changing. We have spaces in our lives that feel like summer vacation. They're playful and laid back; full of adventures and sunny, warm skies.

     Before we know it, the first yellow leaf comes blowing into our lap as we relax on our porch. And we find ourselves facing a choice. Do we embrace the incoming season? Or do we fight it and struggle to keep summer going?

     As hard as it may be, embracing the new seasons of our lives is the path to personal growth, setting our potential free, and finding our way back to summertime fun.

Start with Gratitude

     The summers of our lives give us so many wonderful experiences. We feel comfortable, content. Summer is casual and playful.

     As we move through the seasons of our lives, we carry forward the blissful memories of summer's warmth. Those memories are restorative. They carry us through the cold miserable days filled with dreary gray clouds and rain.

     Express gratitude for the gifts brought to us by the summers of our lives.

Look for the Benefits of Fall

     While we all love the summertime playfulness, fall has its own beauty to offer. The changing colors of leaves. The crunch of a crisp apple. Haunted houses and Halloween parties.

     Similarly a new season in our lives has benefits to offer us. Looking for the upside can help ease the transition. It gives us hope and an edge of excitement.

Check Your Toolbox

     As we move from summer to fall, we often bring out our sweaters and scarves. We check to see if last year's boots will still work for this year.

     And like we do in preparing for nature's season changes, we need to do the same for the shifting seasons of our lives. What have we done that has helped us successfully navigate other changes? How have we nourished ourselves emotionally and spiritually? What tools have we learned that will be helpful?

     The wheel of time continually turns. Summer fades into fall; fall moves into winter; winter blossoms into spring; and spring gives birth to summer. So our lives are always shifting, changing. Joys, lessons, and tools from our past blend together with new experiences and challenges to unlock new skills and potential within ourselves.

Creating Positive Change

There are many areas of my life where I have been incredibly successful at creating positive change. When I had reached the end of my rope with working retail, I went back to school and earned my associate degree. I have earned both my bachelors and masters degrees while working full time, raising my son and managing a household.

The one area I've struggled to make lasting positive change is in my diet. It's been a source of frustration for me. I've been on and off Weight Watchers more than once. Over tried so many things and still the charges don't last. How can I have so much success in so many areas of my life and yet seemingly fail in this one area. I know why I want to succeed. There's improved health, look better, feel better, more confidence just to name a few. And they're all things I want. Yet I still continue to yo-yo. Grrr! So completely annoying!

This summer I've started to really look at the differences between the times when I've successfully created change and when I've failed to create sustainable change. I've found several important distinctions.

Know What You're Adding to Your Life

Looking back at my success, I realized that my focus was on what I was gaining. When I went back to school to further my education, I was excited about the knowledge I was gaining; the doors it would open for me; the increased earning potential I would enjoy.

When I've attempted to change my eating habits and lose weight, my focus was on what I was giving up. All the unhealthy foods I loved so much: doughy white bread, candy bars, rice pudding. Yummy! I haven't focused on the new delicious recipes I will try. Haven't considered the improved health or the increased level of positive emotions.

Break It into Smaller Chunks

My most successful changes have all been ones that have been broken into smaller steps. In pursuant my education, I didn't try to take all the required classes at once. I didn't try to do all the assignments in one fell swoop. I took it one step at a time and focused on each step one at a time.

Those changes that have been more difficult, where succeed was never fully attained, have not been broken into steps. Changing the way I eat has always been an attempt at a complete overhaul. Eliminate the junk. Eat healthy. Drink water. Exercise - agh!

Trying to make a big change all at once is incredibly difficult. It can leave you feeling overwhelmed and wanting to give up. Give yourself a chance at success and break it into manageable sized steps.

Repeat What's Worked in Past

Take the time to look at your past success. Look for what helped you succeed. Were there specific actions you took that helped create your success? How did you control your focus? What kind of support played a part of your success? Who was a piece of your success equation?

Answering questions like those can help piece together a picture of what helps you succeed. Identify those things that help you and use them to build more success.